Tag: Improvement

Managing My Self-Esteem

Managing My Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is hard to maintain, whether you have any mental health disorders or not. I can’t say how it is for those that don’t, but for me, a woman with bipolar 1 and PTSD, it is really hard to keep up my self-esteem. I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong or even slightly incorrect. On top of the every day reasons for my low self-esteem, I even blame myself for my mental health disorders.

Self-esteem is described as respect and confidence in your own abilities. I don’t feel as if I have any good abilities, never mind having any confidence in them. I tell myself to think more of myself and to believe in myself, but it’s easier said than done. I know my family would say something different. It’s easier to see things in other people than it is to see things in yourself.

I’m such a perfectionist, so when I don’t do something perfect, I get down on myself. For example, when I graduated college, I had a 3.94 GPA. All I could think, and still think, is that it’s not a 4.0. I should have had a 4.0. I know that these emotions are unreasonable, but most emotions with bipolar disorder are unreasonable.

I do the best that I can, I have positive influences in my life, and I am appreciative for others (such as my friends and family), but it still doesn’t help me to feel better about myself. I need to find an emotional purpose.

Support Group Is Improving

Support Group Is Improving

I went to the same support group last night; that’s three weeks in a row. I didn’t stay as long because I wanted to get home to my husband, who just had an epidural a couple hours before the group started. The first two times, I found some things to be frustrating about the group, but it was probably all of my fears since it was new to me. However, yesterday went really well. Nothing was frustrating. It was actually enjoyable. I think I will continue going back. I won’t be going next week because it is 3rd anniversary with my husband.

There’s another support group that’s somewhat close to me and I’ve been thinking about trying that one as well. I’m nervous about that because it’s new to me. But the one I go to now was new just a few weeks ago, and I made that one work.

Juicing Is Showing Physical Improvements

Juicing Is Showing Physical Improvements

The juicing seems to be going well. Today is day five and I’m following the plan strictly. I found a couple of juice recipes that aren’t completely disgusting. I’m still not sure how long I’m going to do this, at least 10 days; 30 or 45 days would be fantastic. When I’m at home, I always have the TV on even when I’m not watching it. I like the background noise. I’ve  noticed over the past several days how many commercials there are for food. The commercials are extremely tempting. However, it’s not too bad because I’m not hungry most of the time. The juice and water keeps me full.

It also seems that this juicing plan is helping my bladder issues, which is amazing! It has also helped to clear up my complexion and lose a few pounds. The improvement in my bladder disorder is my favorite result.

Update: Another Day Down

Update: Another Day Down

I’ve made it another day with the juicing. I even found one juice recipe that I can drink without wanting to choke afterwards. It’s made mostly of pineapple, apple, and spinach. It helps that I get to eat fruits and vegetables. I got to snack on green grapes today, which was extremely satisfying. Luckily, I’m not hungry very often. The juice is very filling; the large amount of water I drink every day also helps keep me full.

I have talk therapy tomorrow, which is something I need. I just need to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t freak out or become overly concerned when I explain certain aspects of my depression. I know my depression is slowly getting better, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. At this point, it means I’m no longer taking naps during the day, I’m sleeping at night, and I’m willing to leave the house to run errands. I believe I will keep improving, slowly but surely.

Starting To See Again

Starting To See Again

It hasn’t even been a week since I went back on Mirapex, yet I think I see some improvements already. Instead of sleeping all day and night, I’m only taking about one nap a day. I’m also actually getting some things done. I’ve been able to run errands a lot easier than it has been. I’m tired, I don’t care much about anything, I cry randomly, and I’m feeling a lot of guilt and hopelessness. It’s still difficult, but I think I see some changes, I’m starting to be able to see things again in a good way.

The depression has made it hard for me to blog. I don’t have the energy to write, and when I do, I don’t really have much to say. I’m doing my best to keep my blog updated. I know that it’s helpful for me while I try to get through this depression.

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights

I lay here again, unable to fall asleep. Thoughts and memories flood my brain making it close to impossible to even close my eyes. This doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to occur. Maybe, once our new Sleep Number mattress arrives, this will happen even less than it does already.

My mind is racing fast, but it’s hard to stay focused on any one set of thoughts. How do I help myself fall asleep? All of the things I normally do have been unsuccessful. I think I’ll get up and stretch since my muscles are hurting. Even if I don’t sleep tonight, I’m trying to be grateful that this happens only a couple times a month now instead of several times a week. Improvement is a big deal.

 

Side Effects or Underlying Issues?

Side Effects or Underlying Issues?

I have so many different struggles that it makes me wonder which difficulties have been there all along, and which ones are side effects of medication or ECT. Something has to change. Whatever it is, I really need to see some improvement. Hopefully I don’t have to wait too long. The three biggest struggles that come to my mind are memory loss, trouble finding the right words when talking (aphasia), and trouble making decisions. I mentioned these issues to my psychiatrist the other day. He told me that the aphasia is most likely caused by the Lithium. High levels of Lithium can cause aphasia in some individuals. Even though my Lithium level is low, it can still cause aphasia. I chose not to make any changes to my Lithium because we are already making a couple big changes such as increasing my Clozapine dose and stopping ECT treatments. It’s not a good idea to make too many changes at once. If something does happen (positive or negative), I wouldn’t know which medication change caused the new effect.

The memory loss is definitely from ECT. Since I have decided to stop doing ECT treatments, I’m wondering if my memory will get better and how long it will take for it to improve. Part of me is curious if my memory will get back to what it used to be; I’ve done 33 treatments and I’m not sure if there are any long-term side effects. Some of my medications, such as Lithium and Tegretol, can also cause memory loss. There is a possibility that some of my memory issues are from the medications, which means it’s possible that my memory won’t return to what it used to be. I guess I just have to wait and see about this issue. I hate waiting.

Problems making decisions is another issue I’m dealing with at this time. This is known to be a difficulty with depression. The only problem is that I still have the same issue when I’m manic or even hypomanic. The problem isn’t going away. I have difficulty making small and large decisions. Sometimes I can’t even figure out what to eat when I’m in my own house. My husband will ask if I want to go do something, like go bowling. I don’t know what I want to do, so I just tell him that I’ll do whatever he wants to do. I think that’s frustrating for him, at least I imagine it would be frustrating. Sometimes, he will ask me if I want something. For example, he will ask if I want ice cream. I respond to him by saying that I don’t need any. Then he tells me that he didn’t ask if I needed any, he asked if I want any. I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t know what I want. I wish this was less difficult to deal with, maybe one day it will get easier.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 10

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 10

Today, I feel the best that I have felt since I started taking this new medication. Last night I took 100mg again and my Seroquel is also down to 100mg. I woke up in the middle of the night, but only because the dog started barking continuously at some random loud noise, but he was doing his job. So I decided to sleep out on the couch in case it happened again, that way I could calm him down quicker. Other than waking up because of his barking, I slept through the night from about 2:00am until 8:00am. Every day, my sleep is improving. I was pretty unsteady on my feet in the middle of the night and when I first woke up, but that went away within 30 minutes of waking up. The pressure in my chest and throat has almost disappeared. My temperature is still doing well at 98.1. I haven’t been experiencing any other side effects today.

I am ecstatic that I’m doing so well. The first time I tried Clozapine last year, I had such a difficult time with it. My biggest issues were dizziness and sedation. I’m doing really well with those issues. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really think that it might work this time.