Category: Stress

Getting Stuff Done

Getting Stuff Done

I got a lot done today. It feels like the first day in a while that I’ve been this productive. I cleaned the whole house and ran some errands. I still want to cook dinner, but I don’t know if I have it in me to do it. It feels like for every one task I get done, there are three more to add to my list and complete. Life is way too stressful right now. Maybe it’s just because of the holidays, maybe it’s just a phase, who knows anymore. I’m doing the best I can to get through each day. I would say that I did a pretty good job today. I hope to keep it up for tomorrow.

Family Gatherings

Family Gatherings

Not only is Thanksgiving just around the corner, but we’re also having a family reunion next Sunday with my father-in-law’s side of the family. My husband is helping me prepare for Thanksgiving. I now know whose house it will be at and when we have to be there. I also know that there are going to be some people I don’t know, but I will just stick by the people that I know.

There are also going to be a lot of people at the family reunion that I haven’t met. I’m nervous about it, but also excited. I’ve heard stories about these people, but never met most of them. As long as I have my husband by my side, I should be okay. The Valium will also help. It’s a lot to deal with in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll be able to manage.

Then shortly after that, my husband and I fly to Connecticut to spend a week with my family. I’m not anxious or worried about being with my family. Actually, I’m excited to spend time with family. The only thing I worry about is the traveling; I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

Juicing Difficulties

Juicing Difficulties

I’m having a hard time staying on my Juicing diet. I just keep slipping up, but I don’t give in. I just wish it was easier, or I wish there was no other food in my house that I wanted to eat. I really want to follow the juicing plan, but I’m extremely stressed out lately. Since I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs, I go straight to food to make me feel better. Food does not work to make me feel better. I have always had problems with food, once I start eating, I can’t stop. I need to find a healthy way to work through any emotional distress. I wonder what that will be.

Managing My Self-Esteem

Managing My Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is hard to maintain, whether you have any mental health disorders or not. I can’t say how it is for those that don’t, but for me, a woman with bipolar 1 and PTSD, it is really hard to keep up my self-esteem. I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong or even slightly incorrect. On top of the every day reasons for my low self-esteem, I even blame myself for my mental health disorders.

Self-esteem is described as respect and confidence in your own abilities. I don’t feel as if I have any good abilities, never mind having any confidence in them. I tell myself to think more of myself and to believe in myself, but it’s easier said than done. I know my family would say something different. It’s easier to see things in other people than it is to see things in yourself.

I’m such a perfectionist, so when I don’t do something perfect, I get down on myself. For example, when I graduated college, I had a 3.94 GPA. All I could think, and still think, is that it’s not a 4.0. I should have had a 4.0. I know that these emotions are unreasonable, but most emotions with bipolar disorder are unreasonable.

I do the best that I can, I have positive influences in my life, and I am appreciative for others (such as my friends and family), but it still doesn’t help me to feel better about myself. I need to find an emotional purpose.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

I did more than I thought I would do last night. My plans were just to go to my mother-in-law’s house and see the kids in their costumes. However, I saw them in their costumes and then walked around a couple of blocks with them as they went trick-or-treating. It was so adorable to see the kids enjoying themselves. Once there got to be more people and more lights, I decided that I had enough. I said my goodbyes to everyone and walked back to my car.

On my drive home, I drove by the church that the kids were headed to, and it was packed. There were probably about 500-800 people there. I’m very happy that I left when I did. I was already having anxiety before seeing that large group of people, and I had already taken Valium.

It’s important for me to go outside my comfort zone and try new and/or different things, especially when they are family events. Lately, I’m having to take Valium to do most things out of the house, whether they’re family or not. I think that when I make commitments, they should be small ones. Then, if I’m feeling up to it, I can do more than I agreed to do, but if I’m not feeling okay, I can just do the small part I committed to and be comfortable when I’m ready to leave.

Compromise

Compromise

I decided that I would go to the Halloween party that my husband wants to attend, his boss is the one throwing the party. I can find a corner somewhere and sit down. I would be comfortable doing that because no one could come up behind me, which is my biggest fear. I could also go into the kitchen and offer to help with things. That would make time go by faster.

I told my husband I would be happy to go with him to the party, and I would even get a costume. The funny thing is that he then said he wasn’t sure if he wants to go. The important part is that I became willing to go. I want him to know that I care about the things that are important to him. I’m not sure if we will end up going or not. I think it made my husband happy that I am willing to go. Compromise is important, but not easy.

The State Fair

The State Fair

I went to the Arizona State Fair early this afternoon for a couple of hours. It did cause a lot of anxiety because there were so many people there, but taking Valium and being with my husband helped me a lot. We walked through some of the shopping areas, we had some fry bread, we went on a couple of rides, and we even got our faces painted (for the game tonight). It was difficult because people were walking all over the place. No one was paying attention to where they were walking or what they were doing. But my husband held my hand through it all.

I did my best to have a good time at the State Fair despite my fears and anxiety. It probably helped that we only stayed there for about 2 hours. When it felt like I had enough, I listened to myself, and we called it a day at the fair. Now, I have a couple of hours to rest before we go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener.

Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Do you ever feel stuck? As if no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing will end up working out in your favor? That’s how I feel right now. There are too many things going on in life and I’m having a hard time processing them all. I’m emotionally numb; uncomfortably numb (not because of drugs, because of my mental health).

I’m weighed down with life in general. I feel like a failure; like I keep doing the wrong thing. I just want a break from all of the doctor appointments for a little while. I want a break from not knowing how I feel and not knowing how to respond when people ask me how I’m doing. Even my therapist has told me that I’m much quieter than I used to be, I’m not talking very much. That’s just because I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to say.

Going Through The Motions

Going Through The Motions

I’m not exactly sure why, but for some reason I feel as if I’m just going through the motions. Nothing that I do seems to matter like it used to. I don’t care about things the way I did before. No matter what I’m doing, it seems that the only thing I look forward to is finishing whatever task or event is at hand. I wonder if there will be a time when positive things start to happen again in my life. Will I ever care about things like I used to?