I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all are able to be with and/or talk to your loved ones on this special day. I leave at 2:30pm to go to our cousin’s house, where there will be a lot of people. I’ll let you know how I do when I get home. I have several coping mechanisms that I can use if my anxiety gets to be too much. I’m going in with a positive attitude.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
My husband went to 4 different grocery stores looking for my missing ingredient. I can’t believe how thoughtful he is. He knows that I struggle at the grocery store when it is busy, and it will be incredibly busy today. I can’t think of anyone else that would do that for me. I’m so lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful husband. He wasn’t able to find the ingredient, but it’s the thought that counts.
I decided to try a different ingredient so I could still make the chocolate mousse. I’m not so sure it worked out alright, but I tried. I won’t know until tomorrow if it worked or not.
Yesterday, I offered to make my chocolate mousse and bring it to Thanksgiving. Then I went to the grocery store and couldn’t find all of the ingredients. I need two packages of Ladyfingers, but they only had one. The manager even checked in the back, but he couldn’t find any. That means that I have to go to the grocery store again today, on one of the busiest days of the year. I’m really nervous about that. I know I don’t have to make the dessert, they have plenty of food, but I want to, it’s really delicious. I’m going to go to the store soon, hopefully it won’t be too horribly busy. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I got to see my granddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours. My step-daughter, her boyfriend, their daughter (my granddaughter), my husband, and myself all got together at my mother-in-laws house for dinner. We had a great time, but for some reason I have a hard time interacting with my granddaughter around a group of people. I’ve never had a child, so I don’t really know what to do or how to connect with any baby, even my own grandchild. I guess I just freeze. I’m getting better at connecting with her, but it’s not easy. I suppose I just feel out of place. Plus, it just reminds me that I don’t and will never have kids of my own, which makes me want to cry every time that thought goes through my mind. I think I’ll get better at interacting with my grandchild over time, at least I hope so.
My days seem to be getting busier. Once I get moving, I don’t stop until about 2 hours before bed. I honestly feel like I have too much going on; I’m going to burn out soon. I think this is why I’m having anxiety attacks every day; it may not be the whole reason, but it’s definitely one of the reasons.
I’m trying to prepare myself for Thanksgiving, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to be walking into. There will be so many people there that I don’t know, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that. I will know about 10 or 15 of the people there, the rest will be strangers to me. I can offer to help out in the kitchen, which can help reduce my anxiety, as long as there aren’t too many people in the kitchen already.
Valium will also help. Lately, I wish I could take Valium all day, every day. I won’t; I know it’s not safe, especially for me. I just need to get through the next couple weeks. I have to get through Thanksgiving, the family reunion, packing and traveling to Connecticut, a party in Connecticut, a friend’s party after I get back home, and then of course there is Christmas and New Years. After writing all of this out, it feels like there’s more to stress out about than I can handle.
I heard some bad news yesterday. My dad’s old business partner died. Since I found out, I’ve been a little off, a bit sad. It feels like losing another part of my dad. It brought back memories of my father, which made me smile and cry. I hadn’t talked to this guy in at least ten years, probably more like 15 years, but he was a memorable and wonderful part of my childhood. This news is racing through my mind. It feels odd to be this upset about the death of a guy I haven’t seen in over a decade.
Yesterday was such a busy day, I didn’t get home until around 11pm. We got a lot done. My husband and I both got haircuts; it had been over a year since I got my hair cut. I kept putting it off out of fear. I was afraid to have someone standing behind me with scissors, and I couldn’t remember anywhere I had previously cut my hair. After that, we dealt with some car insurance stuff that had to get done. My husband had his tires rotated. We went shopping for some warmer clothes to wear while we are back east. We visited with my mother-in-law for a little while. We spent a couple of hours getting new phones. And finally, we spent some time at a friend’s house. Overall, it was a busy day, and I’m exhausted.
It was nice to get so much done, but it would have been easier if we spread it out a little more. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my therapist, then a chest x-ray. Then I get to see my granddaughter at my mother-in-law’s house. I can’t wait to see her. I will only be staying a couple of hours. I need some time for me, some time to rest.
The last couple of times I had expectations for something, I ended up being upset. I’m sick of that happening, so I decided to change my way of thinking. Now, I always prefer to have low or no expectations and be pleasantly surprised than have high expectations and be disappointed. It may not be the normal way to do things, but it works for me. I don’t expect things to go badly, I just try to go into things having no expectations for things at all, good or bad.
I have been taking anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, and mood stabilizers since I was 14 years old. I’ve dealt with plenty of side effects; nausea, weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, muscle tremors, drooling, increased thirst, slurred speech, and much more. These are all short-term side effects. They are side effects that last as long as you are on the medication.
Most of these side-effects stop when you stop taking the pills, but there are also long-term side effects. I don’t know much about them, but I do know that it happens. One example is Tardive Dyskinesia, a nervous system condition that causes involuntary movements, is caused by long-term use of psychiatric drugs. I’ve started thinking about the long-term side effects recently because I realized I have been on psych meds for 17 years and it worries me. It worries me to be on any medication for 17 years because every med has both short and long-term side-effects. I have been thinking about all of this a lot recently.
I tend to forget things. It’s usually trivial stuff. For example, I put detergent in the dishwasher last night, but I forgot to start it. I keep forgetting to pick up my medication at the pharmacy.I forgot to return a DVD to someone. But it’s not just short-term memory that’s a problem. I also forgot a lot about my life in general. The reason I have memories of my wedding is because I watched a video of it (it was a fantastic wedding). I don’t remember my honeymoon. I have very few memories of my teenage years and my twenties. I’m constantly asking my mom to clarify things for me.
Is my forgetfulness from ECT that I stopped in May? I know that used to be the cause, but is it still? My memory has improved, but it’s not what it used to be. Will my memory ever get back to what it used to be? This is why I don’t want to try ECT again, even though my psychiatrist keeps suggesting it. I’m afraid I’ll forget everything.
My Side of the Pole 