I had an ECT treatment just a few hours ago. The treatment went well. I got home and rested on the couch. I keep falling asleep and waking up. It’s somewhat annoying. I don’t mind that I’m falling asleep, I just wish I could stay asleep and actually get some rest. Sometimes, after ECT, I fall asleep for hours, and some other times I can’t fall asleep at all. Today, I’m only getting about 30 minutes of rest at a time, and my body needs more than that. In fact, I’ve fallen asleep about 3 or 4 times while writing this. At this point, I’m going to go lay down and try to get some more rest. Hopefully, if I get some rest, I’ll be able to stay awake and watch a movie.
Today my depression is extremely bad. Moving at all, even just to get up and go to the bathroom, is more than difficult. My body hurts, my mind is sad, and I don’t believe that anything can help me, at least not today. I’m still waiting for ECT to call me to schedule my first session back with them. Waiting is so hard. ECT feels like my last hope, and it’s hard to have hope and wait at the same time. Hopefully, today will go by a little quicker than it has been.
I’ve been so busy for the past six days taking care of and worrying about my dog. Now that he’s improving, I no longer have to worry so much. He doesn’t require my full attention all of the time, and that allows the depression to get worse. My husband asked what I’m depressed about and I tried to explain that there’s no reason, it’s just a part of the bipolar disorder that I have. He didn’t quite explain, but he tries and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.
Life is starting to get back to normal, now that Cash is starting to feel better. I’m exhausted from all of my extra anxiety and worrying over the last few days. I’m trying to do a few things that I’ve been putting off for a while. The biggest thing is gathering all of my information for taxes. Tax time is pretty overwhelming, especially since I know I’m going to owe money this year. I’m trying to gather my tax documents a little bit at a time in order to reduce the stress.
Yesterday was my appointment with my psychiatrist. It went really well. I brought a list of everything I wanted to talk to him about, so I wouldn’t forget anything. It was very helpful. He listened to everything I said as well as all of my requests.
I am now off Deplin, because I don’t feel that it has helped at all. He increased my Cogentin at night for the dystonia, just like I asked. He also said I could get off of the Inositol since it wasn’t working either.
I talked to him about the twitches I’m having in my hands that cause me to drop things. He said there was a name for it, but the only solution would be to go off some other meds, such as Lithium and Tegretol. I don’t want to do that at this time. I told him about the extreme nausea that’s been happening this past week, but we both agreed that it’s most likely from Elmiron, which I take for my bladder disorder. The Clozapine is causing the drowsiness during the day.
He is also going to check my thyroid level, Lithium level, Tegretol level, blood sugar level, and cholesterol. I’m very pleased with this appointment.
When I got home, I took a nap that lasted about 6 hours. I don’t know why that happened, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I feel better so far today.
The past few days, I’ve been having a very hard time getting my day started. My muscles and joints feel like they’re too tired to move. This starts from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. I have no clue how to fix this. I did decide that I would try taking a day off of working out, which means no Zumba or gym workout today. I’ve spent a good amount of time today stretching my muscles, hoping that it would help, but there’s been no change so far.
I am so tired today that I actually took a nap for about 45 minutes. I slept fine last night, but for some reason, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. So far, today has not been at all productive. After I finish writing this, I am going to start cleaning my house. A clean house always makes me feel better; maybe it will help me.
I usually write when I wake up in the morning, but I haven’t had it in me to do that. I think I need to push myself to stick to my routine. When I wake up I should feed the dog, check my email, write about what’s on my mind, and then start any tasks written on my to-do list. I will try that again starting tomorrow.
Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.
I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.
Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.
I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.
As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.