Category: Exhaustion

Feeling Tired and Useless

Feeling Tired and Useless

I still feel messed up today; as if something isn’t right. I’m dealing with physical pain and being emotional distraught. Normally, when I wake up, words flow from my fingertips. Today, when I woke up, I felt empty. I have felt empty since I woke up from my last ECT treatment; it happens after every treatment, but this one is lasting much longer. This past ECT was the hardest that I’ve ever done. My husband told me that I say that every time. I told him that every time it gets harder. I have been doing this for more than a year. I can’t keep this up. I can’t continue. I’ve said that so many times; however, I think I’m serious about it this time. The memory loss, emptiness, confusion, and the chaos are too much for me anymore. I’m tired and I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself.

I don’t have much to do today, but I’m still wondering if I can get it done. The only thing I must do is get my blood work done at 2pm today. Hopefully I don’t run into that rude phlebotomist. I also want to clean the house today. It has been on my to-do list for a while now, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s the ECT that’s holding me back from getting things done. I’m so tired; I feel useless. I hope that will change today.

Productivity Difficulty

Productivity Difficulty

I’m home and I’m trying to get some things done today. I just don’t seem to have the energy or desire. When I was in Connecticut visiting my mom, I could get up and start doing things without a problem; it wasn’t difficult for me. However, now that I’m home, I notice that it seems to take a lot more effort. Why is that? Why is life easier in one place and harder in another? I wish I had the same amount of energy and desire no matter where I am. When I’m home, I rely on my routine, which I’m having a hard time following so far today. I had this same problem with productivity before I left for vacation; I think I have this problem any time I’m home. I almost always get things done, but it’s extremely difficult. I usually feel as if I’m pushing myself close to my breaking point. When I’m away, I do what I want, when I want, but it’s all so much easier to do and I’m much more productive.

Maybe it will just take me a little time to get back in the swing of things, hopefully. It’s possible that I’m just overwhelmed because there’s so much to do. My husband does try to clean up before I come back home. The thought he puts in is enough for me, it shows that he cares. Plus, no one can clean up as well as I can, at least not to my standards. I know my husband tried because the bed was made and there were no dishes in the sink. There are papers all over the place, but it could be a lot worse. I want to be a productive person, I want to get things done without pushing myself beyond my breaking point; however, productivity requires energy and efficiency. Maybe I can just do one thing an hour. I could also spend 20 minutes coloring in my new adult coloring books in-between each task I get done.

I still have to email my doctor, go grocery shopping, unpack, pick up the papers all over the house, pick up my prescriptions, return a gift that doesn’t work, and call a doctor’s office to debate a bill that they billed incorrectly (I think). It’s a lot to do, but it’s all written down on my to-do list. I need to be productive, for myself. I need to feel useful. The more I get done, the better I feel about myself.

Happy To Be Home

Happy To Be Home

My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.

That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.

Fatigue, Low Energy, and Weight Gain

Fatigue, Low Energy, and Weight Gain

The Clozapine that I started almost three weeks ago has been causing some problems for me. Most of the side effects went away; however, I’m still dealing with fatigue and low energy. The fatigue has greatly improved, but it is still there. During the first couple weeks of this medication, I could fall asleep in the middle of doing something. For example, I fell asleep while I was eating dinner once. Luckily, I only dropped my fork and not my bowl. But for the first couple weeks I was nervous to drive. I was afraid that I would fall asleep while driving, so I took some precautions such as bringing my dog in the car with me, calling someone on speakerphone, rolling down the window, or playing music that I can sing to. Some of these methods were thankfully effective.

I’m no longer dealing with that same intense fatigue that I had before. I’m still tired, but I don’t feel as if I have no control over whether or not I stay awake. I’m just tired; it’s been hard to get moving. I’m trying so hard to get today’s to-do list done, but I have such low energy that I’m not sure if I can get off the couch and even get dressed. I don’t even have many things to get done today, and I’m still having a hard time doing everything. I think the reason my psychiatrist had me increase my Clozapine dosage from 100 mg to 125 mg was because the fatigue and low energy side effect finally started to decrease. I’m so happy that things didn’t really change with the dosage increase. My fatigue and low energy hasn’t changed. I wish it would go away, but at least it’s getting better rather than getting worse.

One other problem I’m having recently is weight gain. I’m not sure if this is a side effect from the Clozapine or what else it could be from. The weight gain started before I got on the Clozapine, but I was gaining weight slowly at that point. Now, I seem to be gaining weight much quicker. I know one factor is because of my fatigue and low energy. I barely have the energy to get up, of course I don’t have the energy to workout like I was doing before. I really need to push myself harder. Maybe I will start with taking the dog on a walk tonight. I know for me, the more I do physically, the more energy I end up having. Sitting on the couch doing nothing makes my fatigue/energy and weight gain issues worse. Hopefully, I can create a new cycle that involves energy and weight loss.

Monthly ECT

Monthly ECT

At 8:15am I had my 32nd ECT treatment (I miscounted before). I now do the treatments every 4 weeks; they’re maintenance treatments. They’re done under general anesthesia; the treatments only take a couple of minutes. I usually leave the hospital within 90 minutes of getting there. Normally, I get home and go to sleep for a little while. When I first started the treatments, I could go back to sleep for a couple of hours, but the amount of time I’m able to rest afterwards has been decreasing with every treatment. Today, I got home from my treatment and was unable to go back to sleep at all for the first time.

I’m not a fan of the recovery and after effects. My jaw hurts so bad that it hurts to chew anything and my entire body is muscle sore. It feels as if I just ran a marathon, or two days after a massive workout, when you have to brace yourself for every movement you make. My memory gets even worse than normal after the treatments; the memory issues last longer than the physical ones. The memory issues make me feel like an idiot. I’m constantly asking questions, and I usually ask the same questions over and over again.

I’ve been doing these treatments for so long now, I wonder if I will ever be able to stop them. My psychiatrist wants me to be stable for 6 months before stopping, and I just don’t see that happening. I could just tell him I want to try stopping the treatments, but then what happens if I end up in a huge depressive or manic episode? Then I would have to go back to doing the treatments 3 times a week. I don’t want to do that, and I’m not sure if my body can even handle that. I wonder what the long-term effects are of ECT; maybe that’s something I should look into.

 

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 14

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 14

I’m still on the 100mg dose. My psychiatrist says that he’s keeping me at that dose because of the energy and fatigue that I’ve been experiencing. He doesn’t want to increase my dose until I can do some regular activities without having to nap for a couple hours afterwards. I’m very grateful that he’s not pushing the dosage increase. I’m supposed to start keeping track of this symptom using a number scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is none and 10 is the worst. This will be difficult to do, but I’ll try.

Today I woke up again with no side effects, and I even slept through the night. I won’t know how my energy and fatigue is until later in the day. I will rate yesterday’s energy and fatigue as a 5. It’s better than most days, but I’m still falling asleep if I sit down and rest for even a couple minutes.

I think I’m going to stop posting about my Clozapine rechallenge every day because it seems to be the same thing each day. If there are changes I will definitely post them, but I’m finally at 2 weeks, so I think I can cut back on these posts.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 13

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 13

I’m almost at the 2 week mark, which is where it all fell apart for me last time. However, this time, I’m doing so much better. I woke up this morning with no side effects; I’m feeling better and better every day. It’s amazing that I feel okay. No muscle soreness, no chest or throat pressure, no dizziness, no unsteadiness, and no fever. I am gaining weight, which can be a side effect of Clozapine. However, I was already gaining weight before I started it, so I don’t think that the weight gain has anything to do with the medication. I did get tired yesterday after running a couple errands and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes total.

I stayed at 100mg again last night. I’m waiting for my blood work results to come in so I can get my next prescription. My psychiatrist wants me to have my blood pressure and pulse taken the next time I’m at the pharmacy. I will do my best to remember that when I’m there.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 12

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 12

My dose stayed at 100mg again last night. My sleep keeps improving. Last night, I fell asleep easily and slept about 6 hours without waking up. When I woke up, I was tired, but had no other symptoms. I guess my body is getting used to the medication.

Yesterday, after taking a showing and getting dressed, I had to rest for couple hours before running errands. I seem to get tired very easily. After resting, I ran some simple errands. I came home from that and ended up crashing on the couch. I napped for about two hours; however, I could only sleep 5 or 10 minutes at a time. It appears that I get exhausted very easily after any physical exertion.