I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all are able to be with and/or talk to your loved ones on this special day. I leave at 2:30pm to go to our cousin’s house, where there will be a lot of people. I’ll let you know how I do when I get home. I have several coping mechanisms that I can use if my anxiety gets to be too much. I’m going in with a positive attitude.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Yesterday, I offered to make my chocolate mousse and bring it to Thanksgiving. Then I went to the grocery store and couldn’t find all of the ingredients. I need two packages of Ladyfingers, but they only had one. The manager even checked in the back, but he couldn’t find any. That means that I have to go to the grocery store again today, on one of the busiest days of the year. I’m really nervous about that. I know I don’t have to make the dessert, they have plenty of food, but I want to, it’s really delicious. I’m going to go to the store soon, hopefully it won’t be too horribly busy. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I got to see my granddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours. My step-daughter, her boyfriend, their daughter (my granddaughter), my husband, and myself all got together at my mother-in-laws house for dinner. We had a great time, but for some reason I have a hard time interacting with my granddaughter around a group of people. I’ve never had a child, so I don’t really know what to do or how to connect with any baby, even my own grandchild. I guess I just freeze. I’m getting better at connecting with her, but it’s not easy. I suppose I just feel out of place. Plus, it just reminds me that I don’t and will never have kids of my own, which makes me want to cry every time that thought goes through my mind. I think I’ll get better at interacting with my grandchild over time, at least I hope so.
My days seem to be getting busier. Once I get moving, I don’t stop until about 2 hours before bed. I honestly feel like I have too much going on; I’m going to burn out soon. I think this is why I’m having anxiety attacks every day; it may not be the whole reason, but it’s definitely one of the reasons.
I’m trying to prepare myself for Thanksgiving, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to be walking into. There will be so many people there that I don’t know, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that. I will know about 10 or 15 of the people there, the rest will be strangers to me. I can offer to help out in the kitchen, which can help reduce my anxiety, as long as there aren’t too many people in the kitchen already.
Valium will also help. Lately, I wish I could take Valium all day, every day. I won’t; I know it’s not safe, especially for me. I just need to get through the next couple weeks. I have to get through Thanksgiving, the family reunion, packing and traveling to Connecticut, a party in Connecticut, a friend’s party after I get back home, and then of course there is Christmas and New Years. After writing all of this out, it feels like there’s more to stress out about than I can handle.
I’m having a hard time getting things done lately, with the exception of yesterday. Every task, no matter now big or small, seems to be almost impossible. Every time I find out that there’s something new I need to do, it feels as if someone is squeezing my chest through my ribs, and my breathing gets harder. It only lasts a couple of minutes, but it’s very annoying. They’re not as bad as my regular anxiety attacks, but they are somewhat similar.
I am still able to get things done, but not without difficulty. Is it just a lack of motivation that I’m dealing with? Is it part of the depression I’m going through? Am I simply on overload right now? Who knows, but it’s time for me to force myself to get some things done today. Hopefully I will have more days like yesterday. I had to force myself to do a lot of tasks, but I was very productive.
I have anxiety attacks frequently. I’m used to them on some level. However, anytime someone knocks on my door or rings the doorbell, my heart automatically jumps, as if it’s trying to jump out of my chest. I don’t know why, but I panic every time there’s a noise outside of my house. When it happens, my mind flashes back to when I was 17 and living with an abusive boyfriend.
It used to paralyze me, but now I slowly walk to the door with my dog and check to see who is there. I hate the fear I feel when there’s a knock on the door. They’re panic attacks and I feel like I have no control over them. I’ve been able to reduce how long they last, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get rid of them completely. Most of my anxiety and panic attacks are related to sound. I don’t know why that is.
Not only is Thanksgiving just around the corner, but we’re also having a family reunion next Sunday with my father-in-law’s side of the family. My husband is helping me prepare for Thanksgiving. I now know whose house it will be at and when we have to be there. I also know that there are going to be some people I don’t know, but I will just stick by the people that I know.
There are also going to be a lot of people at the family reunion that I haven’t met. I’m nervous about it, but also excited. I’ve heard stories about these people, but never met most of them. As long as I have my husband by my side, I should be okay. The Valium will also help. It’s a lot to deal with in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll be able to manage.
Then shortly after that, my husband and I fly to Connecticut to spend a week with my family. I’m not anxious or worried about being with my family. Actually, I’m excited to spend time with family. The only thing I worry about is the traveling; I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
I went to group last night; I had accidentally forgotten to go last week. I was nervous, but I was also looking forward to going. I had a lot on my mind; plus, I had just dropped dinner and dealt with that situation. I want to be going to a group every week; I’m looking for something that will be a part of my normal schedule. I don’t think that this group can give that to me, but it’s still important to go to a group to have support from other people like me.
I waited 20 minutes for someone to show up, but no one came. I was going to just turn right around and go home, but I thought it would be better to stay. I had already gotten myself to the group, which is not an easy task, I might as well stay to see if someone show’s up. They could have made some kind of announcement last week, which I did not attend, saying that group was canceled, I’ll never know. When the time was up and no one comes, I turned around and went home. I’m still giving myself credit for going there and trying.
I was really on top of everything that was happening yesterday. I decided to prepare the meal, which was Chicken Tetrazzini, ahead of time and then simply put it in the oven when my husband heads home from work. I spent about an hour preparing the food, I put it in the casserole dish, top it with parmesan cheese, covered it with tin foil, and then, I dropped it as I picked it up. It was another one of my twitches, myoclonic jerks, from the Lithium. Not only did I drop the meal I had worked hard on to make, I also dropped my favorite casserole dish that I got as a gift when we got married.
I immediately got angry at myself, angry at my medication, and angry about my situation in general. I cleaned everything up while mumbling negatively under my breath. I spoke to my husband and I vented to him. He was kind and said he would replace my favorite dish. It helped me begin a little. I came to realize that I was lucky I didn’t get hurt when the dish broke. Trying to look at this in a more positive manner helped me feel a little better. I’m now going around in circles in my head; I’m positive, then negative, over and over, and I probably will that way for the rest of the night.
I’m worried. I was lucky that what I dropped didn’t hurt me. What if I was picking up a pot filled with boiling water? I could serious get hurt. I love cooking, I would be extremely upset if I ended up not being able to cook on a regular basis anymore. If that were to happen, I would decide to go off of Lithium, which is what causes the twitching. My mind keeps going through all of the different possibilities. I need to get my mind off of this; there’s nothing I can do about it now anyways.
Please check out my most recent article on The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) blog. The article, Traveling Easier, talks about how I manage to travel, specifically through airports. Please check it out.
You can find my posts on the IBPF website here.
My Side of the Pole 