As I prepare to go on vacation, I feel excitement begin to flow through my body. Very soon, I will be sitting on the beach and actually relaxing. I’ve made checklists of everything that has to get done before I leave. I have already counted all my meds and refilled the ones that would have run out while I’m away. I’ve started trying on some clothes to figure out what I want to pack. I was worried that trying on clothes would be difficult because of my weight gain, but more clothes fit me than I thought would. What a nice surprise!
I have to make sure everything gets done over the next couple of days. It’s a lot to do, but it will be a stressful vacation if I don’t get everything done that needs to be done while I’m away. I’m looking forward to relaxing. Part of me wonders if I even know how to relax anymore. Soon, when my view is the picture above, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to let go a little and relax.
For weeks now, I have been trying to decide whether or not I will be going to Cape Cod this summer. My family has been going since before I was born. For the past many years, I go for one week. Timing wise, I overlap with my sister, her husband, and their kids for one day. Then the rest of the time is just me and my mom. It’s great that I get to see my sister and her family. It’s fantastic that I get time just me and my mom. It’s my favorite vacation.
My mom and I get along so well, we’re more like best friends. We usually have the same ideas for what we want to do. We go and lay on the beach for a bit (just a one or two minute walk from the cottage), play some games, take naps, go to see a play, etc. We have the same taste in activities. When I go back home to Connecticut, I get to spend time with my mom, but it’s not the same. This is the only time we get to be alone together.
I’ve been questioning if I was going to go or not because of my bladder disorder. My interstitial cystitis is getting worse and I’m having to get treatments every week at this point. Plus, I would have to figure out where to get my weekly blood work done and where to get my prescription filled. It could be difficult, but am I really going to let these things get in the way of my vacation? I don’t think so. I think it’s time to start looking at plane tickets.
My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.
That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.
My flight landed 15 minutes early. It went well, no problems. I have 2 hours and 15 minutes until my next flight boards, that’s a long layover. It’s a crowded airport, but I was able to find a seat with my back against a wall. I know I can’t stay here the whole time. I’ll have to get up at some point to get a snack for my next flight. That’s when my heart starts racing again because I’m back in the crowd. I hate crowds. I wish there was a better way to travel alone.
I’m trying to figure out when to take my next Valium. I only get 2 a day, and I can feel the first one wearing off. I don’t want to take the next one too soon because it will wear off when I need it. If I take it too late then it won’t kick in on time. I think I’ll take it in about an hour. That way, it can help me with the boarding process for my next flight, which is the hardest part of it all. I’ll just have to deal with part of the flight, which is over 4 hours long. I have a very hard time being that close to others. I guess I’ll just do the best that I can.
I really just want this day to be over with. I want to sit on the couch with my husband and simply relax (as much as I can relax). It will be soon.
Not the airport again. I really hate airports, but I love planes. It’s just the people who I hate. People you don’t even know invade your personal space. I’m always afraid that I’m going to have to get a pat down when going through security. I panic when strangers touch me, sometimes even when people I know touch me. So the thought of a pat down is terrifying. In all of the times I’ve flown, it’s only happened to me twice. Most likely, everything will go smoothly (despite people invading my personal space) and I will have worried for nothing. I can’t help it.
I hate it when people tell me, just relax or calm down. The worst is when people say, there’s no reason to be nervous. Maybe there’s no reason to be nervous for them, but for me, it’s horrifying. I wish there was a better way to travel long distances. I have driven cross-country twice, but it is a 37 hour drive one way. I’m not really up for that. It’s like when people tell you how great you look or how great you’re doing when you’re going through a major depression. I know people are just trying to be polite, but it’s not helping. It generally feels more like someone telling me how I should feel instead of accepting how I actually feel. I don’t know if that was confusing or not. I tried to explain it all including how I feel. Does anyone else have this same issue? Does anyone else feel insulted or discredited when people try to tell you how great you look? All I want is to be accepted as I am. I hope that’s not too much to ask.
I leave tomorrow to go back home. I’m both saddened and excited at the same time. I don’t want to leave my mom and other family members; however, I miss my husband, his (my) family, my dog, and my routine. I’m close with my husband’s family, I feel like they are my family, not just my in-laws. I’ll be home tomorrow night. My husband is picking me up from the airport and I can’t wait to see him.
I have lots to do today so I can go back home tomorrow. I’m anxious because I have so much to do and I’m not sure if I can get it all done, but I’ll do my best. I wrote my to-do list last night. Besides writing my blog, I have to email my doctor, wash my hair, do laundry, pack, try to go see my grandma once more, go to the local farmer’s market, and look for secondary health insurance. I also have a few things to help my mom with, while I’m still here. I know it sounds obvious to wash my hair, but it’s such a huge task because it’s so long that I feel it’s worthy of being on my to-do list. I can tie my hair in a knot, like a bun, and it stays up. I’ve been meaning to look at secondary health insurance, it might help to have something in addition to my primary insurance. I figured I would do it while I’m here so my mom can help me figure it out. Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed and can’t figure out how to do even the simplest of things.
I got so many other things done already this past week and was able to visit with so many people. I met with two family friends yesterday and was able to catch up with them. I had a great visit with both of them. My brother and his awesome wife invited me over for dinner last night. I’m honored that they would invite me, and we had a great time. I love how happy they are together.
Now, I just have to get moving so I can get all of these things done on my list. I can’t put off washing my hair, laundry, or packing any longer.
I’ve heard it said many times before, ‘Challenges aren’t there to stop us; they’re there to show us what we’re made of.’ If that’s true, then I’m made of medications. It’s my daily medications and my as needed meds (such as Valium) that allow me to face my challenges. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but I honestly don’t think I would be able to do anything without my meds. I can do a lot without Valium; it’s just there in case I need it. While on vacation, I have needed it more, but there have been times this past week when I did things without taking any. I’m going out with my mom and grandma this afternoon for mother’s day and I’m going to do it without taking any Valium, or at least that’s the plan. I can do it, I can do it. I tell myself over and over and eventually it helps. Everyone faces challenges on a daily basis, big and small. Even if I have to take daily medications and some other medications as needed to get through these challenges, at least I’m getting through them. At least I give it a try.
One challenge I’m dealing with right now is getting my weekly blood test results over to the pharmacy so I can get my prescription for Clozapine. I had my blood drawn at the local hospital and then I was told that they could not send my results to the pharmacy even though my psychiatrist requested it on the lab order, he gave them the pharmacy fax number and everything. All labs are closed on Sundays where I am, even the one in the hospital. So tomorrow morning, I have to call the hospital lab and Quest labs and explain the entire situation to them. Hopefully they will have my results and will fax it over to my pharmacy. If not, then I’m going to have to go to the hospital to talk to someone in person. The hospital is 40 minutes away. If that doesn’t work, then I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I will find a way to keep trying. There has to be a solution.
This is a huge challenge for me. I’m extremely uncomfortable talking to people. My anxiety increases, I start rocking back and forth, I lose my words, my heart rate increases, and I start shaking. Maybe no one else notices it, but I feel exposed. I feel as if everyone in the world can see that I can’t even ask people questions. I’m getting a little better at it, but it’s still terrifying to me. Sometimes, I write down my questions in case I lose my focus due to the anxiety. That way, no matter what, I can get my questions answered. I need to at least try to do it. The times that I try and it works out, I feel so proud of myself. It’s a huge accomplishment. I do my best not to let my challenges stop me; I try to find my way around them, one thing at a time.
I finally made it to my destination, and the stress of the trip was completely worth it. Some of the things I fear when traveling occurred, the rest of my fears were just thoughts that never took place. When standing in line to get on and off the planes, I made sure to wear my backpack to keep some distance between me and the person behind me. This worked a couple of times, but the other times I could feel the people behind me pushing up against my backpack. I was lucky to have polite people sitting next to me on the plane. However, the people behind me on the 4 hour flight were loud, obnoxious, and most likely drunk. I took medication as necessary; I did my best to time it all well.
I won’t take more than two pills of Valium in a day, that’s what my prescription is for, but I wanted to make sure that they would be effective when I needed them. I left my home at 9:20am and I arrived at my destination at 10:40pm. There’s no way that my Valium would be effective all day long. I had to choose when to take them so they would be most effective and helpful. I think I did a pretty good job today. It was all worth it when I got to hug my mom; she was waiting for me at baggage claim. Then we had over an hour drive back to her house to chat and share stories. We stayed up even later talking, probably because it’s so easy for us to talk to each other. I’m very blessed to be here with my mom and the rest of my family. I can’t wait to see everyone else starting tomorrow. I better start making a list of everything I need/want to do. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean I should stop making to-do lists; they really help me stay organized and focused.
I made it through my first flight. It wasn’t that bad. The people next to me were polite; the people behind me were loud and obnoxious. I’m halfway through my layover already. I had to walk from gate B to gate F. I wasn’t in a rush, so it was no big deal. Plus, it’s always nice to be able to stretch your legs after a 4 hour flight.
The rest of my layover and my next flight should be no problem. Then I get to see my mom! I’m hoping not to have to take another Valium, but the airport is extremely busy and starting to make me nervous and it is starting to be overwhelming. I’m not sure if I will take it or not, but at least I have it if I need it.
I can do this, positive thinking, keep saying it. It helped last time, it sure can’t hurt.
I’m trying to plan ahead, trying to get ready to go away again for 8 days. I always try to pack for any situation; you never know what you’ll need while you’re away. I’m even going to a different climate, making it even more difficult to pack. I have to go through my closets to find some long sleeve shirts in case it gets cold. I also have to find my suitcase that is somewhere in my garage. I’ve written out the list of everything I need to pack including toiletries, clothes, shoes, medicine, and extras. My plan is to lay everything out on the guest bed and check things off as I pack them in my suitcase.
I still have errands to run. My weekly prescription went through yesterday without any problems, which is the first time that happened problem free. I have to go grocery shopping and pick up my script today. I also want to go shopping for some clothes, mainly pants, if I have the time. All of that has to be done by the end of today. Tomorrow, I’m spending a good portion of the day with my in-laws; it’s my stepdaughter’s first Mother’s Day, and I won’t be available on Mother’s Day to be with any in-laws. I don’t like leaving things to the last minute. Tuesday morning I have to leave for the airport; I will need to be completely packed by Monday night and have my clothes for the day left out on the dresser. I plan on having everything laid out on the bed by the end of the day, and then simply packing everything by the end of the day tomorrow. A few things will be left out that I need in the morning; otherwise I will be ready to go.
While it’s important that I pack everything I could possible need, I also have to make sure I set my husband up so that he has everything he could need. I don’t have to do these things for my husband, but since he works and I don’t, I feel that I should do these things for him. I like to make sure my husband has all the food that he’ll need. I also have a couple of bills to take care of before I leave.
I’ve been told that I plan too much, but I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve been told that some things you can’t plan for, which is probably right, but there’s no harm in trying to plan. The way I plan is by making lists. I’m a very visual person and if it’s written down then it will get done. I try to think of every situation, like going out somewhere fancy and bringing back birthday/holiday gifts, to make sure I will have everything I need. I always believe it’s better to have something and not need it than need something and not have it.