Allowing Others To Help You Is A Gift You Give Them

I always thought that asking for help was a sign of weakness or dependency. I felt that I was always better off doing everything on my own for many reasons. I don’t like letting other people know that I can’t handle everything. It seems as if my flaws are already extremely obvious to everyone; I never saw the purpose in pointing out my shortcomings and vulnerabilities. Plus, when I talk to others about my weaknesses, it means I’m admitting to myself that they’re real. I would rather pretend that everything is okay for as long as possible instead of admit that my issues are real, even though this usually makes my problems worse. Asking others for help requires a lot of trust. I never trusted anyone else to do a better job than I could do; if I couldn’t fix the issue or come up with a solution, then I doubted that someone else could.

I also felt that by not asking others for help, I was being kind to them; who really wanted to spend their time helping me? However, since I didn’t ask others for help, I never allowed people the ability to feel useful. I know that when I am able to help others, it makes me feel good about myself. I finally feel as if I’m important and worth something, which does not come easy for me. Who am I to say others would not feel the same way when helping me? I don’t have to push or force others into helping me, but it is important to give them the opportunity to be there for me and help me through situations.

We become vulnerable by asking others for assistance. I’m usually worried what people will think of me if I tell them what’s really going on. I think that if people knew what was happening in my mind, they would have me locked up. Suicidal ideations, thoughts of cutting, hallucinations, and paranoia; that’s who I really am. Instead, I fake things pretty well; I’m actually fairly talented at pretending everything is okay. However, when I do that, nothing gets better. There’s a saying, ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’. If I want something to change, then I need to do something about it. Asking for help is doing something; it is taking that step toward change. If I allow myself to be vulnerable and ask someone for help, it could be the beginning of change and a deeper relationship.

A Great Day

I did well today; better than I thought I would do. I got some things done around the house to help out. In the afternoon, I went to see my grandma and I had a great visit. Her health is declining and I tend to worry. We had several conversations; I love the fact that I can be open with her about my bipolar disorder and PTSD. There were several things she didn’t understand at first, but she listened to me explain various aspects of the disorders. She even repeated things back to me in her own words showing that she did grasp the concepts. I was able to explain to her how my moods can change suddenly; sometimes I am unable to laugh, sometimes all I can do is cry, and sometimes I feel nothing at all. She even tried to understand how my thoughts can take over my mind; how for the past many months, I have had suicidal ideations in the back of my mind. She asked how my ECT treatments are going and how I’m managing my medications. Even though she may not remember all of these things, she still cared enough to listen to my explanations and try to understand the disorders. Bipolar disorder and PTSD were not things that were considered ‘real’ when she was growing up. The fact that she can see them as real and care about my mental health means so much to me.

Then I was able to spend the evening with my mom. We went to dinner and a movie; we saw a chick flick, Mother’s Day. It was a good movie; not great, but not horrible. The best part of it all is that I got to spend time with my mom. I can talk to her about anything, and I’m not exaggerating. The two of us are happy doing anything, as long as we are together. Tomorrow, we are going to the Science Center to see a Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I can’t wait to see it; the exhibit brings to life 40 of his inventions. I’m excited to have the opportunity to spend time with my mom; it’s a blessing that I’m extremely grateful for.

The best part of the day is that I didn’t take any Valium. There were probably a couple of times that it would have been beneficial, but I pushed through and did okay. I only want to take that medication when I absolutely need it. If I take it too often, then I build up a tolerance to it, and it doesn’t work as well. Today, I was able to get through my day without any Valium at all. That is a big deal for me. I’ve had other days that I didn’t take any, but I usually didn’t leave the house on those days. Today, I was out and about quite a bit, and I was able to manage it on my own.

Routines: A Plan Of Action

Maintaining routines is extremely helpful to me; it is a great way to help manage bipolar disorder. Routines require ideas, plans, and action; these things keep us active and help us to feel good when we accomplish our daily tasks. I know I should follow my routine more strictly by keeping to a regular sleep schedule and eating on a regular schedule, but those things are very difficult for me to regulate.

The routine that I do keep may not be as structured as it should be, but it works for me. First of all, I go to the same stores that I always go to when I run errands, even if they are further away or more expensive. I do that because I’m comfortable going to stores I know. I like to write in the mornings and evenings. I take the dog for a walk late at night; he has a reflective harness for our safety. I also try to run errands during the day before the stores get busy. Then I can do household chores later in the day. Every night, I write a to-do list for the following day. As I complete my tasks the next day, I cross them off my list. My to-do lists allow me to create a plan for the next day that I can take action on and complete.

I try to keep my routine flexible so that it’s easier when I have major changes. It’s more like a plan or structure instead of a strict routine. I’m not good with change, most of us aren’t. When I keep a very strict routine, I have a hard time when it comes to seeing family and friends. My flexible routine allows me to manage my life while still being able to get together with others, even at the last minute. I know it would be beneficial if I went to bed at the same time every night and ate at the same time every day. These are things that I can work on. Everybody is different, and everyone has different needs.

Right now, I’m visiting my family, so my routines are all messed up. I have lots of things I want to get done, so I made a to-do list as always. Hopefully, that will help me keep some structure in my life while I’m away. I’ve been trying to plan things such as visits with people, but it hasn’t been working very well. Some things have to be left up to chance.

I Arrived!

I finally made it to my destination, and the stress of the trip was completely worth it. Some of the things I fear when traveling occurred, the rest of my fears were just thoughts that never took place. When standing in line to get on and off the planes, I made sure to wear my backpack to keep some distance between me and the person behind me. This worked a couple of times, but the other times I could feel the people behind me pushing up against my backpack. I was lucky to have polite people sitting next to me on the plane. However, the people behind me on the 4 hour flight were loud, obnoxious, and most likely drunk. I took medication as necessary; I did my best to time it all well.

I won’t take more than two pills of Valium in a day, that’s what my prescription is for, but I wanted to make sure that they would be effective when I needed them. I left my home at 9:20am and I arrived at my destination at 10:40pm. There’s no way that my Valium would be effective all day long. I had to choose when to take them so they would be most effective and helpful. I think I did a pretty good job today. It was all worth it when I got to hug my mom; she was waiting for me at baggage claim. Then we had over an hour drive back to her house to chat and share stories. We stayed up even later talking, probably because it’s so easy for us to talk to each other. I’m very blessed to be here with my mom and the rest of my family. I can’t wait to see everyone else starting tomorrow. I better start making a list of everything I need/want to do. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean I should stop making to-do lists; they really help me stay organized and focused.

Layover

I made it through my first flight. It wasn’t that bad. The people next to me were polite; the people behind me were loud and obnoxious. I’m halfway through my layover already. I had to walk from gate B to gate F. I wasn’t in a rush, so it was no big deal. Plus, it’s always nice to be able to stretch your legs after a 4 hour flight.

The rest of my layover and my next flight should be no problem. Then I get to see my mom! I’m hoping not to have to take another Valium, but the airport is extremely busy and starting to make me nervous and it is starting to be overwhelming. I’m not sure if I will take it or not, but at least I have it if I need it.

I can do this, positive thinking, keep saying it. It helped last time, it sure can’t hurt.

Waiting At The Gate

My ride to the airport was on time and went well. There were no problems there. I got through security at the airport in less than 5 minutes. Now, I’m waiting by my gate, my first plane boards in less than 30 minutes. I took some medication and bought some drinks and snacks for the flights. My first flight is 4 hours long, then a 2 hour layover, and my second flight is much shorter.

I can do this. I can do this. I keep saying that over and over in my mind. I’ve done this so many times before, it’s not new, just stressful. But it is 100% worth it to be able to be with my mom and the rest of my family.

The crowd of people are starting to gather at the gate. Everyone wants to rush to be the first ones on the plane. All I want is people to respect my space, but I doubt that will happen. I keep my backpack on so that keeps some space between me and the person behind me. Medication also helps. I hate crowds, they are a trigger for me. But I can do this; positive thinking helps.

Off To The Airport

I’m all packed and ready to go. My ride will be here soon and then I’m off to the airport. All of the sudden, my nerves are kicking up. I’m afraid that anything could go wrong. What if I don’t make it to the airport on time? What if I miss my flight? Will I be able to find a comfortable spot to sit down while I’m at the airport? Will I end up sitting next to someone who is polite or annoying? There are so many thoughts and possibilities bouncing around in my mind. I don’t know the answer to any of them. No one knows the answer, until they actually happen.

I’m trying to figure out when to take my first Valium for the day. It’s an entire day of flying for me, which means I want to make sure my Valium lasts as long as possible. The one thing that’s making me feel better is that I know at the end of the day, I will be with my mom. That makes everything better. I can’t wait to give her a hug. She makes all of the airport crap worth it.

Well, it’s time to pack my laptop. Here I go…

Reaching Out To Our Loved Ones

Reaching out is not something I’m good at. In fact, I have to write it down on my list of things to do so I remember to call a friend or family member. My husband encourages me to reach out to people. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. It’s extremely important to reach out to friends and family, it’s a great way to take care of ourselves. Reaching out to others during every state of our bipolar disorder allows us to maintain friendships. Creating and maintaining relationships is vital to our health; we don’t have to do this alone.

We can reach out to our friends and family in many ways. Even just a simple text message to let others know that we’re thinking about them is helpful, it helps maintain the relationship. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m manic, I tend to reach out to others more often. The things I say are not always the most appropriate. Luckily, my friends and family are very understanding. One of the things I’m working on is reaching out to others during depressive episodes. It’s extremely difficult, but I want my loved ones to know that I care about them and that I’m not just reaching out when I’m manic.

When I’m depressed, I don’t always know what to say to others. I have a hard time talking to other people in general. I have realized that when I reach out to loved ones, I can simply say, ‘Just saying hello; I want you to know I’m thinking about you. How are you doing? What’s new?’ Saying something that simple to someone you love can make them feel loved. Our loved ones are usually the ones that do most of the reaching out. I’m working very hard to change that; I don’t want to be the person that never calls or sends a message. When I receive a phone call or text from someone I care about, it makes me feel really good. It makes me smile and feel loved. I want to give that good feeling to my friends and family as well.

In my opinion, I can’t expect others to always reach out to me if I never reach out to them. Relationships go both ways. I believe that I need to put more effort into my relationships. I have been doing this with a couple important relationships and it has made a huge difference. For example, I’ve been reaching out more to a family member; I email, call, and text her and she does the same to me. I’m going home tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her. Our relationship has grown in just a short amount of time and it has had a huge and wonderful impact on my life. Every person that I’ve reached out to has been a success; I’m building and rebuilding relationships slowly but surely.

Insecure, Insignificant, and Worthless Feelings

Going out, whether it’s for fun or to get things done, can be very difficult. I like to isolate, I prefer to be by myself. I’m also extremely hard on myself. Whenever I go out, I have to get dressed, and that is always a reminder of my weight gain. Due to my bipolar, my weight has fluctuated over the years. Right now, I’m gaining weight, which makes me feel bad about myself. Weight gain really messes with my self-confidence. When I stay home, I don’t have to worry about other people judging me; I only have to worry about my own judgments, which is hard enough.

Everyone judges themselves, especially women, but I take it too far and let my thoughts interfere with my activities. I wish it was something that I could fix. If I’m not self-conscious about my weight, then it’s something else. I’m always going to find some way to judge myself. All women struggle with confidence, but not everyone lets those fears and thoughts interfere with their lives. Actually, everyone struggles with confidence, it’s not just women.

I’m not so sure how to get past these insecurities and fears. I’m not sure if I can handle some of the activities that I’ve been asked to do. Not all of my insecurities are due to my weight. I’m also terrified to go to large public events. I have anxiety attacks when I feel trapped and when I’m surrounded by people. There’s something coming up that my husband wants me to go to, and it does sound like fun, as long as I’m going with him. My husband is like my security net, he makes me feel safe no matter where I am. However, we’re not sure if he can go to the event because of work. I tried to explain to him how difficult it would be for me to go without him or with anyone else, but I’m not sure if he understands. I know that he really just wants me to get out of the house more and do healthy things; however, there is a big difference between trying more things and pushing yourself too far.

I wonder all the time if I’ll ever have my old life back; the life where I enjoyed going out to public events and I could manage my life without too many problems. I just want to feel free again; instead, I feel trapped by my fears and insecurities. I’m not sure if I will have that freedom again, but I’m still trying. I feel as if I’m wearing masks to cover up my feelings of insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. I pretend to feel good about myself, even when I don’t. I may feel bad about myself, but at least I know that those thoughts are not really accurate. I know that I’m better that I believe myself to be, I just wish I could really believe in myself. Hopefully I will one day, but until then, pretending to be okay is better than nothing at all.

Planning Ahead For My Trip

I’m trying to plan ahead, trying to get ready to go away again for 8 days. I always try to pack for any situation; you never know what you’ll need while you’re away. I’m even going to a different climate, making it even more difficult to pack. I have to go through my closets to find some long sleeve shirts in case it gets cold. I also have to find my suitcase that is somewhere in my garage. I’ve written out the list of everything I need to pack including toiletries, clothes, shoes, medicine, and extras. My plan is to lay everything out on the guest bed and check things off as I pack them in my suitcase.

I still have errands to run. My weekly prescription went through yesterday without any problems, which is the first time that happened problem free. I have to go grocery shopping and pick up my script today. I also want to go shopping for some clothes, mainly pants, if I have the time. All of that has to be done by the end of today. Tomorrow, I’m spending a good portion of the day with my in-laws; it’s my stepdaughter’s first Mother’s Day, and I won’t be available on Mother’s Day to be with any in-laws. I don’t like leaving things to the last minute. Tuesday morning I have to leave for the airport; I will need to be completely packed by Monday night and have my clothes for the day left out on the dresser. I plan on having everything laid out on the bed by the end of the day, and then simply packing everything by the end of the day tomorrow. A few things will be left out that I need in the morning; otherwise I will be ready to go.

While it’s important that I pack everything I could possible need, I also have to make sure I set my husband up so that he has everything he could need. I don’t have to do these things for my husband, but since he works and I don’t, I feel that I should do these things for him. I like to make sure my husband has all the food that he’ll need. I also have a couple of bills to take care of before I leave.

I’ve been told that I plan too much, but I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve been told that some things you can’t plan for, which is probably right, but there’s no harm in trying to plan. The way I plan is by making lists. I’m a very visual person and if it’s written down then it will get done. I try to think of every situation, like going out somewhere fancy and bringing back birthday/holiday gifts, to make sure I will have everything I need. I always believe it’s better to have something and not need it than need something and not have it.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Bipolar