I Worked Out!

Yesterday, I said that since I didn’t have much to do, I would possibly do some Zumba and/or clean the house. I didn’t do all of these things, but I did do one of them. I did a Zumba workout video! That was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself. I need to get back into a routine of working out regularly. It felt great when I finished the video, but after it was done, I had no energy left to clean the house (the house was already pretty clean anyway). I also contacted a few family members that I don’t talk to all of the time. It was nice to chat with them. I can’t wait see all of them when I go home at the end of this month.

The Benefits Of Pets

Pets can be extremely beneficial for all individuals, especially for those that suffer from mental health disorders. For me, my dog, Cash, helps me get up and moving. Even when I don’t want to do anything, I know I have to get up to feed Cash and let him outside. It also helps me because it gives me a reason to go out for a walk.

Cash also helps reduce my anxiety and paranoia. When I hear noises, such as a knock on the door or kids yelling outside, I know that it’s not real if my dog doesn’t react to the noises. I have auditory hallucinations quite often, and Cash helps me determine the difference between what is real and what is a hallucination. I also never feel lonely because Cash is always there to keep me company. I talk to him all throughout the day. He’s one of my closest friends.

I think it’s important for me to have a pet for these reasons and more. I’ve thought about getting an emotional support dog, that way I could have my dog and the support he brings to me everywhere I go. Some people have told me to just get a vest for Cash that says he’s an emotional support animal, but I won’t do that because it’s wrong and lying. Does anyone have a real support animal? How was the process of getting a support animal? Was it expensive?

Adult Coloring Books

Earlier this year, my mom gave me the coolest gift, an adult coloring book. She thought it would help with my anxiety, and she was right. She knows how perfect I like everything to look and she thought that this would be the perfect way for me to do that. Coloring allows me focus on one thing and gives my mind a break. I love it! I haven’t been able to color in a several months due to an injured arm/wrist, but I can do it again.

When I’m coloring, I lose track of time. Nothing else seems to matter. The only thing that I’m thinking of and concentrating on is the coloring. I plan on doing more coloring. It works just as good as Valium. When I’m home and having an anxiety attack, I will color. I will only use Valium when I’m not home and not able to color.

Not Much To Do

I don’t have a lot to do today. My to-do list is very short, just a couple of activities and that’s all. I don’t like having a short to-do list, it makes me feel lazy. Maybe I should clean the house as well. Maybe I could do a Zumba workout. Both of those things sound good to me and would take about 5 hours to complete. It would also make my to-do list a lot longer. When I clean, I write each individual task on my list. It makes me feel more productive.

I could also work on choosing a new Medicare plan, but that is every confusing. I probably need help with that over the phone or in person, which doesn’t work well for Sundays. I will do all the research I can and write down all of my questions so I’m prepared when I talk to someone who can help me.

I Can’t Make Up My Mind

My thoughts are racing. Thoughts go through my mind, in and out, so quickly that none of them are full ideas. My racing thoughts are making it extremely difficult for me to focus on any one important idea. For example, I’m trying to figure out what health insurance would fit me best, but my mind can’t focus on anything, especially things that are that important.

It’s difficult when you can’t make up your mind. My husband asks me questions, simple questions, that I don’t know the answer to. My husband can’t understand why I can’t figure out what I want. Most people can’t understand why I can’t make decisions; even I can’t figure it out. Is it just because my thoughts are racing, is it because I’m over-tired, is it due to my anxiety? If I could figure out why I can’t make decisions, then maybe I could start learning to make up my mind.

Being Disabled

Being on disability is not easy. I’m on it because of my bipolar disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. As most of you know, dealing with the effects of these mental health disorders is difficult and exhausting. I have so many doctor appointments to manage. Going anywhere new is extremely difficult for me. In fact, my husband has to come with me whenever I go somewhere for the first time because I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t do well dealing with new people, specifically physical contact, I think that is from the PTSD. My social life is small because it’s difficult for me to meet and connect with people. I also struggle to keep in contact with the friends I already have because of the depression.

I wish I could contribute more to our financial status, instead I contribute in other ways. I keep myself busy managing my life and my husband’s life. I don’t know if my bipolar disorder will ever be stable again. It hasn’t been stable since 2009. I don’t know what my future holds, but it doesn’t appear to be a mentally stable state.

Addictions

The other day I spoke about Dual Diagnosis. Just because I’m 12 years sober, doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with addiction. I no longer crave drugs or alcohol, but I still have addictions. Generally, anything that I do, I do it to the extreme. That can include cooking, cleaning, and eating. Those things may sound weird, but I still over-do all of them. Also, when times are difficult, those are the things I turn to. I also quit smoking cigarettes a couple of years ago, which was extremely difficult.

When times are tough, everyone turns to something for relief. My problem is that whatever it is that I turn to, over-do. Does anyone want to share the addictions they struggle with? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I feel that talking about my addictions helps me feel better.

All Finished… Now What

I’ve finished everything that was on my to-do list for today. I finished early and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m hungry of course. It’s not because I’m actually hungry, it’s because I don’t have much to do. I still have things that need to get done, it’s just not necessary to do them today. These things involve too much thinking, and I’m not mentally up to all of that.

The better plan is to stretch out, which will help my body feel a little better. Right now, my muscles hurt while I’m sitting still. Maybe I should take the dog for a walk later this evening. I need to start working out again with Zumba, that and walking the dog usually helps me feel better physically.

Communicating with Loved Ones

It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.

It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.

No, Not The Post Office

I have to go to the post office today to mail some paperwork. Normally, I can weigh it at home, put on some stamps, and stick it in our mailbox. However, this package weights about 10 ounces, it’s too heavy for stamps. I really hate the post office. It’s a trigger that causes anxiety attacks. It’s always so busy and crazy. There’s a huge line every time I’ve been there. I’m hoping my husband will go to the post office for me. He’s done it before, maybe he won’t mind doing it again. He knows that it’s a trigger for me.

The post office in the town where I grew up is nothing like the post office in the city here. The longest line I ever stood in at my hometown post office was 2 people. There are a lot of benefits of living in a small town, right now I miss that.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole