I don’t quite understand why the days go by so quickly, but the weeks and months seem to drag on and on. I keep trying to get everything done on my daily to do lists. I keep trying, even though I’m not always successful. Blogging is one of my daily tasks that I don’t seem able to complete, but at least I’m doing it today.
I feel like I’m doing a lot better since I started the IV Ketamine. I do the treatments every other week at this point. I’m actually interested in doing all sorts of activities and I enjoy myself when doing them. I feel better about myself in general and my negative thoughts have decreased a large amount. I hope it keeps going this way, improving bit by bit.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!
I have been through many depressive episodes as well as several manic episodes. When I was 24, I first started going through a major manic episode, then a huge depressive episode; I had absolutely no control over either. My job was trying to help me through it. They let me work from home for a while, but my symptoms just kept getting worse. I went on short-term disability, then long-term disability, and then finally on social security disability. I ended up moving across the country to go live with my mom because I couldn’t take care of myself.
After I made it through a pretty big depressive episode when I was approximately 25, I got another tattoo to remind me of what I went through. The tattoo is on my left hip and the drawing is actually based off of me (I was skinnier then). I stayed with my mom for approximately 2½ years. I moved back to Arizona in 2011 when I started dating the guy who is now my husband. We were best friends for years before we started dating. He always said we would end up together, and I always told him he was wrong. I had to admit that I was wrong and he was right. Most of the time, my husband or my mom notices when I’m beginning to go through another episode, and when I’m beginning to make noticeable changes and come out of an episode. They recognize my symptoms and do what they can to help. Every episode and all of my symptoms appear slightly differently every time.
My depressive symptoms generally include some mixture of a lack of energy, over-sleeping, overeating, feeling worthless, and physical pain. These are only some of the most common symptoms that I can think of. There are many more symptoms that I can’t think of at this moment. My manic symptoms are often more easy to see. They include no sleeping, excessive energy, easily distracted, racing thoughts, and more. I make sure that the people close to me know what my symptoms are and what normal is like for me so they can help me catch my episodes early. We don’t have to go through our episodes alone.
I’m feeling better about taking care of my husband. Just a day or two ago, I was all stressed out and worried about not knowing what’s wrong with my husband and about being the one to take care of him. I was worried that I couldn’t take care of him well enough. However, with the help of some of my followers and my family, I now know that I can take care of. My job is not to diagnose him or fix him. My job is to love him, take care of him, and make sure he complies with doctor’s orders. It may not be an easy task, but it is something I can do. I want to thank everyone that helped me to feel better about this situation, I couldn’t have done this without you.
On another story, last night, we had Achilles sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, and it went very well. He didn’t make one noise, he slept soundly. We are going to continue having him sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, for a while, until he gets more comfortable in our home. I’m afraid that if we have him sleep in our room, outside of his crate, we’ll trip over him when we get up. He definitely has separation anxiety.
I think I’ve been doing a little better the past couple of days, since we got Achilles. I have reasons to get up and do things. I have to make sure that Achilles is fed, has water, goes outside, and gets exercise by going on walks. Since Cash passed away, I haven’t felt like I had a reason to get up, but now I do. Some of the walks I go on are with Achilles and my husband, but sometimes I go just me and Achilles. Going on walks alone (although I’m with my large dog) is a lot of progress for me. Just having Achilles at my side makes me feel safer. Hopefully things will continue to improve and I’ll feel better over time.
I had another ECT treatment this morning. I was happy to tell my psychiatrist that I had gone to a couple meetings and that I even spoke at two of them. I had to take Valium to do so, but that’s still a lot better than I’ve been doing. Progress not perfection. He was happy to hear that I’ve been doing a little better. Because I’ve been doing ECT twice a week for 7 weeks, and because I’ve shown some progress, I’m now able to switch to doing ECT treatments once a week (on Wednesdays).
I’m extremely happy that I’m making progress. Hopefully, I will continue to improve while I only do weekly treatments. And at some point, I’ll switch to one treatment every other week, and maybe even once every three weeks. Since I didn’t do very well with a once a month treatment last time, I probably won’t try it this time.
Cash is doing better now. We brought him to the vet yesterday and had one of the techs show us how to properly bandage him. It really made a huge difference. I’ve been pretty stressed out over everything that has been happening with Cash. I’ve had him since he was 6 months old and now he’s 11 years old. I worry a lot. But I can tell that he’s finally feeling a little better because he picked up and chewed on his bone/toy for a bit. This is the first time he’s done that since his surgery last Thursday.
I got a lot of stuff done today including a therapy appointment, blood work, and grocery shopping. My husband stayed home with the dog while I was out. I don’t want to leave the dog alone, just in case he starts bleeding again. We went to play cards at my mother-in-law’s house yesterday and we brought Cash with us because we didn’t want to leave him at home by himself. I’m really glad we brought him because he bled through his bandages twice in just a few hours. Things are finally starting to look up.
Last night I slept better than I have slept in months. I only got up once and I went back to sleep just under 30 minutes. Normally, I wake up once or twice, and I’m awake for anywhere between 1 and 3 hours. Sometimes, I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep at all. I’m happy that I was able to finally get the rest that need. Hopefully I can sleep like that again tonight.
I even remember the dream I had, which is very unusual for me. I remember handing out with an ex of mine. We met at school and then suddenly there were multiple tornadoes all over the place. The ex and I took cover and were safe. Just when we thought it was over, more tornadoes came. I don’t really believe that dreams mean something in our lives. I just find that dream interesting. The tornadoes were so real and scary.
I made a list of the things that I need to talk to my psychiatrist about at my appointment with him next week.
- Racing thoughts
- Stomach problems
- Suicidal ideations
- I’m no longer sleeping all day long
- Greatly increased anxiety, causing breathing issues
- My feet hurt in the morning, not sure if it’s a side effect
- Twitching is happening more often and in more than just my hands
- Having a harder time getting tasks done, possibly a lack of motivation
I know I’m forgetting some things, but this is a descent start to making a list. I know that if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to bring it up in the appointment. Most of these have easy solutions, so I’m not too worried at the moment.