Productivity Difficulty

I’m home and I’m trying to get some things done today. I just don’t seem to have the energy or desire. When I was in Connecticut visiting my mom, I could get up and start doing things without a problem; it wasn’t difficult for me. However, now that I’m home, I notice that it seems to take a lot more effort. Why is that? Why is life easier in one place and harder in another? I wish I had the same amount of energy and desire no matter where I am. When I’m home, I rely on my routine, which I’m having a hard time following so far today. I had this same problem with productivity before I left for vacation; I think I have this problem any time I’m home. I almost always get things done, but it’s extremely difficult. I usually feel as if I’m pushing myself close to my breaking point. When I’m away, I do what I want, when I want, but it’s all so much easier to do and I’m much more productive.

Maybe it will just take me a little time to get back in the swing of things, hopefully. It’s possible that I’m just overwhelmed because there’s so much to do. My husband does try to clean up before I come back home. The thought he puts in is enough for me, it shows that he cares. Plus, no one can clean up as well as I can, at least not to my standards. I know my husband tried because the bed was made and there were no dishes in the sink. There are papers all over the place, but it could be a lot worse. I want to be a productive person, I want to get things done without pushing myself beyond my breaking point; however, productivity requires energy and efficiency. Maybe I can just do one thing an hour. I could also spend 20 minutes coloring in my new adult coloring books in-between each task I get done.

I still have to email my doctor, go grocery shopping, unpack, pick up the papers all over the house, pick up my prescriptions, return a gift that doesn’t work, and call a doctor’s office to debate a bill that they billed incorrectly (I think). It’s a lot to do, but it’s all written down on my to-do list. I need to be productive, for myself. I need to feel useful. The more I get done, the better I feel about myself.

The Smiley Thumb Award

Thank you to Tony Vega dot Net for nominating me for the Smiley Thumb Award, which was created by David from the Chape. I like reading your blog and seeing how you grow. It’s always so nice to be recognized by your peers.

What Makes Me Smile:
For some reason, this was a difficult question for me to answer today, but definitely an important one to answer. My family makes me smile, no matter how frustrating it can be sometimes, my family is vital to me. Listening to The Beatles also makes me smile because it reminds me of my dad.

My Nominations:
Beauty Beyond Bones and The Itinerary.

The Rules:
1. Show your new cool award.
2. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
3. Tell us what makes you smile.
4. Select other blogs you want to give the award to. How many is up to you.
5. Copy and paste the rules.

Happy To Be Home

My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.

That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.

Extra Layover Time

My flight landed 15 minutes early. It went well, no problems. I have 2 hours and 15 minutes until my next flight boards, that’s a long layover. It’s a crowded airport, but I was able to find a seat with my back against a wall. I know I can’t stay here the whole time. I’ll have to get up at some point to get a snack for my next flight. That’s when my heart starts racing again because I’m back in the crowd. I hate crowds. I wish there was a better way to travel alone.

I’m trying to figure out when to take my next Valium. I only get 2 a day, and I can feel the first one wearing off. I don’t want to take the next one too soon because it will wear off when I need it. If I take it too late then it won’t kick in on time. I think I’ll take it in about an hour. That way, it can help me with the boarding process for my next flight, which is the hardest part of it all. I’ll just have to deal with part of the flight, which is over 4 hours long. I have a very hard time being that close to others. I guess I’ll just do the best that I can.

I really just want this day to be over with. I want to sit on the couch with my husband and simply relax (as much as I can relax). It will be soon.

At The Airport: Not As Bad This Time

I checked in for my flight home and got through security in about 15 minutes. The security guy was looking at my license and my tickets for almost a whole minute. I thought it was a sign that I was going to get a pat down or my my things searched. Luckily, none of that hapoened, but my anxiety did increase greatly in the moment.

It’s a smaller airport where I am right now than it is back home. There are so many empty benches where I can sit down and relax without feeling crowded. The only time it gets crowded is when it’s time to board the plane. Everyone acts like children, all wanting to be the first ones to board. I could care less when I board. I just want people to respect my personal space. Again, positive thinking will help with the boarding. I can do this. Yes I can.

I miss my family already, but I can’t wait to see my husband. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Everyone needs alone time, so I’m glad I was able to give that to him. But I’m ready to see him again.

Off To The Airport

Not the airport again. I really hate airports, but I love planes. It’s just the people who I hate. People you don’t even know invade your personal space. I’m always afraid that I’m going to have to get a pat down when going through security. I panic when strangers touch me, sometimes even when people I know touch me. So the thought of a pat down is terrifying. In all of the times I’ve flown, it’s only happened to me twice. Most likely, everything will go smoothly (despite people invading my personal space) and I will have worried for nothing. I can’t help it.

I hate it when people tell me, just relax or calm down. The worst is when people say, there’s no reason to be nervous. Maybe there’s no reason to be nervous for them, but for me, it’s horrifying. I wish there was a better way to travel long distances. I have driven cross-country twice, but it is a 37 hour drive one way. I’m not really up for that. It’s like when people tell you how great you look or how great you’re doing when you’re going through a major depression. I know people are just trying to be polite, but it’s not helping. It generally feels more like someone telling me how I should feel instead of accepting how I actually feel. I don’t know if that was confusing or not. I tried to explain it all including how I feel. Does anyone else have this same issue? Does anyone else feel insulted or discredited when people try to tell you how great you look? All I want is to be accepted as I am. I hope that’s not too much to ask.

All Messed Up Inside

Right now, I feel like a mess inside. Life is chaotic. I’m getting ready to go back home and I’m almost all packed, but I’m not ready to leave. I wish I could take my mom with me. At the same time, I can’t wait to go home and see my husband. He ended up having a radio frequency ablation on his spine today. I’m still waiting to hear how it went. Waiting is not my best quality, it is making me nervous. I wish I had been there to take him and make sure everything was okay. Maybe I’m being a bit overprotective, but I just want to be sure he has everything he needs. Being a caregiver is something I’m good at.

I went to see my grandma once more before I leave. I have a hard time saying no to anyone, so I ended up staying and having dinner with her. Many of the things she says make no sense at all. I did my best to ignore the ridiculous things she said, but they have stayed with me all evening. At least this time I didn’t snap at her, but I’m still mad at myself for feeling the way I do. I get so frustrated and irritated with her. I don’t know why I’m mad at myself because of how I feel, especially since I was nice to her despite the comments she made and questions she asked.

I also received a phone call from an unknown number yesterday. I answered it thinking it was a doctor; I was waiting for a few calls. Turns out, it was my husband’s ex, the mother of his children. I’ve never spoken with her before and I’ve never wanted to. She was extremely nice to me on the phone, overly nice. From what I hear, she is manipulative and holds things over everyone’s head, even her own children. Once I realized it was her, I started to freak out, but I tried to remain calm and polite on the phone. Why was I so polite? It’s just my automatic reaction. She wants all of us to get together for a meal some time. All I could think of was that I would let my husband know. I hope I never have to have another conversation with her. I told my husband about it right away, and he reacted much better than I did. I wish I could go back in time and not answer that phone call. The situation is tearing me up inside. I don’t really know why, the situation is over. I put the phone number to my automatic reject list, that way I don’t accidentally answer a call from her again.

I don’t feel like I can handle my emotions or life right now. I just feel overwhelmed; I feel like I’m drowning. I’m capable of getting things done and I can fake being okay, but the fact is that I’m not really okay. However, I’ve been pretending I’m okay for so long that it’s just become the natural thing to do. Everything is in chaos and I am defenseless.

Getting Ready To Go Home

I leave tomorrow to go back home. I’m both saddened and excited at the same time. I don’t want to leave my mom and other family members; however, I miss my husband, his (my) family, my dog, and my routine. I’m close with my husband’s family, I feel like they are my family, not just my in-laws. I’ll be home tomorrow night. My husband is picking me up from the airport and I can’t wait to see him.

I have lots to do today so I can go back home tomorrow. I’m anxious because I have so much to do and I’m not sure if I can get it all done, but I’ll do my best. I wrote my to-do list last night. Besides writing my blog, I have to email my doctor, wash my hair, do laundry, pack, try to go see my grandma once more, go to the local farmer’s market, and look for secondary health insurance. I also have a few things to help my mom with, while I’m still here. I know it sounds obvious to wash my hair, but it’s such a huge task because it’s so long that I feel it’s worthy of being on my to-do list. I can tie my hair in a knot, like a bun, and it stays up. I’ve been meaning to look at secondary health insurance, it might help to have something in addition to my primary insurance. I figured I would do it while I’m here so my mom can help me figure it out. Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed and can’t figure out how to do even the simplest of things.

I got so many other things done already this past week and was able to visit with so many people. I met with two family friends yesterday and was able to catch up with them. I had a great visit with both of them. My brother and his awesome wife invited me over for dinner last night. I’m honored that they would invite me, and we had a great time. I love how happy they are together.

Now, I just have to get moving so I can get all of these things done on my list. I can’t put off washing my hair, laundry, or packing any longer.

Sunshine Bloggers Award

I would like to thank Wallflower or Butterfly for the Sunshine Bloggers Award nomination. Please check her blog, if you haven’t already.

The Sunshine Bloggers Award Rules:

Thank and link the person who nominated you!
Answer the questions they provided for you to answer!
Nominate 11 (or however many) bloggers to participate in this award!
Give 11 questions for your nominees to answer!

My Answers:

If you had three wishes, what would they be?
1. I would wish to live closer to my family.
2. I would wish for my dad to be alive.
3. I would wish to travel the world.
What’s your favorite and least favorite colors?
My favorite colors are either dark blue or burgundy. My least favorite color is pink. I’ve never been a girly girl.
What meal do you feel you cook the best?
I love to cook. I’m great at cooking just about any casserole. I also like cooking biscuits and gravy.
What’s your favorite cookie?
I love the Fudge Striped Cookies.
Do you prefer the mountains or the beach?
Definitely the mountains, but I still go to the beach every year.
What’s the last book that you read?
Fifty Shades Freed was the last book I read, but it was a while ago. I’m not a big reader.
What is your biggest regret?
Not being with my dad and my family when my dad passed away. I was so close to the hospital, but I chose to get high instead; it was before I got sober. I regret that my dad never saw me get sober.
What are three dreams/goals do you have?
1. To be able to work from home. I’ve been on disability since 2009.
2. I always dream of my husband and I buying our own home.
3. To own a horse again. I miss horses so much.
What are you addicted to?
I’m addicted to just about everything. I’m a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I’m also addicted to food and anything else that I like. I don’t know what moderation means.
What do you do on your day off?
I don’t work, so I don’t have a day off. When my husband has a day off, we usually visit his family members and go to doctor appointments.
What one thing would you change about your life?
I would love to live on a horse farm. Even if I stayed living in the same city I’m in, just being around horses would have a major positive impact on my life.

I Nominate the Following Bloggers:

Bipolar Strength: Rebel WITH A Cause, In Between The Episodes, Too Polar, Minds Like Ours, Bipolar To Happiness, Musings of a Mad Woman, Weathering the Storm, Decoding Bipolar, Blue’s Bipolar Life, and The Manic Years.

My Questions:

1. If you could change one aspect of your life, what would it be?
2. What are you most grateful for in life?
3. Who is your personal hero?
4. What songs have the biggest effect on you? Which song gets you excited, which one makes you smile, and which one tells your story?
5. What type of animal do you connect with the most?
6. How do you want other people to remember you?
7. What is your favorite memory?
8. If you were stranded on a deserted island, who would you want with you?
9. Other than mental health, what has been your biggest challenge?
10. If you could bring one musician back from the dead, who would it be?
11. What is your definition of family?

Bipolar Creativity

It is a well-known fact that individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder are often very creative. Many of us who have bipolar disorder are overloaded with creativity during manic and hypomanic episodes. Usually, in the beginning of these episodes, we tend to sleep less and be more productive and happy. There are many different forms of art including music, writing, artwork (drawing or painting), photography, videography, acting, and many more. Personally, I tend to write more and organize my house when I’m manic or hypomanic. I don’t see anything wrong with embracing your creativity during these episodes; however, it’s still important to follow-up with your doctors and attempt to balance out your life. There is a thin line between being creative and having psychotic episodes; it’s happened to me several times.

I recently received a gift from my mom, who knows how neat and organized I like everything to be. She gave me an adult drawing book and some colored pencils. What a great surprise! One of the coloring books she got me is all postcards; you color in on one side and write your message and address on the other side. I have been using it as an outlet for my frustration and my energy. Today, I finished my first piece of artwork. I had to throw my first one away because I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out. Now, I can go back and forth between writing and drawing. They are both wonderful therapeutic tools for me to use.

You don’t have to be manic or hypomanic to be creative, although it is more common during those episodes. You don’t even have to be bipolar. All I’m saying is that many artists are predisposed to mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder; and many individuals diagnosed as bipolar are predisposed to being some type of artist. There are many famous and successful artists that lived years ago, before people believed in mental illnesses. Some of these famous artists include Leonardo da Vinci had bipolar and dyslexia, Michelangelo had OCD, Isaac Newton had bipolar disorder, Beethoven had bipolar disorder, and so did Vincent van Gogh. There are and have been so many world-wide famous artists that struggled with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. I am inspired by these famous artists that struggled mentally but were very successful in their artwork. We don’t always have to look at our bipolar disorder as a deficit; sometimes there are good things that come out of the disorder, as long as we stay on top of everything and don’t let our episodes get too out of control.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole