Not Much To Do

I don’t have a lot to do today. My to-do list is very short, just a couple of activities and that’s all. I don’t like having a short to-do list, it makes me feel lazy. Maybe I should clean the house as well. Maybe I could do a Zumba workout. Both of those things sound good to me and would take about 5 hours to complete. It would also make my to-do list a lot longer. When I clean, I write each individual task on my list. It makes me feel more productive.

I could also work on choosing a new Medicare plan, but that is every confusing. I probably need help with that over the phone or in person, which doesn’t work well for Sundays. I will do all the research I can and write down all of my questions so I’m prepared when I talk to someone who can help me.

All Finished… Now What

I’ve finished everything that was on my to-do list for today. I finished early and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m hungry of course. It’s not because I’m actually hungry, it’s because I don’t have much to do. I still have things that need to get done, it’s just not necessary to do them today. These things involve too much thinking, and I’m not mentally up to all of that.

The better plan is to stretch out, which will help my body feel a little better. Right now, my muscles hurt while I’m sitting still. Maybe I should take the dog for a walk later this evening. I need to start working out again with Zumba, that and walking the dog usually helps me feel better physically.

Coping with Anxiety

Since I’ve been having an increase in the amount of anxiety attacks I’ve been having, I figured I would write about my coping skills and how I get through each episode. My anxiety toolbox includes:

Cleaning/organizing my house
Count my breathing
Calling/texting an understanding friend/family member
Coloring in an adult coloring book
Listen to comedy that makes you laugh
Listen to calming music, possibly from your childhood
Taking Valium as prescribed
Workout

These techniques are the main tools that I use when I’m having an anxiety attack. I do my best to take care of the anxiety without taking Valium, but I do take it if necessary. Many of the anxiety solutions are just a distraction from the reason for your anxiety attack. These distractions simply give your mind a break so you can calm down. Most of the time, all I need is a moment and a little bit of help to calm down.

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

I did more than I thought I would do last night. My plans were just to go to my mother-in-law’s house and see the kids in their costumes. However, I saw them in their costumes and then walked around a couple of blocks with them as they went trick-or-treating. It was so adorable to see the kids enjoying themselves. Once there got to be more people and more lights, I decided that I had enough. I said my goodbyes to everyone and walked back to my car.

On my drive home, I drove by the church that the kids were headed to, and it was packed. There were probably about 500-800 people there. I’m very happy that I left when I did. I was already having anxiety before seeing that large group of people, and I had already taken Valium.

It’s important for me to go outside my comfort zone and try new and/or different things, especially when they are family events. Lately, I’m having to take Valium to do most things out of the house, whether they’re family or not. I think that when I make commitments, they should be small ones. Then, if I’m feeling up to it, I can do more than I agreed to do, but if I’m not feeling okay, I can just do the small part I committed to and be comfortable when I’m ready to leave.

I Want To Empower Myself

I’ve thought about taking some form of martial arts or self-defense class for the past couple months. I think it may make me feel a little safer in my life. It used to make me feel safe when I studied martial arts 12 years ago. It would also help me get in shape and be healthy. The only problem is that I’m too scared to do it on my own. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll probably think about it for approximately 3 months before doing something. I just want to feel empowered, I want to feel like I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be terrified for my life every time someone knocks on the door. I want to know that I can take my dog for a walk by myself and not feel threatened by others around me. I’m not sure if this will ever happen, but at least I know I’m thinking about it, which is the first step in the process.

Trying To Manage Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.

Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.

Passing Time

I have some spare time since I’m on disability and can’t work, but I keep myself occupied. I make to-do lists at night to help me stay focused for the next day. My to-do list has required activities as well as optional activities. If it’s not on my list, it’s not going to get done. Getting to cross things off of my to-do list makes me feel good. I spend a lot of time going to doctor appointments, maintaining my life, maintaining my husband’s life, taking care of our home, running errands, cooking, and cleaning to name a few things.

When I’m at home, I always have the TV on in the background, whether I’m watching it or not. It helps me to have background noise. For some reason, my mind tends to wander when there’s silence. When I’m not doing something from my to-do list, I often explore various things online, play games, or watch TV. No matter what I’m doing, I try to find a balance between relaxation time and constructive time. I’m still working on it, but I think I’ll find the right combination at some point.

My to-do list from yesterday was small. Sometimes I add to it as the day goes on.

October 26, 2016
Go through my email
Check my blog
Doctor appointment
Grocery Store
Go to the bank
Research medicare options
Cut up melons and pineapple

Isolation

Many people who have bipolar disorder or other mental health disorders tend to struggle with isolation. My husband and family think that I struggle with isolation. Technically, they may be right, but I would rather be by myself than with others. Being social, whether with friends or family, is almost always a challenge. I’m always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I’m fearful of people or things I don’t know. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I prefer isolation because it’s easier for me to handle. I have fewer panic/anxiety attacks when I stay home. I don’t get bored; I tend to keep myself company. I find things to do during the day to keep myself busy. Many people get bored and struggle when they have to stay home by themselves. I know that my family is just trying to help me by getting me out of the house. Just because some people struggle to stay home alone, doesn’t mean I struggle as well. It’s healthy and important get out sometimes, but I also know my own boundaries. For me, sometimes it’s better for me to stay home. I guess I just have to find a happy medium, some sort of balance between isolation and socialization.

Compromise

I decided that I would go to the Halloween party that my husband wants to attend, his boss is the one throwing the party. I can find a corner somewhere and sit down. I would be comfortable doing that because no one could come up behind me, which is my biggest fear. I could also go into the kitchen and offer to help with things. That would make time go by faster.

I told my husband I would be happy to go with him to the party, and I would even get a costume. The funny thing is that he then said he wasn’t sure if he wants to go. The important part is that I became willing to go. I want him to know that I care about the things that are important to him. I’m not sure if we will end up going or not. I think it made my husband happy that I am willing to go. Compromise is important, but not easy.

Coyotes Game

My husband and I went to the Coyotes game last night (for those of you who don’t know, it is pro hockey) and we had a great time. We won in overtime! It was a lot more crowded than it normally is; the arena was sold out. Trying to walk anywhere was almost impossible; you just had to push your way through the massive crowds. I had to take more Valium for my anxiety, which I didn’t want to do, so I decided to take half of a pill. It worked perfectly. Plus, my husband either held my hand or had is arm around me the entire time to help me stay calm. He’s so great about doing that. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the game without him.

My face was painted with the Coyotes symbol at the state fair yesterday, and it stayed perfectly all day for the game. The next game won’t be as crowded. Last nights game was the busiest of the year because it was the home opener. I can’t wait for the next game we go to, which is in a couple of weeks on November 1st.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Activities