Category: Anxiety and Panic

Packing and Selling Equipment

Packing and Selling Equipment

I continue packing, just a couple of boxes at a time. I want to get more done, but I still don’t have an exact moving date yet. I should be finding out the moving date any day now. I’m looking forward to leaving this house and finally being responsible for my own property.

I’m trying to sell my Bowflex Xtreme 2SE home gym and my kettlebells.  I don’t have a third bedroom where I can set up a workout room. It’s a good idea to sell my equipment, however, it’s also terrifying to possibly have a stranger come over my house, even when my husband is home. I’m afraid of strangers, so having them in my house probably isn’t a good idea. Maybe I can find a company I can sell them to or a charity to give them to. I’ll let you know how it all ends up turning out. I’m sure it will work out okay.

Connecting with Others – Getting Through the Weekend

Connecting with Others – Getting Through the Weekend

I don’t think I’m going to try going to another meeting today. They are so much busier on the weekends, and I’m not ready for that yet, at least not alone. I’m not giving up; I’ll go on Monday. I’m glad that I started going back to meetings. I missed the community and friendships. However, for now, I have lots to do while I’m home. Cleaning and packing is a lot of work.

Yesterday’s ECT seemed harder than usual, but my husband says that I say that every time, I just don’t remember due to the memory loss from the treatments. Last night, we went to my husband’s best friend’s house. We just played some card games. It was difficult, but I pushed myself through it. I think it’s important to hang out with people and have fun. Maybe it’s not the best idea to do it on a day that I had ECT, but I know that I will always find a reason not to do things, so last night, I just figured why not.

Keep Trying

Keep Trying

I went to another meeting last night, but I didn’t like that one as much as I liked the one on Wednesday night. I will have to try out many different meetings until I find the one that’s right for me, I have hope. Even though I didn’t like the meeting, I stayed for the whole thing. The important part is that I keep trying. I won’t be able to go to a meeting today because I have another ECT treatment, but maybe I’ll try again on Saturday. I have to keep putting myself out there. I really want to have that community that I used to have when I was going to meetings all the time. I can’t give up.

I Went To A Meeting!

I Went To A Meeting!

Yesterday, I went to my friend’s/sponsor’s house so we could drive to the AA meeting together. Just the thought of going to a meeting was causing an anxiety attack. I ended up going to the meeting with her and her husband, who helped me first get sober. When we got to the meeting, my anxiety picked up again, but my friend helped me through it.

There were several people who know me. They all wanted hugs, which was difficult at first, but it got easier as the moments went on. It was really nice to see most of these people. Only a couple of people asked me where I’ve been. I did my best to answer them by saying, “Not here”, but for one person it didn’t work. I just said, “I’ve been busy but staying sober.”

We sat on a bench with our backs to the wall (my friend picked the seats and she knows me very well). My friend sat on one side of me and her husband sat on the other. I was very fidgety, had racing thoughts, and at one point I apparently stopped breathing, so my friend suggested we go outside for a moment. I was afraid that someone was going to call on me to speak, and there were lots of people who kept looking over at me. Everything ended up perfectly fine.

In fact, I’m thinking of going to another meeting today. I know what it is that I have been missing from the meetings, I’ve been missing the friendship and community. I’m thinking of going to an earlier meeting today, at 4pm, so it will be a bit smaller (hopefully). We’ll see how it goes. I’m just going to take it one moment at a time.

Excitement and Worrisome

Excitement and Worrisome

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.

Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.

This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.

Anxious and Nervous

Anxious and Nervous

I leave for ECT in about one hour. Last night I kept having dreams that I ate or drank something after midnight, therefore, I couldn’t do the ECT treatment. I had the same type of dream 3 times last night. The first one I drank a soda, the second one I ate a chocolate sprinkled donut, and the last one I had a glass of milk. I know I’m nervous about this treatment; that’s probably why that was happening.

I can feel my heart beating in my chest. My fingers are shaking, which is making it difficult to type. I’m rocking back and forth, which is one of the ways I help keep myself calm. I did it without even realizing it. I can do this. I can do this.

Restarting ECT

Restarting ECT

I restart ECT again on Monday. It’s been over six months since my last treatment. I’ve been waiting for about a month to restart ECT, and now that it’s about to happen, I’m not sure if I’m ready. At least I’ve done it before, so it’s not as nerve-racking. My anxiety is so high right now. What do I do if ECT doesn’t work? I know there are other options, but there’s not many left. I’m just nervous and scared. It will work. I’m trying to stay positive.

Apparently, ECT is twice as effective when being used with Clozapine, and even more effective when being used with Clozapine and Lithium. I’m take both Clozapine and Lithium (and many other meds), so there’s a really good chance that this will work for me. I’m trying to stay positive. It’s not easy, but I’m working at it.

They also changed how some of it goes. They now allow one person to go back with you, stay with you until you go under, and then they can wait for you in recovery. That makes it a lot easier for me. My husband already said he will be doing that for me on Monday.

Tax Time Is Coming

Tax Time Is Coming

Life is starting to get back to normal, now that Cash is starting to feel better. I’m exhausted from all of my extra anxiety and worrying over the last few days. I’m trying to do a few things that I’ve been putting off for a while. The biggest thing is gathering all of my information for taxes. Tax time is pretty overwhelming, especially since I know I’m going to owe money this year. I’m trying to gather my tax documents a little bit at a time in order to reduce the stress.

 

Waiting To Hear

Waiting To Hear

I just dropped Cash off at the vet for his surgery. We found even more lumps on him during his intake. The tech said that the vet will look him over again to make sure they get all of the lumps. He will be coming home today with an e-collar and stitches all over the place. They will also be trimming his nails to make it harder for him to scratch the incisions. I’m worried about him. I’m sure he’ll be okay, but I can’t wait to get that phone call from the vet saying he’s all done. Until then, I’m going to be keeping myself busy to make the time go faster. I’ll let you know how he’s doing when I know.

Anxious and Nervous

Anxious and Nervous

Yesterday was a very productive day. I cleaned the entire house; dusting, kitchen, bathrooms, vacuuming, and mopping. After that I even did a 40 minute Zumba video. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. I’m anxious and nervous about going back to ECT. I think I’m just worried about what will happen if it doesn’t work, or if it stops working again after some time. I’m running out of options, or at least it feels that way. I guess I’m just scared.