My therapy session went okay yesterday. We talked about what I’m going to do about the weight gain from the Clozapine. I want to go off the medication, but I’m afraid that if I do it will cause some horrible episode. I need to think about both my physical and mental health. The decision is impossible. I wanted my therapist to tell me what to do, but I know he can’t do that. I want someone (that I trust) to tell me what to do. I’m leaning towards going off the medication after the new year. I’m even willing to try IV Ketamine in order to get off Clozapine. I would do almost anything to get off this medication.
The weight gain is causing me to feel bad about myself. I’m crying off and on and I have no desire to leave the house. I would rather stay home alone where no one has to see me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I hate my life. I’m too overwhelmed with everything.
I’m missing my family right now. There are so many traditions that my family have that I will not be able to be a part of because I live in Arizona. I have my own traditions here with my husband’s family, but nothing will take place of the traditions I grew up with. I do have a good time with his family, but I will always miss what I grew up with. At least I got to participate in some of our traditions when I went home a few weeks ago. We put up our tree, put up some lights, and set up the Snowbabies. I enjoyed all of those things; it’s better than doing nothing.
I’ve decided that I’m going to make the most of my Christmas in Arizona. I love my husband’s family; I think of them as my own family. The best part is that I get to spend time with my granddaughter.
“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” – Evelyn Mary Dunbar
We spend our lives discovering who we are. Sometimes it can be difficult, but it’s important to remember that it’s a blessing and an adventure.
“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow.” – Jerry Spinelli
Make every moment count, every one of them matter just as much as the rest.
I was at the movies with my husband yesterday when his aunt called twice in a row. Thinking it was an emergency, he stepped outside to answer the phone. It turns out that our cousins were in town for one day and they were having a get-together. However, it seems that we were the only two that weren’t told the day and time of the gathering. Our aunt was calling to see if we were going to come to the party; she said that everyone else already arrived. My husband and I discussed it and decided that it was best to go over there to see everyone, especially the ones that are in town for only a day (we really like them and rarely get to visit).
We left the theater after seeing only the first 20 minutes of the movie. We arrived and realized that even our step-kids were there. It doesn’t matter that we weren’t informed about the party. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets to inform everyone. I looked around and realized that there were 21 people at this gathering. I found a spot where my back was to the wall and I started visiting with family. For the most part, it went pretty well. I even got some time to play with my granddaughter; she is growing up so quickly.
We only stayed about 2 hours. I wanted to leave sooner, but my husband was engaged in conversation with family that he doesn’t see as often as he wants. So I found another seat where I was comfortable and waited for him to be done talking to people. I made it through my time there and even had some good (maybe even great) conversations with people. I wished we knew about the party earlier, so I could prepare myself for it, but it worked out no matter what.
Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.
I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.
My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.
“Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.” – Brian Dyson
Hold on; never give up before you are sure the moment is over. Get as much as you can out of everything.
I’m still upset today about my doctor appointment yesterday. I’m feeling frustrated, shameful, disappointed (in myself), and pathetic. I think that the reason it bothers me so much is because it’s true. I know I’ve gained weight and I’m really struggling to lose it. The weight gain started when I went on Clozapine. I keep thinking about going off of it, but I have a feeling that my psychiatrist won’t like that choice. I don’t think I like that choice. I’m upset with my doctor because of how she talked to me, not what she talked to me about. And now I’m beating myself up about all of it. I wish I could just lose the weight, much easier said than done.
“Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.” – Winston Churchill
Right now, I’m avoiding a couple of situations because they are so difficult for me. But once I face them, if I face them, then they will become opportunities (or situations) won.
I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.