Don’t Let Others Define You

It doesn’t take much for me to start feeling frustrated, upset, angry, and hurt. In fact, it happens pretty easily. Whatever the situation is, I do my best to talk myself through the frustration; I often end up pretending that everything is okay. I fake it until I make it. While this may not always be the healthiest way to manage emotions, it is fairly effective. However, there are sometimes that pretending everything is okay doesn’t work. I’ve tried over and over and, but still nothing has helped.

For example, a woman I’m very close with stopped reaching out to me. This is within her character; she is not a person that reaches out to just about anyone. At least I knew it wasn’t just me that she was ignoring. Our relationship had been strained, but was finally starting to improve, yet now that she was ignoring me again, everything started to become difficult again. I had reached out to her multiple times. I called a couple of times and left a voicemail, I sent text messages, and I also sent e-mails. Still, I heard nothing in return. I was frustrated, but mostly, I was hurt. I didn’t understand why everything was okay between us one day and then it wasn’t the next.

For a little while, I decided that I was going to stop reaching out to her. What’s the point of reaching out when you always get turned down or ignored? However, someone told me something that made me look at the situation in a completely different light. This person told me not to let other people define who I am or what I do. If I want to be someone who reaches out to friends and family, then I should continue to do that no matter what response I get. This made so much sense to me. I still want to have a relationship, so I should continue to reach out; maybe one day this person will reach out back to me. I should not change the things that I do and think of as important because of the actions of another person.

Family is the most important thing to me. So I need to keep reaching out to this person so that they know how much I care. If I stopped reaching out, then I couldn’t say that family is the most important thing to me. I am defined by many things such as my likes, dislikes, actions, and words to name a few. If I were to change how I act, then I would be changing who I am, and that’s not right. Also, if I ever want someone to reach out to me, then I need to reach out to them. It’s a two way street, and I’ve decided to keep my side of the street moving. The funniest part of it all is that once I made the decision to keep reaching out to this person, she responded to a text message. I’m glad I kept reaching out, because currently, the results are going pretty well.

Visiting Family

There are some people, that no matter how many times you explain it to them, or how many times they see you have an anxiety attack, they will never understand. I don’t think really ask for too much. All I want is to know what is going on. My first 2 visits today went wonderfully. I had a fantastic time visiting with people as planned. My third visit was a bit more difficult. Despite the difficulties, I’m still glad I got to see everyone I was hoping to see. I’m also very grateful that I took a Valium before going to third visit of the day. If I hadn’t taken anything, I probably would have had an anxiety or panic attack at their house because of the surprises I encountered.

I ended up going over to a family member’s house to visit with my nieces and nephew. I was finally told what time to come over a couple of hours before the actual visit (I had only been trying to make the plans for 2 weeks). I drive up to their house, knock on the door, and my nephew lets me in. I’m ecstatic to see him, he’s grown so much. I step into the kitchen and see 2 people who I don’t know at all. Apparently, my brother-in-law planned on having his mother and sister come over for dinner, but no one told me about this. He knows that I struggle with new people. All I wanted would have been to be informed of who would be there. Also, those other people, who turned out to be extremely nice, get to see the kids pretty often. I get to see the kids approximately 2 hours every 6 months. So I also had to share my time with the kids with these other individuals.

The visit was still nice, but it was far from what I expected. Visits always change when you add in other people. I need to change my expectations. Sadly, I can’t and often don’t expect much from others. I generally think I’m going to be let down. Next time, I’m going to do my best not to expect a visit, personal alone time with the kids, or even a response to my text messages. I’m not going to change how I feel about anyone. I love my family and would do anything for them; however, I need to protect myself. By lowering my expectations or having none at all, I’m simply guarding myself from being let down or disappointed. I will still try to see everyone; I’m just going to try my best not to have ideas in my head of how the visits are going to go.

The lessons I learned here are to keep my hopes and expectations to a minimum or not have them at all if possible. It’s another reminder for me to love my family no matter what. Also, it makes me extremely grateful for my relationship with my mother. Everything between us is so simple and loving; I’m so appreciative of everything her and I have.

Busy Day, Fun Day

It’s going to be a busy day today. However, all the things I’m doing are things I want to do. I get to visit with several people, and I’m visiting everyone separately. It’s best like that, so I can actually catch up with everyone and we can all spend time together. One-on-one time is always the best.

I’m having breakfast with a guy who was my dad’s best friend. I’ve always called him dad, it’s a long story, but he is a very important man in my life and he has been as long as I can remember. Then I get to see my aunt. I get to spend all afternoon with her. It will be nice to talk to her in person instead of just over the phone. We have such meaningful conversations over the phone. The best part about her is that it’s easy for me to be with her. We have an open and honest relationship. Then I’m going go visit my nieces and nephew. Honestly, I’m hoping that last one works out, but I’m not sure if it will. I’ve been stressing over that one. I like to have everything planned, but making plans with my sister or brother-in-law have been impossible. Maybe I’ll just show up there, I don’t know anymore.

Even though that last visit could be stressful, everybody I’m seeing today, I want to see. All of it is my choice; I only see these people twice a year at most, so I’ve been looking forward to these visits, which are long overdue.

I Completed My WRAP Plan

I finally completed my Wellness Recovery Action Plan today; even though I started it over a month ago. I did complete most of it on my own, but I brought it to Connecticut with me so I could get some input from my mom. She was my caregiver for many years, and often still is, which gives her a different perspective than I have. She had some really great insights and ideas that I added to my plan.

My WRAP consists of a wellness toolbox, daily maintenance lists, what I’m like when I’m well, identifying my triggers, what to do if my triggers arise, a list of my early warning signs, symptoms that mean I’m getting worse, what to do when I’m declining, questions to ask myself, my crisis plan, who I give permission to make decisions for me, meds I refuse to take, what hospital to take me to, what to do if someone feels I’m in danger, and many more things. There is also a whole other section to be completed during or after a crisis, called post crisis planning.

The wellness toolbox is just a list of tools that I’ve found to be helpful for me. Some examples I listed are to listen to the song Jennifer’s Rabbit (my mom used to sing it to me when I was a child), cook, play the piano, or look through old photos. I also had to come up with a description of what I’m like when I’m feeling well. Some examples are that I sleep well, I don’t ignore my duties, and I’m willing to try things with the help of others. I also had to make a list of things I need to do for myself every day, weekly, monthly, and periodically. Examples range from taking medication daily, cleaning the house weekly, seeing my doctors monthly, and visiting family every 3 months.

I identified triggers that made my symptoms worse such as being in crowds, feeling judged, and a lack of sleep. I have a list of what to do when these triggers occur, like stand with my back to the wall in a crowd, tell my doctors when my sleep is off, and walk away when feeling judged. A list of helpful activities includes blogging, playing Sudoku, and taking the dog for a walk.

It also has a list for early warning signs which include increased negativity, increased foul language, and uncontrollable emotions. Things I need to do when I see these early warning signs are call my doctors, use my wellness tools, and take my medications. Other lists are about symptoms I have when I’m breaking down or getting worse. Some of my examples are extreme paranoia, hallucinations increase, and not making sense when I talk. A few of the things than might help at this point are to keep track of all symptoms, contact my doctor, and make sure the problems are not due to side effects. I also need to ask myself questions such as, ‘Am I rational and reasonable? Do my meds need adjusting? Do I need to consider hospitalization?’

There is also a crisis plan that goes over many of the same aspects; however, it also has a section for who should take over. I was able to make it clear that if I cannot take care of myself properly, then my husband, mother, and psychiatrist are allowed to make decisions for me. My one stipulation is that my husband and mother must agree on the treatments. I can also list who I don’t want involved in my treatment. Personally, I wrote that only my husband, mother, and psychiatrist have permission; no other family member or friend can make any decisions for me. WRAP also has a section on medications. I wrote in my current meds, dosages, and reason for taking them. I also wrote in what meds I refuse to take, and what meds I’m open to taking. I also said that I’m only open to other treatments that my husband and mother choose after doing thorough research. I wrote in which psych hospital I want to go to, and which one to never send me to.

The WRAP crisis plan is very thorough. I hope that I never have to use it, but it’s nice to have it, signed by my husband and mother, so I know that I will receive the treatment I want and need. Not only does it provide comfort to me because I know that my wishes are clearly stated and understood, but it also makes it easier for my husband and mother if and when they need to take over making decisions for me. I know that being a caregiver is an extremely difficult job; by completing my WRAP, I am attempting to make their lives easier.

I highly recommend that everyone who is diagnosed with a mental health illness take the time and complete a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Hopefully you would never need to use it, but it’s nice to know it’s there just in case.

I Pushed Myself and I’m Grateful

I pushed myself today, much further than I normally do. I took a Valium before I left with my mom, but the event was more than I expected. A friend of the family was putting on a fundraising party and we wanted to go and support it. We got there, and the parking lot was full. My heart started to beat out of my chest. We sat in the car for a little bit while I got the courage to go in. It only took about 5 minutes, and we went inside. I looked around and people were everywhere, both upstairs and downstairs. I stayed close to my mom, she makes me feel safe. I saw a couple of family friends that I wanted to see. We stayed about 30 minutes. I’m surprised I made it that long. People kept bumping into me and others were looking at me. I was terrified inside, and then my mom put her arm around me. I felt safe again. I was ready to go; I hate crowds and did not want to be there anymore. My mom knew by my body language that I was ready to leave, so she helped me make it out the door.

I was also worried that I was going to run into someone I grew up with, someone who I used to get high with. It really doesn’t matter, but I’m always afraid to run into some of these people. It’s really just a trigger, seeing people from my past. I have enough triggers already; I don’t need to add in people from my past. Luckily, I went to the event, stayed for 30 minutes, and left without running into a single person that I used to get high with. There were lots of people I know, but they were family friends, so that was okay.

We got to the car and my mom told me how well I did and how proud she was that I pushed myself to do that. I was still a little freaked out, but after a little while I was able to get myself to calm down. At that point, I was happy and grateful that I went to this event. I did it to show the person running in how much I care about her. Friends and family are important, and it is vital that we show them how much we care. I did the best that I could tonight. Everything was terrifying and felt awkward, but I did it. It was such a huge accomplishment for me. It’s okay to say no to some things, but it’s also okay to say yes. Today, I said yes, and I’m happy I did.

The Liebster Award

Decoding Bipolar nominated me for the Liebster Award. Thank you so much, I’m honored that you thought of me. I love reading your posts; you have so much passion in your writings.

The 2016 Liebster Award is an award that bloggers give to other bloggers; it exists only online. The Liebster Award began in 2011. The award supports the blogging community and brings bloggers together.

The updated rules for the 2016 award are as follows:

Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.
Display the award on your blog.
Write a 150-300 word post about your favorite blog that is not your own. Explain why you like the blog and provide links.
Provide 10 random facts about yourself.
Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that have less than 200 followers for the award.
List the rules in your post.
Inform your nominees that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them.
Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

I found the official updated rules at The Official Rules of the Liebster Award 2016.

10 Random Facts about Me:

I got sober at 19 years old and have been sober since then. I have 12 years of sobriety and very proud of my sobriety.
I love learning. School was always fairly easy for me. However, it takes me a while to read because I tend to see a couple of letters and make up the rest of the word, and it’s usually wrong.
I’m so hard on myself that I can’t even be proud of my 3.94 GPA that I earned for my bachelor’s degree, during a bipolar and PTSD breakdown.
I’m extremely gullible. I pretty much believe anything I’m told. My husband likes to have fun with that.
I played the piano (along with many other instruments). I miss playing and want to spend more time practicing.
Family is the most important thing to me. Nothing comes above family.
I married my best friend, who is 11 years older than me. I have 2 step-kids that are all grown and now I even have a granddaughter!
I have a 10-year-old dog that is very well-trained. He is an 88 pound pit bull, dalmatian, english pointer mutt. His name is Cash, after Johnny Cash.
I’m very organized, sometimes obsessively. Everything in my house is organized by color, shape, size, as well as alphabetically. The hangers in my closet are all 1 finger space apart.
I grew up in a small country town in Connecticut with only 3,284 people. I often miss the small country town.

My favorite blog:

My favorite blog is called Story of My Life, it is written by a military man who deals with PTSD, depression, and attempted suicide. Dave, the author of the blog, displays honesty in his writings in a way that makes me feel as if I’m having a private conversation with him. I can relate so much to his struggles with PTSD. Even though the reason for our PTSD diagnoses are very different, I still feel as though I can relate to what he writes about his experiences and ideas. I think that is the best part about his blog, it makes me feel. He writes in a way that connects to my mind and my heart. It makes me feel more comfortable knowing that there is someone else out there that understands how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. A writer that can convey emotions to his or her readers is an extremely talented individual. If feels as if he writes the way he would speak, which also provides a level of comfort to the readers. Dave is also very open about his life experiences. I respect his blog and him as an individual. His honesty and openness have helped me to feel more comfortable in my own writing. He has made a huge difference in my own blog because of these characteristics.

I nominate the following bloggers for the 2016 Liebster Award:

Story of My Life
Bipolar is NOT who I am
My Bipolar Life
Sisterhood of Silence
Life-Long Bipolar
Closer to the Middle
Tony Vega dot Net
Wallflower or Butterfly.

The questions I was asked and my answers are:

Is there a negative experience in your life actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise? If so, what and why?
I was an active drug addict and alcoholic, using any drug I could find. Around the time of my father’s death, I started smoking crack. This took me downhill very quickly. I wasn’t even at the hospital with my dad when he died because I was out getting high with my fiancé Chris. A couple of months later, Chris was killed. Everything in my life was falling apart. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. One day, I came home to my mom and said, ‘I hate my life, I want to go back into the hospital’. My mom told me that the hospital won’t change my life, but she had been looking at other places that could help. That’s when I agreed to go into a year-long residential drug rehab program. I honestly believe that I’m sober and alive today because I went to that rehab. My experiences while using and getting sober have made me who I am today.
What is the one thing about yourself you want the world to know?
I work hard at everything I do including every job I do and every relationship I have. I also follow through on all medical advice and requirements including appointments, medications, research, and tasks. I do my best to stay open to new ideas, even when they scare me.
Underneath what you do, your diagnoses, and all of the clutter of life, who are you as a person? How do you see yourself?
Underneath everything, I am a family member. I belong to two families, the family I grew up with and the family I inherited from my husband. I see myself as someone who is always there for their family and would go above and beyond to be there for them. I am a loving, caring, and considerate family member.
Has your diagnosis (diagnoses) affected your life in a positive or negative way (or both)? Why? If you are the loved one of a person suffering from mental illness, how has their diagnosis affected your life in a positive or negative way (or both)?
My diagnoses have affected my life negatively because I have withdrawn from all of my friends during depressive episodes. I have been unable to work for the past 7 years. I’m also terrified to do new things, which makes life very difficult. My diagnoses have affected my life positively because I made some strong connections with people through mental health support groups who have supported me through good and difficult times. My diagnoses have allowed me to relate to others, become more considerate of the needs of others, and help other people even when I don’t realize it.
If you could live a life free of mental illness, would you? Why? If you are the loved one of a person suffering from mental illness, how would it affect your life if your loved one answered yes or no?
Yes, if I could, I would live a life free of mental illness. I still would have gotten sober and met my husband. Without mental illness, I would not be on disability and I would be able to work, which I truly miss.
What is your favorite non-physical thing about yourself? Why?
My favorite non-physical thing about myself is that I love others fiercely. I take great pride in all my loved ones and I do my best to make sure they know how much I care about them. I’m also an excellent gift giver, and I love giving gifts to other people.
What is your deepest fear? Why?
I have a lot of fears, but my biggest fear is losing a family member, especially my mom. My mom is my best friend and I rely on her for so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. Even thinking about it now is terrifying.
What is one thing you cannot live without?
I don’t think I could live without pictures. I spend a lot of time looking at all of my photographs. I’m very nostalgic, plus, pictures also help me remember things that I have forgotten due to medication and treatments.
What’s your favorite place and why?
There is a single tree in a field a couple of towns over from my mom’s house in Connecticut. This tree is absolutely beautiful and helps me relax. It also brings back some wonderful family memories.
You are given a time machine. You can go back and change one thing from your past. Would you do it? Why or why not? If yes, what would you do differently? Be sure to think of the potential effects it could have on any future events.
I would like to think that I would go back and somehow save my dad from dying, but I don’t know if that would even be possible. However, if I did, then that would change so many things. Even though my life has been pretty tough, I still believe that I’m very lucky. I have a husband that loves me, a mom who is my best friend, and I’m 12 years sober. Despite the fact that I struggle daily with bipolar and PTSD, I’m lucky to have these things in my life. I miss my dad every moment of every day, but it would worry me to change the past because of the effects it could have on the future.
If you could have any career and there were no obstacles to this, what would it be?
If there were no obstacles and I could have any career, I would be a pharmacist. My grandfather and father were both pharmacists, and my aunt is still a pharmacist. When I was a child, I grew up always dreaming that I would follow in my family’s footsteps. I saw my grandfather, father, and aunt make a huge difference in many people’s lives, and I always dreamed of being like them and doing the same thing when I grew up.

The questions for my nominees are:

What have you found to be the most surprising or unexpected benefit of blogging and why?
What positive character trait do you have that you wish you could share with others?
What is the newest activity or most recent learning experience you have had in your life?
What aspect of your life would you most like to bring into balance? Why?
What form(s) of art are you most attracted to or moved by?
If you could travel anywhere in the world without worry, where would you go? Why?
What is your favorite saying or quote?
What individual inspires you the most and why?
Describe a situation where you reached out to someone and it helped you feel good.
What brings you the most joy?
What decision or action has had the most impact on helping you through a bipolar or mental health episode?

Allowing Others To Help You Is A Gift You Give Them

I always thought that asking for help was a sign of weakness or dependency. I felt that I was always better off doing everything on my own for many reasons. I don’t like letting other people know that I can’t handle everything. It seems as if my flaws are already extremely obvious to everyone; I never saw the purpose in pointing out my shortcomings and vulnerabilities. Plus, when I talk to others about my weaknesses, it means I’m admitting to myself that they’re real. I would rather pretend that everything is okay for as long as possible instead of admit that my issues are real, even though this usually makes my problems worse. Asking others for help requires a lot of trust. I never trusted anyone else to do a better job than I could do; if I couldn’t fix the issue or come up with a solution, then I doubted that someone else could.

I also felt that by not asking others for help, I was being kind to them; who really wanted to spend their time helping me? However, since I didn’t ask others for help, I never allowed people the ability to feel useful. I know that when I am able to help others, it makes me feel good about myself. I finally feel as if I’m important and worth something, which does not come easy for me. Who am I to say others would not feel the same way when helping me? I don’t have to push or force others into helping me, but it is important to give them the opportunity to be there for me and help me through situations.

We become vulnerable by asking others for assistance. I’m usually worried what people will think of me if I tell them what’s really going on. I think that if people knew what was happening in my mind, they would have me locked up. Suicidal ideations, thoughts of cutting, hallucinations, and paranoia; that’s who I really am. Instead, I fake things pretty well; I’m actually fairly talented at pretending everything is okay. However, when I do that, nothing gets better. There’s a saying, ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’. If I want something to change, then I need to do something about it. Asking for help is doing something; it is taking that step toward change. If I allow myself to be vulnerable and ask someone for help, it could be the beginning of change and a deeper relationship.

A Great Day

I did well today; better than I thought I would do. I got some things done around the house to help out. In the afternoon, I went to see my grandma and I had a great visit. Her health is declining and I tend to worry. We had several conversations; I love the fact that I can be open with her about my bipolar disorder and PTSD. There were several things she didn’t understand at first, but she listened to me explain various aspects of the disorders. She even repeated things back to me in her own words showing that she did grasp the concepts. I was able to explain to her how my moods can change suddenly; sometimes I am unable to laugh, sometimes all I can do is cry, and sometimes I feel nothing at all. She even tried to understand how my thoughts can take over my mind; how for the past many months, I have had suicidal ideations in the back of my mind. She asked how my ECT treatments are going and how I’m managing my medications. Even though she may not remember all of these things, she still cared enough to listen to my explanations and try to understand the disorders. Bipolar disorder and PTSD were not things that were considered ‘real’ when she was growing up. The fact that she can see them as real and care about my mental health means so much to me.

Then I was able to spend the evening with my mom. We went to dinner and a movie; we saw a chick flick, Mother’s Day. It was a good movie; not great, but not horrible. The best part of it all is that I got to spend time with my mom. I can talk to her about anything, and I’m not exaggerating. The two of us are happy doing anything, as long as we are together. Tomorrow, we are going to the Science Center to see a Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I can’t wait to see it; the exhibit brings to life 40 of his inventions. I’m excited to have the opportunity to spend time with my mom; it’s a blessing that I’m extremely grateful for.

The best part of the day is that I didn’t take any Valium. There were probably a couple of times that it would have been beneficial, but I pushed through and did okay. I only want to take that medication when I absolutely need it. If I take it too often, then I build up a tolerance to it, and it doesn’t work as well. Today, I was able to get through my day without any Valium at all. That is a big deal for me. I’ve had other days that I didn’t take any, but I usually didn’t leave the house on those days. Today, I was out and about quite a bit, and I was able to manage it on my own.

Routines: A Plan Of Action

Maintaining routines is extremely helpful to me; it is a great way to help manage bipolar disorder. Routines require ideas, plans, and action; these things keep us active and help us to feel good when we accomplish our daily tasks. I know I should follow my routine more strictly by keeping to a regular sleep schedule and eating on a regular schedule, but those things are very difficult for me to regulate.

The routine that I do keep may not be as structured as it should be, but it works for me. First of all, I go to the same stores that I always go to when I run errands, even if they are further away or more expensive. I do that because I’m comfortable going to stores I know. I like to write in the mornings and evenings. I take the dog for a walk late at night; he has a reflective harness for our safety. I also try to run errands during the day before the stores get busy. Then I can do household chores later in the day. Every night, I write a to-do list for the following day. As I complete my tasks the next day, I cross them off my list. My to-do lists allow me to create a plan for the next day that I can take action on and complete.

I try to keep my routine flexible so that it’s easier when I have major changes. It’s more like a plan or structure instead of a strict routine. I’m not good with change, most of us aren’t. When I keep a very strict routine, I have a hard time when it comes to seeing family and friends. My flexible routine allows me to manage my life while still being able to get together with others, even at the last minute. I know it would be beneficial if I went to bed at the same time every night and ate at the same time every day. These are things that I can work on. Everybody is different, and everyone has different needs.

Right now, I’m visiting my family, so my routines are all messed up. I have lots of things I want to get done, so I made a to-do list as always. Hopefully, that will help me keep some structure in my life while I’m away. I’ve been trying to plan things such as visits with people, but it hasn’t been working very well. Some things have to be left up to chance.

I Arrived!

I finally made it to my destination, and the stress of the trip was completely worth it. Some of the things I fear when traveling occurred, the rest of my fears were just thoughts that never took place. When standing in line to get on and off the planes, I made sure to wear my backpack to keep some distance between me and the person behind me. This worked a couple of times, but the other times I could feel the people behind me pushing up against my backpack. I was lucky to have polite people sitting next to me on the plane. However, the people behind me on the 4 hour flight were loud, obnoxious, and most likely drunk. I took medication as necessary; I did my best to time it all well.

I won’t take more than two pills of Valium in a day, that’s what my prescription is for, but I wanted to make sure that they would be effective when I needed them. I left my home at 9:20am and I arrived at my destination at 10:40pm. There’s no way that my Valium would be effective all day long. I had to choose when to take them so they would be most effective and helpful. I think I did a pretty good job today. It was all worth it when I got to hug my mom; she was waiting for me at baggage claim. Then we had over an hour drive back to her house to chat and share stories. We stayed up even later talking, probably because it’s so easy for us to talk to each other. I’m very blessed to be here with my mom and the rest of my family. I can’t wait to see everyone else starting tomorrow. I better start making a list of everything I need/want to do. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean I should stop making to-do lists; they really help me stay organized and focused.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: May 2016