Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

Up At The Crack Of Dawn

Up At The Crack Of Dawn

I have no clue why, but for some reason,  I woke up at 4am this morning. It was hours earlier than I planned on waking up. And when I woke up, I was wide awake. There was no going back to sleep for me. So I decided to get some stuff done. I might as well be productive since I have such a busy day ahead of me. I started by doing some laundry, then I cleaned the kitchen, and then one of the bathrooms. I’m trying hard no to make any noise so I don’t wake my husband. He was awake at 4am when I woke up, but unlike me, he was able to go back to sleep.

I’m glad I’m getting stuff done early, it will make the rest of my day a lot easier. I’ve actually completed half of the cleaning! I’m going to bring my dog to the groomers very shortly, that way he doesn’t smell bad while my mom is here. I do admit I’m a little frustrated that while I’m trying to clean, my husband is having his brother over to play video games. Somehow, I’m just going to make it clear that they have to pick up after themselves. Hopefully it works out.

Once all that is done, I’m excited for my mom to come visit. My mom is one of my best friends, she’s the best, and I don’t have enough time to spend with her. So I get her for 8 days, which is amazing! Just so you know, I do clean this intensely on a regular basis. I generally clean the whole house once a week.

Lots To Do Before My Mom Arrives

I got a lot of stuff done today, especially since I started my day out with another ECT treatment. I tried to rest after my ECT, but it didn’t work at all. I just laid in bed for about 30 minutes without the ability to fall asleep; it was extremely frustrating. I also went grocery shopping and worked on my taxes. And soon, I’m about to start cooking dinner; beef and bacon smoked sausage with sun-dried tomatoes and mushrooms. Tomorrow is going to be an even busier day; my dog goes to the vet for a bath, then I have an appointment with my therapist, I need to get my regular blood work done, I need to clean my house, and then my mom comes to visit for a week (yay!!!) I have no clue when I’m going to find time to clean the house and get everything done, but somehow I will make it work.

I also bought tickets to a Coyotes (hockey) game for next Monday. The seats are 4th row almost center ice for only $60 a piece. My husband and I could pass up the deal. This is going to be only my 2nd time with seats this good.

While my mom is visiting, we have lots to do. Everyone (meaning my in-laws) all want to visit with my mom, so I’ve scheduled for us to go out to a few different meals. I understand why my in-laws want to spend time with my mom, and of course I want them to all spend time together; however, I don’t really want to share any of the time that I have with her. I am sharing our time together, but I’m quite a bit jealous.

Awake Early

Awake Early

I woke up extra early today for some reason, hours earlier than I planned on waking up. Of course, it happened on a day that I can’t eat or drink anything because I’m having ECT done later this morning. I’m always thirsty in the mornings when I can’t drink. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it for a few hours.

I can’t do much of anything today since I can’t drive due to the anesthesia. However, tomorrow is going to be an extremely busy day.  Tomorrow, I’m supposed to clean the house, bring the dog in for a bath, go to a therapy appointment, go to the bank, get my blood work done, and pick my mom up from the airport. Maybe I’ll start a little early and I’ll begin cleaning the house today. I bet that would make things easier (especially since my husband is having someone over tomorrow to play video games and they say I get in the way when I’m vacuuming.)

Last week, after my last ECT, I came home and tried to sleep I couldn’t. That’s actually happened to me twice now. Maybe if I don’t try to go to bed after today’s treatment, then perhaps I’ll fall asleep on the couch when I’m not trying to. We will just have to wait and see.

Memory Difficulties

Memory Difficulties

Yesterday ended up being an okay day. It was my birthday, and I got to spend my day with a friend and the night I spend with my husband.

My memory is still really bad. I tend to forget things that I’m told anywhere from less than an hour to a month or so. It’s making my life very difficult. I’m already taking two medications for Alzheimer’s, Memantine 5mg and Donepezil HCL 5mg, but they don’t seem to be working yet. I’m not sure when they’re going to start working, if they’re going to work for me at all.

I’m doing my best to write everything down in my new bullet journal. It helps me organize my days, weeks, and months. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to keep track of everything. In order remember everything, I have to write it down as soon as I’m told. If I don’t write it down right away, then I’m sure to forget it.

Celebrating My Bday Early

Today, my mother-in-law is having a get-together at her house to celebrate my birthday. She does it for everyone’s birthday. It’s so nice that they treat me like everyone else. I’m treated like every other family member. I’m really excited that I get to see my granddaughter today, at least I hope so. She’s growing up so quickly. She is already 17 months old. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.

Another ECT Treatment

Another ECT Treatment

I had an ECT treatment just a few hours ago. The treatment went well. I got home and rested on the couch. I keep falling asleep and waking up. It’s somewhat annoying. I don’t mind that I’m falling asleep, I just wish I could stay asleep and actually get some rest. Sometimes, after ECT, I fall asleep for hours, and some other times I can’t fall asleep at all. Today, I’m only getting about 30 minutes of rest at a time, and my body needs more than that. In fact, I’ve fallen asleep about 3 or 4 times while writing this. At this point, I’m going to go lay down and try to get some more rest. Hopefully, if I get some rest, I’ll be able to stay awake and watch a movie.

ECT Today

ECT Today

I have my next ECT treatment in a couple of hours. I think they have been helping a little bit so far. Since I started the treatments, I am finally able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep throughout the night. Prior to restarting ECT, I was not able to fall asleep easily, and when I did fall asleep, I woke up within a couple of hours. The progress with my sleep is huge! I wonder what will change next because of the ECT treatments. It would be nice if it could help my depression. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Struggling with Daily Motivation

Struggling with Daily Motivation

I’ve been having some problems with motivation lately. It has been a struggle to get my normal household activities done. Whether it’s cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, or grocery shopping; I seem to have a difficult time doing any of it. I’ve been writing everything on my to do list. Having everything written down really helps me be productive. I even ordered a new journal, called a bullet journal, that will help me be even more organized. I can’t wait until it gets here!

Not only do I struggle with completing daily tasks, I also struggle with reaching out to friends and family. I even put making a phone call to someone in particular on my to do list. If I don’t write it down, then I won’t remember to do it, no matter how much I really want to talk to that person. I tend to isolate when I’m feeling down. In fact, I tend to isolate all the time, no matter how I’m feeling. When I’m by myself, no one can tell me that I’m wrong.

I still have a lot to do while I wait for my new journal to arrive. Today has been a very productive day. I’ve done everything that is written on my list (I don’t like it when I’m not able to cross everything off). I try to motivate myself by creating to do lists. It is helpful, but only to the extent that I allow. I often leave multiple things off of my to do lists because I don’t think I’ll be able to complete them and I don’t want to have something on my list that is not crossed off. I’m hoping that this new journal will help me be a little more productive. I’ll let you know how it goes when I receive it.

 

Emotional Detachment?

Emotional Detachment?

I’ve been having a hard time staying in contact with friends lately. I think it’s my bipolar depression that makes me not want to connect with people; even when I want to connect with people, it’s a difficult activity. It takes a lot of work to stay in contact with people. Talking to people, whether they are family or friends, often feels like work, even when I’m talking to people who I want to talk to. It maybe something similar to emotional detachment, or it could be a reaction from my PTSD due to fear.

I do my best to stay in contact with a couple of people, such as my husband and mother. However, it gets harder and harder as time goes on. I’ve always been such a talker, so I find it weird that talking to people is so difficult for me. I notice that as time goes on, I talk to fewer people. Especially my friends; I let go of them when I’m struggling because it’s too much for me to manage. While I separate myself from them, I’m thinking of them often. When I’m doing better, I then try to reach out to my friends. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family members understand what I’m going through and they don’t judge me for separating myself from them.