Please check out my two most recent article on The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) blog. The first article, How It All Began, talks about how I first found out about my bipolar disorder and everything that comes along with that. My second article, Know Your Triggers, discusses the importance of knowing your triggers. Please check them out.
You can find my posts on the IBPF website here.
Pretending to be positive about things is more exhausting than I thought it was. It works, but it is extremely tiring. I am planning on going back to the support group I tried out last week. I need to go there regularly in order to get used to it. Once I get used to this group, I really think that there’s a good chance of it being helpful in multiple ways. There’s another group that’s not too far from my house that I’ve thought about going to on Tuesday nights.I think I’m going to try one new and scary thing at a time. It is nice to know that there are others out there just like me who are willing to be there for each other.
I also had a hard time getting my 2 week prescription of Clozapine. I’ll know later today if and when I can pick up the prescription. I’m not very happy with Walgreens right now.
Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.
There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.
I’ve made it another day with the juicing. I even found one juice recipe that I can drink without wanting to choke afterwards. It’s made mostly of pineapple, apple, and spinach. It helps that I get to eat fruits and vegetables. I got to snack on green grapes today, which was extremely satisfying. Luckily, I’m not hungry very often. The juice is very filling; the large amount of water I drink every day also helps keep me full.
I have talk therapy tomorrow, which is something I need. I just need to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t freak out or become overly concerned when I explain certain aspects of my depression. I know my depression is slowly getting better, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. At this point, it means I’m no longer taking naps during the day, I’m sleeping at night, and I’m willing to leave the house to run errands. I believe I will keep improving, slowly but surely.
I made it through my first day of juicing. I have to admit, it’s not fun. The juices do not taste good. I tried a few different juices. I think the hardest part about drinking the juice is the smell. Now I’m on day 2 of the juicing fast. I’m excited to see how all of this will turn out.
My mind was so focused on the juicing yesterday, that I wasn’t thinking much about how depressed I am. The thoughts of loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and suicidal ideations were not on my mind nearly as much as they usually are. It was nice to have some relief from all of those horrible thoughts. I hope that this type of thinking continues as the juicing continues.
So my husband and I started juicing today. We’ve been planning this for a while now. We both want to get healthy and lose weight. My first ‘juice’ today consisted of green apples, oranges, and spinach. It wasn’t horrible, but it definitely wasn’t good. I had to chug it to get it down. I’m also supposed to drink a lot of water, somewhere around 6 or 8 bottles of water a day. The water will help keep me full.
I went shopping yesterday to get all of the ingredients needed for juicing. I got spinach, romaine lettuce, oranges, apples, pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, lemons, carrots, bananas, strawberries, kale, and grapes. I don’t normally eat fruits and vegetables, and when I do eat them, it’s in very small amounts. I think this will be very good for my physical health. I also hope the weight loss will help with the depression.
My husband and I went to the Coyotes game last night (for those of you who don’t know, it is pro hockey) and we had a great time. We won in overtime! It was a lot more crowded than it normally is; the arena was sold out. Trying to walk anywhere was almost impossible; you just had to push your way through the massive crowds. I had to take more Valium for my anxiety, which I didn’t want to do, so I decided to take half of a pill. It worked perfectly. Plus, my husband either held my hand or had is arm around me the entire time to help me stay calm. He’s so great about doing that. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the game without him.
My face was painted with the Coyotes symbol at the state fair yesterday, and it stayed perfectly all day for the game. The next game won’t be as crowded. Last nights game was the busiest of the year because it was the home opener. I can’t wait for the next game we go to, which is in a couple of weeks on November 1st.
I went to the Arizona State Fair early this afternoon for a couple of hours. It did cause a lot of anxiety because there were so many people there, but taking Valium and being with my husband helped me a lot. We walked through some of the shopping areas, we had some fry bread, we went on a couple of rides, and we even got our faces painted (for the game tonight). It was difficult because people were walking all over the place. No one was paying attention to where they were walking or what they were doing. But my husband held my hand through it all.
I did my best to have a good time at the State Fair despite my fears and anxiety. It probably helped that we only stayed there for about 2 hours. When it felt like I had enough, I listened to myself, and we called it a day at the fair. Now, I have a couple of hours to rest before we go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener.
I have a busy and nerve-wracking day planned for today. In the early afternoon, I’m going with my husband to the Arizona State Fair. I’ve lived here for over a decade and have never been to the state fair. I’m from a small town with only 3,500 people. I’ve never seen a fair as big as I’m about to see. I’m nervous, so of course I’m going to need some Valium to help me get through this. My husband knows not to leave my side and to either walk behind me or keep his arm around me so I don’t feel like someone can creep up behind me. My husband makes me feel safe. The fair will be difficult, but I can do it.
Later tonight, I’m extremely excited to go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener. We’re big hockey fans. My husband and I got good seats. Normally, we get cheap seats that are still pretty good, but for some reason, we decided to upgrade to great seats with an amazing view. I’m happy about the seats, but I’m also nervous because I’ve never been to that part of the arena. New things scare me. I hope it goes well. My husband will help me get through it and enjoy it.
Last night, I went to a new support group. My panic attack first hit at 4pm (the meeting was at 5:30pm). I took a Valium and that helped a bit. When it got to the time that I had to leave to go to the meeting, my nerves shot up again. I started texting with a friend who was supportive and encouraging. I entered the room where the meeting was to take place, and I started pacing back and forth. My friend helped keep me calm again.
I sat down at the table and I was happy to see that this was a small meeting of only 6 people. I prefer smaller meetings because each person has more time to share. Plus, large groups increase my anxiety. My leg was shaking the whole time under the table. There was nothing I could do to stop it; it’s something I do when I get anxious. I shared for a couple of minutes at one point during the meeting. I made it through the entire meeting despite my anxiety. I have no reason not to go back again next week. I can only assume that I will become more comfortable with the group over time.
My Side of the Pole 