Month: November 2016

Juicing Difficulties

Juicing Difficulties

I’m having a hard time staying on my Juicing diet. I just keep slipping up, but I don’t give in. I just wish it was easier, or I wish there was no other food in my house that I wanted to eat. I really want to follow the juicing plan, but I’m extremely stressed out lately. Since I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs, I go straight to food to make me feel better. Food does not work to make me feel better. I have always had problems with food, once I start eating, I can’t stop. I need to find a healthy way to work through any emotional distress. I wonder what that will be.

My Wonderful Husband

My Wonderful Husband

My husband brought home 3 beautiful roses for me, one for each year of marriage. Our anniversary isn’t until the third, I suppose he’s just getting a head start. As of tomorrow, we will be married 3 years. We were also engaged a little over a year, and we were dating for about a year and a half before that. Before all of that, we were best friends for about 5 years. He always said we would end up together. I insisted that wasn’t so, but now look at us, we’re happily married.

We’ve had a lot of difficult times thrown at us this past year. Between my mental health and my husband’s excruciating back pain, it’s been more than hard, but we made it through together, we support each other. I am hoping for some easier times in the future.

Another Coyotes Hockey Game

Another Coyotes Hockey Game

I went to another Coyotes game last night with my husband. We actually left early. He was in so much pain and we forgot to bring him medicine. I told him it wouldn’t be smart to stay and suffer through the next two periods. Also, I was having problems with claustrophobia. The person sitting next to me was so close, it felt like he was rubbing up against me. I took some Valium, but that was only keeping me from jumping off the ledge, it wasn’t helping me feel better like it normally does.

Normally, my husband wouldn’t leave anything early. I’m glad I convinced him that it was the best solution. We listed to the rest of the game on the radio and it was fantastic. It was a nice evening we had together.

My Wandering Mind

My Wandering Mind

My mind wanders all the time; it’s like a circus wheel. It keeps going over and over again without any rest. Normally, all of my thinking results in a lot of talking, but not so much lately. I still have a million thoughts in my head, but I can’t seem to put those thoughts into words. I also struggle to put my thoughts into written words for my blog. I even go into therapy sessions and I have nothing to talk about. I have no clue what is going on with my mind, this is not normal for me.

My inability to put thoughts into words started around the same time that my anxiety attacks increased. All of it began approximately about a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t realize either of these issues were happening until this past week. Maybe they’re connected, maybe not. My mind is still running all the time, it’s just running in all different directions instead of running one way like a circus wheel.

Managing My Self-Esteem

Managing My Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is hard to maintain, whether you have any mental health disorders or not. I can’t say how it is for those that don’t, but for me, a woman with bipolar 1 and PTSD, it is really hard to keep up my self-esteem. I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong or even slightly incorrect. On top of the every day reasons for my low self-esteem, I even blame myself for my mental health disorders.

Self-esteem is described as respect and confidence in your own abilities. I don’t feel as if I have any good abilities, never mind having any confidence in them. I tell myself to think more of myself and to believe in myself, but it’s easier said than done. I know my family would say something different. It’s easier to see things in other people than it is to see things in yourself.

I’m such a perfectionist, so when I don’t do something perfect, I get down on myself. For example, when I graduated college, I had a 3.94 GPA. All I could think, and still think, is that it’s not a 4.0. I should have had a 4.0. I know that these emotions are unreasonable, but most emotions with bipolar disorder are unreasonable.

I do the best that I can, I have positive influences in my life, and I am appreciative for others (such as my friends and family), but it still doesn’t help me to feel better about myself. I need to find an emotional purpose.

Bullying

Bullying

When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me.  I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

I did more than I thought I would do last night. My plans were just to go to my mother-in-law’s house and see the kids in their costumes. However, I saw them in their costumes and then walked around a couple of blocks with them as they went trick-or-treating. It was so adorable to see the kids enjoying themselves. Once there got to be more people and more lights, I decided that I had enough. I said my goodbyes to everyone and walked back to my car.

On my drive home, I drove by the church that the kids were headed to, and it was packed. There were probably about 500-800 people there. I’m very happy that I left when I did. I was already having anxiety before seeing that large group of people, and I had already taken Valium.

It’s important for me to go outside my comfort zone and try new and/or different things, especially when they are family events. Lately, I’m having to take Valium to do most things out of the house, whether they’re family or not. I think that when I make commitments, they should be small ones. Then, if I’m feeling up to it, I can do more than I agreed to do, but if I’m not feeling okay, I can just do the small part I committed to and be comfortable when I’m ready to leave.