I Can’t Get Started

The past few days, I’ve been having a very hard time getting my day started. My muscles and joints feel like they’re too tired to move. This starts from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. I have no clue how to fix this. I did decide that I would try taking a day off of working out, which means no Zumba or gym workout today. I’ve spent a good amount of time today stretching my muscles, hoping that it would help, but there’s been no change so far.

I am so tired today that I actually took a nap for about 45 minutes. I slept fine last night, but for some reason, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So far, today has not been at all productive. After I finish writing this, I am going to start cleaning my house. A clean house always makes me feel better; maybe it will help me.

I usually write when I wake up in the morning, but I haven’t had it in me to do that. I think I need to push myself to stick to my routine. When I wake up I should feed the dog, check my email, write about what’s on my mind, and then start any tasks written on my to-do list. I will try that again starting tomorrow.

Another Day, Another Problem, Another Solution

Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.

I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.

Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.

I’m Exhausted but Can’t Sleep

I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.

As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.

Anxiety At The Gym

My husband and I just finished working out at the gym. Thank goodness it wasn’t very busy, but my anxiety was still pretty high. My anxiety tends to sky-rocket every time I see someone, walk by someone, or see someone looking my way. So basically, that means my anxiety is high the entire time I’m there. My husband stays by me the whole time to help me feel a little more secure, but it doesn’t completely remove my anxiety. I can’t imagine how anxious I would be without having my husband there by my side. In fact, I don’t think I would even be able to go if I wasn’t with him.

Even when the gym is slow, like it was today, there are still more people to keep track of than possible. Knowing everything that’s going on around me is one of the things that helps reduce my anxiety. I start to panic when I can’t see everything that’s happening and everyone that’s around me. My husband is there to help keep me safe and as a second pair of eyes, but no one can see everything that’s happening in a gym at one time. I become very nervous, scared, and paranoid in public places. I wish I could get rid of all of this anxiety. It’s exhausting. I have Valium that helps, but I don’t want to take one every time we go to the gym. I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it, although that doesn’t sound like something I want to do or can do. I’m sure it will get better over time; I just have to be patient.

Medical Billing Confusion

My husband has a lot of medical bills, not nearly as much as I do, but his are for his back. He has a herniated disc and a bulging disc as well as degenerative disc disease. He had back surgery last year, which helped a little, but not enough. I keep all of my important documents filed alphabetically. So if I can’t figure out these bills, then I don’t know any regular person that could.

I’m having problems keeping track of all the bills. He already met his deductible, but for some reason, we are getting bills and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m a very organized person, but I still struggle keeping everything in order. One of the bills we got in the mail says that we owe $400, but it doesn’t even say why. There’s no date of service on the bill or any explanation regarding the medical service provided. Obviously, I’m going to have to call the billing departments and dispute these bills. I really hate handling these types of issues.

I can’t seem to get moving today. I fell asleep on the couch this morning less than an hour after I woke up. I’m not sure why I’m so tired, I actually slept through the night last night. Normally, I wake up several times. There are so many things I need to get done today. In addition to everything on my to-do list, I also have to clean up my house. It’s technically clean, but messy. I don’t like having a messy house, so that has to be taken care of soon.

Blaming Myself Is Exhausting

If you’re anything like I am, you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life. Every time that something goes differently than I want it to, I consider it to be my fault. The truth is, it may not be anyone’s fault, but I still blame myself. This is a very hard way to live life, and it’s very exhausting as well. I also tend to apologize to others for no reason. My husband is always asking me why I keep saying ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t know what to tell him. I do my best not to apologize for that; to be honest, I don’t know where this issue comes from.

It’s not necessary to take responsibility for everything that happens in life. Some things just don’t go the way you want them to; however, I don’t know how to express my feelings to other people without telling them I’m sorry. When my husband is in pain, I tell him I’m sorry. What am I supposed to tell him? When my friend is upset, what am I supposed to tell him/her? I suppose I’m just unsure how to express my emotions. I’m open to suggestions, if anyone would like to offer any.

Knowing Your Diagnosis

Understanding your own mental health is extremely important. Even though most of us have some type of support system, knowing your own illness is the best way to take care of ourselves. I know that I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I have manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. While others may be able to see some of my symptoms, I try to be the first person that can see them. I am aware of the symptoms I exhibit for each type of episode. Knowing my symptoms helps me to catch my episodes before they get too far. Those that I’m close with, such as my husband, family, and best friend are also able to see my symptoms when they start to appear. I can ask these individuals for help to better maintain my mental health.

Hopefully, by paying attention, I will be the first to notice when I’m not sleeping, if I become obsessive, if I have racing thoughts, if I spend too much money, or become overly talkative. These are all signs that I’m becoming manic. I also hope to be the first to notice if I’m sleeping too much, if I feel pathetic or empty, if I cannot find pleasure in activities, if I gain weight, or if I start planning a suicide. These are all signs that a depression is coming. A mixture of these symptoms can mean a mixed episode is starting. I want to be the first to notice my symptoms so that I can get a jump-start on treating the symptoms and episode.

It’s not easy to know and understand your own mental health. Every person’s bipolar disorder is different. Each person has different symptoms occur, and each person has different ways they have found that treat their symptoms. Knowing your symptoms also allows the individual to contact their doctor so he/she can alter medication as necessary. Some of our episodes come from medication changes, from stressful events, from medical changes, or even from out of the blue. The sooner we begin to treat our episodes, and allow our doctors to treat us, the better off we will be. Success comes from knowledge of our own diagnoses.

Inside My Depression

I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.

I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.

I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.

I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.

Productivity Difficulty

I’m home and I’m trying to get some things done today. I just don’t seem to have the energy or desire. When I was in Connecticut visiting my mom, I could get up and start doing things without a problem; it wasn’t difficult for me. However, now that I’m home, I notice that it seems to take a lot more effort. Why is that? Why is life easier in one place and harder in another? I wish I had the same amount of energy and desire no matter where I am. When I’m home, I rely on my routine, which I’m having a hard time following so far today. I had this same problem with productivity before I left for vacation; I think I have this problem any time I’m home. I almost always get things done, but it’s extremely difficult. I usually feel as if I’m pushing myself close to my breaking point. When I’m away, I do what I want, when I want, but it’s all so much easier to do and I’m much more productive.

Maybe it will just take me a little time to get back in the swing of things, hopefully. It’s possible that I’m just overwhelmed because there’s so much to do. My husband does try to clean up before I come back home. The thought he puts in is enough for me, it shows that he cares. Plus, no one can clean up as well as I can, at least not to my standards. I know my husband tried because the bed was made and there were no dishes in the sink. There are papers all over the place, but it could be a lot worse. I want to be a productive person, I want to get things done without pushing myself beyond my breaking point; however, productivity requires energy and efficiency. Maybe I can just do one thing an hour. I could also spend 20 minutes coloring in my new adult coloring books in-between each task I get done.

I still have to email my doctor, go grocery shopping, unpack, pick up the papers all over the house, pick up my prescriptions, return a gift that doesn’t work, and call a doctor’s office to debate a bill that they billed incorrectly (I think). It’s a lot to do, but it’s all written down on my to-do list. I need to be productive, for myself. I need to feel useful. The more I get done, the better I feel about myself.

Happy To Be Home

My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.

That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Exhaustion