Anxiety Level Rising – Fears About Treatment

My anxiety finally started to lessen after my psych appointment yesterday. I think it’s the fact that I now have a plan of action regarding my bipolar depression. Today, I’m going to call and make an appointment with my PCP to get a physical, EKG, and blood work, which is required for me to start ECT again (because of the anesthesia). However, my anxiety started to rise again late last night. I think that now it’s the fear of going back to ECT.

What if it doesn’t work? Is there anything that can help me (and have it last for more than a few months)? What if it does work? Will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Will the medications he’s going to give me for the memory loss and migraines/jaw pain actually work? There are so many questions in my mind that will only be answered with time.

A Very Successful Psych Appointment

I walked into my psychiatrist’s office (let’s call him Dr. E) with my husband and my heart was pounding so hard it felt as if it was going to jump right out of my chest. My anxiety was extremely high, despite the fact that I took a Valium as prescribed and had my husband with me. It was a good thing that I wrote everything down that I wanted to say. I opened my notebook and started reading what I wrote, and he seemed to appreciate what I was saying. He let me ask all of my questions; and he answered every one of them thoroughly.

We decided that I would go back to ECT and I would only do it twice a week to start. That was the treatment that Dr. E thinks is the best approach, and he explained why, so that’s the treatment we decided to go with. I’m so happy that I’m not starting at three times a week. He said that he can give me anti-alzheimer’s medications to help with the memory loss and Toradol to help with the migraines and jaw pain. He’s also helping me work on weight loss.

It was such a successful appointment. I feel like Dr. E really listened to what my husband and I had to say. He approached every one of our concerns and answered everything we asked. Now, I just have to go get a physical from my PCP, get an EKG and blood work..

Psych Appointment

Today is my appointment with my psychiatrist. I’ve been looking forward to this but I’ve also been extremely nervous about it. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed my psychiatrist telling him that I wanted to get off of the Clozapine because of the side effects such as severe weight gain, and that I wanted to try IV Ketamine. He responded to me and said that this is something we need to discuss in person and that he didn’t want me to get off the Clozapine. My psychiatrist suggested that I bring my husband with me, so I am.

I was upset when I first received the email, but with the help of my mom and my aunt, I realized that he is looking out for my best interests. I’m going to this appointment with an open mind. I wrote down everything I want to say to him and all of the questions I have. I have decided to do whatever it is that he thinks is best. I trust him and I know that he is looking out for me. I have a feeling I will be going back to ECT, but I’m not sure yet.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety lately and I think that comes from not knowing what the next step is. I have a feeling that my anxiety will reduce after this appointment because I will have a plan in place. I will let you all know how the appointment goes.

Preparing For My Appointment

Yesterday went well. I got everything done that I wanted to and I was able to visit with my friend. It really helps to be able to talk to someone who completely understands what I deal with on a daily basis. I slept fairly well again last night. I only one up once in the middle of the night and I was able to fall back asleep in about 30 minutes.

I’m preparing for my appointment with my psychiatrist that I have on Wednesday. I’ve written down all my questions for him. During my appointment I plan to stay calm and listen to what he has to say. I know he has my best interests in mind. I have a feeling I will be going back on ECT. I’m not excited about that, but I am open to it if he thinks that it will help me. Treatments and medications usually work for me for the first year or so, but then they stop working. It’s a pattern I’ve seen in lots of the treatments/meds that I try. That’s another thing that I plan on asking my doctor about.

Seeing A Friend

Today started off bad. I’m having problems with my Interstitial Cystitis, which is my bladder disorder. This is not the way I like to start off the day. IC causes pain, anxiety, and other problems. Oh well.

However, I will be going to visit a friend later today, so that makes my day better. It’s a friend I met from my old bipolar support group. It’s so great visiting with someone who understands exactly what I’m going through. I just have to get through each day one moment at a time.

Sleeping Well

Last night I slept better than I have slept in months. I only got up once and I went back to sleep just under 30 minutes. Normally, I wake up once or twice, and I’m awake for anywhere between 1 and 3 hours. Sometimes, I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep at all. I’m happy that I was able to finally get the rest that need. Hopefully I can sleep like that again tonight.

I even remember the dream I had, which is very unusual for me. I remember handing out with an ex of mine. We met at school and then suddenly there were multiple tornadoes all over the place. The ex and I took cover and were safe. Just when we thought it was over, more tornadoes came. I don’t really believe that dreams mean something in our lives. I just find that dream interesting. The tornadoes were so real and scary.

Not Moving, Just Doing Research

After talking to my husband about some of the details about moving, he decided it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to move to Connecticut. He wouldn’t want to move while his father is sick. We would both miss our granddaughter so much. And Connecticut is an expensive place to live. We talked about moving to northern Arizona, but that is even more expensive than Connecticut. We’re just going to do some research to see what the rental properties are like up north, but most likely we won’t be moving anywhere for at least a few years. This brought down my stress level a bit. I don’t want to move and then have either me or my husband regret it.

I have a feeling that we won’t be moving for a while. It’s hard to move away from your family. I know; I’ve done it twice. Both times I moved away to go to Arizona. Moving away from family is so hard. I probably wouldn’t be able to do it if I didn’t see my mom every 3 months. I also know that I can go visit my family at any time if I need to.

Looking Into Moving

My husband has been talking about moving for a couple of years now. I ask him where he pictures us moving to, and he says that he would like to movie back to Connecticut where my family lives. I never really believed him until yesterday. He says that the summers are way too hot for him to deal with any more. He has burns on over 30% of his body, making it very hard during the Arizona summers.

I always thought he was teasing me when he would talk about it. Now that I know he’s serious, there are a couple of things we need to look into. I told him he needs to go to Connecticut during the coldest part of the winter so he knows exactly what he’s getting himself into. I also told him he needs to spend at least 2 or 3 weeks there to see how it feels.

I have no clue what’s going to happen, but we’re at least looking into moving at this point. Surprisingly, I don’t have that much anxiety over the whole thing. It would be really nice to see my family regularly. That would actually be amazing.

Quote by Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

This reminds me to never give up, and that’s something I really need to hear right now. Just because it’s rough at this moment, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way. I will rise again. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

No New Years Resolutions For Me

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I think that if you want to make a change to your life, start right away. What is the point of waiting? It seems like an excuse to put off making a change. At least that’s how it used to be for me. I do it throughout the year as well. For example, I say that I will start eating healthy again beginning next week. I did that a couple of weeks ago and it didn’t work that often. I keep finding excuses to push back the start date. If you want to make a change, do it as soon as possible. Don’t put off any changes you want to make.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole