Trying To Manage Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.

Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.

Passing Time

I have some spare time since I’m on disability and can’t work, but I keep myself occupied. I make to-do lists at night to help me stay focused for the next day. My to-do list has required activities as well as optional activities. If it’s not on my list, it’s not going to get done. Getting to cross things off of my to-do list makes me feel good. I spend a lot of time going to doctor appointments, maintaining my life, maintaining my husband’s life, taking care of our home, running errands, cooking, and cleaning to name a few things.

When I’m at home, I always have the TV on in the background, whether I’m watching it or not. It helps me to have background noise. For some reason, my mind tends to wander when there’s silence. When I’m not doing something from my to-do list, I often explore various things online, play games, or watch TV. No matter what I’m doing, I try to find a balance between relaxation time and constructive time. I’m still working on it, but I think I’ll find the right combination at some point.

My to-do list from yesterday was small. Sometimes I add to it as the day goes on.

October 26, 2016
Go through my email
Check my blog
Doctor appointment
Grocery Store
Go to the bank
Research medicare options
Cut up melons and pineapple

Isolation

Many people who have bipolar disorder or other mental health disorders tend to struggle with isolation. My husband and family think that I struggle with isolation. Technically, they may be right, but I would rather be by myself than with others. Being social, whether with friends or family, is almost always a challenge. I’m always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I’m fearful of people or things I don’t know. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I prefer isolation because it’s easier for me to handle. I have fewer panic/anxiety attacks when I stay home. I don’t get bored; I tend to keep myself company. I find things to do during the day to keep myself busy. Many people get bored and struggle when they have to stay home by themselves. I know that my family is just trying to help me by getting me out of the house. Just because some people struggle to stay home alone, doesn’t mean I struggle as well. It’s healthy and important get out sometimes, but I also know my own boundaries. For me, sometimes it’s better for me to stay home. I guess I just have to find a happy medium, some sort of balance between isolation and socialization.

Coyotes Game

My husband and I went to the Coyotes game last night (for those of you who don’t know, it is pro hockey) and we had a great time. We won in overtime! It was a lot more crowded than it normally is; the arena was sold out. Trying to walk anywhere was almost impossible; you just had to push your way through the massive crowds. I had to take more Valium for my anxiety, which I didn’t want to do, so I decided to take half of a pill. It worked perfectly. Plus, my husband either held my hand or had is arm around me the entire time to help me stay calm. He’s so great about doing that. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the game without him.

My face was painted with the Coyotes symbol at the state fair yesterday, and it stayed perfectly all day for the game. The next game won’t be as crowded. Last nights game was the busiest of the year because it was the home opener. I can’t wait for the next game we go to, which is in a couple of weeks on November 1st.

The State Fair

I went to the Arizona State Fair early this afternoon for a couple of hours. It did cause a lot of anxiety because there were so many people there, but taking Valium and being with my husband helped me a lot. We walked through some of the shopping areas, we had some fry bread, we went on a couple of rides, and we even got our faces painted (for the game tonight). It was difficult because people were walking all over the place. No one was paying attention to where they were walking or what they were doing. But my husband held my hand through it all.

I did my best to have a good time at the State Fair despite my fears and anxiety. It probably helped that we only stayed there for about 2 hours. When it felt like I had enough, I listened to myself, and we called it a day at the fair. Now, I have a couple of hours to rest before we go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener.

A Busy and Nerve-Wracking Day

I have a busy and nerve-wracking day planned for today. In the early afternoon, I’m going with my husband to the Arizona State Fair. I’ve lived here for over a decade and have never been to the state fair. I’m from a small town with only 3,500 people. I’ve never seen a fair as big as I’m about to see. I’m nervous, so of course I’m going to need some Valium to help me get through this. My husband knows not to leave my side and to either walk behind me or keep his arm around me so I don’t feel like someone can creep up behind me. My husband makes me feel safe. The fair will be difficult, but I can do it.

Later tonight, I’m extremely excited to go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener. We’re big hockey fans. My husband and I got good seats. Normally, we get cheap seats that are still pretty good, but for some reason, we decided to upgrade to great seats with an amazing view. I’m happy about the seats, but I’m also nervous because I’ve never been to that part of the arena. New things scare me. I hope it goes well. My husband will help me get through it and enjoy it.

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week or so, and when that happens my mind tends to wander. I tend to worry, and of course every noise my house makes freaks me out. I feel so vulnerable, it’s from my PTSD. I think about when I first got sober, the long-term rehab I was in required that we take martial arts, among many other activities. I loved it! I worked hard at it, and in just about a year’s time, I was able to graduate to from a white belt to a blue belt. I really miss it. It gave me more confidence, and most importantly, it helped me feel safe when I was alone.

I’ve been thinking about joining some type of martial arts or self-defense class. It might take me many months to actually do, but I started thinking about it. I even brought it up to my husband last night. He reminded me that the main reason I stopped doing martial arts was because of the pain in my knees and hips, which I completely forgot about thanks to ECT. This was before my knee surgery. I know it’s really hard on my body, but it may be worth a try. I think a self-defense class would be easier on me physically.

I might start researching the different places I could go to. A one-on-one self-defense class is probably the least anxiety-provoking and intimidating. I get extremely nervous in groups. If I feel comfortable down the road, I can always join a martial arts program. Who knows what will happen, anything’s possible.

Doing Things For Ourselves

Today is going a bit better. I feel okay so far. I’ve been able to get some things done. Now, I’m about to get ready to go to the gym with my husband. I’m anxious, but at least I go. It’s better than not going. I’ve decided to go to Cape Cod, so I should probably try to lose a bit of weight. Now, I have a reason, a goal to lose weight for. Of course, I would want to look as good as possible in a bathing suit. It’s not for anyone else, it’s just for myself. I’ve learned over the years that the things we do are for ourselves, not for others. Doing the best we can is to please ourselves. I’m so proud of my niece, she’s 13 years old, she has learned that at such a young age when it took me so long to figure it out. She is a figure skater, and competes. She says that she competes against herself, not against the other people there. It’s such a great attitude and way to look at things.

There are many things on want to work on for myself besides my weight. I want to become more comfortable in public places. It would be nice if I could go to the gym on my own without my husband. Right now, it’s too anxiety provoking for me to go on my own. I still have anxiety when I’m there with my husband, but it has been getting better each time. Maybe, one day I could go on my own. Maybe I could go with him but not need him to be with me every second. Those are my goals for myself for now.

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

I’ve been doing all my holiday and other gift shopping a little bit at a time. I should be all done in about a month or two. While I was organizing my gift ideas, I realized that I didn’t have any ideas for my grandma for her birthday, and that’s not right. So I started thinking and come up with an idea of creating a picture book of her through the years. She’s 90 years old; she will be 91 on July 25th of this year. I just want her to know how much she means to me. I told my mom about my idea and it turns out I already did something very similar when she turned 85 years old.

My mom had a better idea, but it’s a lot of work. I’m going to write a book about my grandma, “The Life and Times of Sylvia”. I will come up with some questions and my grandma will answer them. I will get to work on this project with my grandma. This allows me to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better. It will also give us something to talk about, making conversations easier. I told her about it yesterday and she loved the idea. I told her that it will take some time. Maybe she can answer one of my questions every time we talk.

Some of the questions I came up with were how she met my grandfather? What type of work did she do at MIT? What was it like living through the depression? What was Hebrew school like? I have many more questions and I can’t wait to get to know her better. This will be a lot of work, and at times it could be very difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. I’m always worrying about losing my grandma. I think this is a great way to spend our time together. I don’t want to have any regrets in the end; that’s what this project is helping me with. Hopefully it will all work out.

Why Is Meditating So Difficult?

I’ve been meditating every day for the past week using the guided imagery for women with interstitial cystitis CD. I’ve really been trying to meditate, but it’s really difficult for me. I have made sure to at least try to meditate using the CDs each day. Some days are harder than others, but pretty much every day is difficult. The second I’m supposed to sit down and relax my mind starts to run even faster than normal (which I didn’t know was possible). I start to fidget and get itchy. I try to ignore these things, but the more I ignore them the more obvious they become. I don’t know why meditating is so much work for me. I’m told that it will get easier with practice.

Meditation is supposed to be relaxing, so why do I get anxious when attempting to meditate? The difficulties that I’m having with it are the reasons why I never liked meditating. Despite the difficulties I’m having with meditation, I keep trying because of the benefits that it has. The guided meditation I’m using is supposed to help with my bladder disorder. I’ve been having so many problems with my bladder that I’m willing to try anything in order to see some improvement. There was one time that I was meditating using the CD and I ended up falling asleep. I don’t know if that counts as meditating since I fell asleep in the middle of it, but it does show that I’m getting better because I had to be relaxed in order fall asleep. I can say for certain that I have been giving 100% effort into meditation every day and I will continue to do so for at least one month.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Activities