My mind wanders all the time; it’s like a circus wheel. It keeps going over and over again without any rest. Normally, all of my thinking results in a lot of talking, but not so much lately. I still have a million thoughts in my head, but I can’t seem to put those thoughts into words. I also struggle to put my thoughts into written words for my blog. I even go into therapy sessions and I have nothing to talk about. I have no clue what is going on with my mind, this is not normal for me.
My inability to put thoughts into words started around the same time that my anxiety attacks increased. All of it began approximately about a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t realize either of these issues were happening until this past week. Maybe they’re connected, maybe not. My mind is still running all the time, it’s just running in all different directions instead of running one way like a circus wheel.
I’ve had a hard time getting things done this past week. My regular tasks seem to be more difficult that normal. Even just keeping my house organized is hard. I can’t figure out how to clean things up or where to put them. I let things slide for one day, and then it just piles up to the point where I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.
A couple of days ago I was worried that I was on a downward spiral, but today I’m pretty sure that is not true. I think I’m still stuck, emotionless. Hopefully, that will be changing soon. I took my last dose of Mirapex today. I will check in with my psychiatrist next week after being off the Mirapex completely for one week.
I had a medication change about 5 days ago because I was feeling numb, flat, and empty. My psychiatrist said that he has seen this happen to people who reach a therapeutic level of Clozapine that are also taking Mirapex. We decided together to taper off the Mirapex. I will take my last dose of Mirapex on Wednesday, I’m currently taking half the dose.
I feel worse than I did a week ago. I’m hoping that this is just me adjusting to the medication change. I really hope that it’s not the beginning of another downward spiral. I took a nap this evening because I just couldn’t stand being awake anymore. When I woke up, I was hoping that at least a couple hours had passed, but instead, it had only been about 30 minutes. What a disappointment. It’s getting harder each day to fake being okay.
Today just sucks. I feel like crap, both emotionally and physically. People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I have the same response as always, “I’m hanging in.” It’s not a lie, but it doesn’t exactly reveal anything. What I don’t like is when people ask me why I’m feeling crappy. I think that’s a stupid question. Sometimes I just feel something without any reason. That’s a huge part of bipolar disorder.
My husband and I were invited to go out with friends to a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. I’m really nervous about it. I want to go, but I also feel pressured to go. Maybe if we drive separately, it would make me more comfortable. I wouldn’t be stuck somewhere without a way to escape if I have a panic attack. I hope I can get myself to go tonight. It would probably be good for me.
I’m lost in this depression. I feel nothing but difficulties; if it’s even possible. The air is heavy; life seems like a burden. When will this depression end? I want to feel happy again. I want to feel something good. I want to have energy again. Apparently, I want a lot of things. I’ll just hang on and wait for one of these things to happen.
Not knowing how you feel can be exhausting. For me, I spend chunks of time trying to figure out how I’m feeling, just to end up realizing that I’m depressed, lonely, or confused. I don’t have much to say anymore, to my friends, family, therapist, or even to myself. I don’t have much to write about. How am I supposed to respond to people when they ask me how I’m doing? I feel like I’m lost inside of myself. I usually have way too many emotions to deal with at one time, or no emotions at all that I can recognize. I can’t find a happy medium. It would be nice if I could come close to an emotional balance, but I have no clue how to even begin that course of action.
I’m not exactly sure why, but for some reason I feel as if I’m just going through the motions. Nothing that I do seems to matter like it used to. I don’t care about things the way I did before. No matter what I’m doing, it seems that the only thing I look forward to is finishing whatever task or event is at hand. I wonder if there will be a time when positive things start to happen again in my life. Will I ever care about things like I used to?
I’m feeling lost today. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I’m just drifting right now. I feel like nothing, if that’s possible. I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself today. I’ve even been having a difficult time writing my to-do list. There’s a few things I know I need to get done, but I can’t concentrate long enough to do much of anything.
Nothing feels right. I can’t laugh. I’m unable to react to certain things. What is wrong with me? I know this is all a part of the depression, but it’s strange when it feels like nothing. I don’t know what to do with myself. I wonder if there is something I should be doing, something that could make all of this go away.
But how do you make nothing disappear? I guess you don’t make it disappear. Instead, you cover it up. I will call my grandma later and ask her some questions regarding our project. Maybe doing that will fill in some of my emotions.