How Much Medication Is Too Much?

I take a lot of medication, and I really mean a lot. I take medication for both my mental health and my physical health. I already take Lithium, Tegretol XR, Deplin, Clozapine, Mirapex, Cytomel, Valium, and Inositol all for my mental health. I also take Zofran, Percocet, Depo-Estradiol, and Depo-Testosterone for my physical health. This doesn’t even include my multiple inhalers and breathing treatments. I’m hoping that I can decrease the meds over time. The first medication I want to go off of is the Deplin. It’s really expensive and I don’t think it’s been doing me any good. I have to wait until I’ve been off of ECT for a while before making any changes to my mental health medications.

A doctor told me this past week that a certain medication may help my bladder condition, but it would be a lifelong medication. I laughed, sarcastically, and told her that wouldn’t be a problem for me. I’m already on a lot of other meds that are lifelong ventures, adding one more to that list is no big deal. Plus, it would be awesome if I could eventually stop getting bladder installations done every week. The new medication is called Elmiron, and the problem is that it’s very expensive. The cheapest I found it was $224 a month. Luckily, my aunt found a patient assistance program that I’m qualified for. I have already filled out my portion of the paper work. I will have my doctor fill out the rest of the documents (which isn’t much) and then I can send it in. I’m excited to find out how much this program will help me.

I often wonder how much is too much. It’s hard to get off medications once you start them because everything has to be done slowly in order to know what medication is causing or helping each issue. Most of my medications are for my mental health, but there are still many that I take because of my physical health. Also, a couple of my meds from both physical and mental health are taken only as needed, so I don’t take them every day. For example, I only take the Zofran when I’m nauseous, the Percocet for pain, and Valium for anxiety attacks. I try to take these meds as little as possible; I don’t want to become dependent on them. I’m sure that I’ll always be on medication, but maybe one day I won’t have to take as much as I do right now. I wonder how many other people take as much medication as I do.

Unknown Anxiety

I’m sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth. My arms and legs are curling me into a ball. Parts of me shake as I rock back and forth; it’s usually my right leg that shakes uncontrollably. Normally, I know the reasons for my anxiety attacks. In fact, I think that this is the first time that I don’t know what’s happening.

The only thing I can think of is that my husband and I both have appointments at Discount Tire tomorrow morning. I need two new tires and he needs a new one because he got a flat last night. New things normally cause me to have anxiety, but this shouldn’t be a problem because my husband will be with me. He always makes me feel safe.

I have a lot to do around the house. Maybe cleaning will keep my mind occupied and reduce my anxiety. Plus, my house could use some cleaning. I think it’s been over a week since I did a good cleaning. If cleaning doesn’t work, then maybe I’ll take a Valium, but I only like to take those when absolutely necessary. I could also try meditation once I’m able to stop rocking and shaking.

UPDATE: I started cleaning my house and my anxiety got better. I like seeing a clean house, it makes me feel relaxed. It’s nice to know that there are people in all parts of my life that are willing to help me though anything. Thanks for the suggestions and support.

Clozapine Refill Frustrations

I started my Clozapine rechallenge on April 3rd; I have now been taking it for close to 8 weeks. My doses have increased slowing over that time. I’ve had some side effects, but nothing that can’t be managed or dealt with. Some of the side effects have gone away over time and others I’ve learned to deal with to the best of my ability.

I just had my Clozapine level taken and the results finally came back yesterday. My level came back at 80, which is very low. I’m assuming that my doctor is going to be increasing my dose, but I’m not sure. I don’t really know where he wants my Clozapine level. A low level is between 50 to 150 ng/mL, 200 to 300 ng/mL is a medium level, and 350 to 450 ng/mL is a high level. I’m pretty sure that the therapeutic level begins 100, which I haven’t reached yet.

Every week I seem to have problems with my blood work and filling my prescription. People at the pharmacy tend to lose track of my blood test results, which they need in order to fill my prescription. I have finally learned that if and when the pharmacy says they haven’t received my weekly blood work, I just need to tell them to look in my file. I thought getting my script filled would be easier now that I’ve figured out that part. However, this week’s prescription has been difficult for another reason. First, my doctor wanted to wait for the Clozapine level results so he knew how much to prescribe. I normally get my script filled on a Sunday or Monday. It’s now Thursday, so I can’t last much longer without a refill. My doctor has called the prescription in twice to the pharmacy. He said that he was on hold for 10 minutes just to leave a message. I’ve called the pharmacy 3 times today regarding this script, and it still isn’t filled.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get this prescription. It seems to add a great deal of anxiety to my life every week. I’m actually taking Valium just to deal with this situation. I wonder if it does more good than harm.

I Feel Like Two Different People

I often feel like I’m two different people. This is the ‘pretend’ or ‘fake’ person. It’s not that I’m being fake, I’m just holding back. I’m one person when I’m around people I trust, such as my husband and my mom. I can fake being okay and my paranoia, anxiety, and fears decrease. This is the person that I make up; the person I let others see. I can also be this person around other people such as family members and friends. It’s just harder for me to keep up this person. But for some reason, I always feel like I need to put on this other persona. I don’t exactly know why, especially with the people I trust the most. Maybe, I’m just trying to give myself a break from the other person that I am; allowing myself to release some of my anxiety and paranoia. I usually need the help of Valium to do this with people other than my husband and mom.

Then, there’s this second person, the real me. I’m the person who jumps at every little noise. This is the person who sometimes keeps a baseball bat by the door and keeps a knife in my pocket when out for a walk, just in case. My paranoia increases when I’m alone. I have more auditory hallucinations when I’m by myself, although I’m learning to tell which things I hear are real and which are hallucinations. When I leave the house by myself, I’m constantly looking around, especially behind me, so I can see everything that’s happening. I never want to be caught off guard. I rarely ever take anti-anxiety medication when I’m by myself in my house. I prefer to use it when I leave my house or when I with others, that way I can be that other ‘pretend’ person.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe again when I’m by myself. Despite the fact that I’m pretending when I’m around others, I do feel safer than I feel when I’m alone. I feel like two different people. Each ‘person’ comes naturally. People I trust tell me I don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything, but it just happens. For some reason, I don’t feel like I have control over which person appears, it’s just instinctive. Does anyone else have this issue or feel this way?

Extra Layover Time

My flight landed 15 minutes early. It went well, no problems. I have 2 hours and 15 minutes until my next flight boards, that’s a long layover. It’s a crowded airport, but I was able to find a seat with my back against a wall. I know I can’t stay here the whole time. I’ll have to get up at some point to get a snack for my next flight. That’s when my heart starts racing again because I’m back in the crowd. I hate crowds. I wish there was a better way to travel alone.

I’m trying to figure out when to take my next Valium. I only get 2 a day, and I can feel the first one wearing off. I don’t want to take the next one too soon because it will wear off when I need it. If I take it too late then it won’t kick in on time. I think I’ll take it in about an hour. That way, it can help me with the boarding process for my next flight, which is the hardest part of it all. I’ll just have to deal with part of the flight, which is over 4 hours long. I have a very hard time being that close to others. I guess I’ll just do the best that I can.

I really just want this day to be over with. I want to sit on the couch with my husband and simply relax (as much as I can relax). It will be soon.

Realizing My Faults: Even When It Takes A While

I noticed myself getting snippy yesterday with my mother, who did not deserve it at all. Once I realized it, I apologized immediately, and then I realized where it was coming from. For Mother’s Day yesterday, my mom, grandma, and myself went out to lunch; we had a lovely meal. My grandma is 90; she says a lot of things she probably shouldn’t say, but she has always been that way. After lunch, my mom ran into the grocery store while I stayed in the car with my grandma. Up until this point, things were going pretty well; however, it all fell apart fairly quickly, at least that’s how I felt.

My grandma said that if everyone put some of their money together, my husband and I move back to Connecticut. I told her that’s not an option; it’s not something we want to do. She couldn’t grasp the idea. I told her I like visiting Connecticut, but we have many reasons to live across the country. My husband’s parents are there, his kids are there, and most importantly, our granddaughter is there. None of that mattered to her. I told her we were happy living where we were, but still she didn’t understand. I said that we already only see our granddaughter every couple of weeks, and that is hard enough. I couldn’t imagine being across the country from her, I would miss her so much that just thinking about it hurts. Then she asked if we were going to adopt, she is aware that I had a hysterectomy. I explained that it’s not something we want to do; it’s not an option for us. She kept pushing the idea. I explained that I chose not to have kids because of my bipolar disorder and PTSD. I can’t always take care of myself, how could I take care of another person? She tried telling me that we would come up with a system to make it work.

Basically, nothing I said got through to her. Up until this point, my Mother’s Day was going pretty well. However, after this conversation, my heart and stomach started to hurt physically and emotionally. I already know that I can’t have kids, and I hate that, but it felt as if she was throwing it in my face. I know, 100%, that nothing my grandma says is every meant maliciously, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The last thing I need on Mother’s Day is a reminder that I can’t have kids. I already remember every minute of every single day. I am beyond frustration.

However, I’m upset with myself for being short with her during that conversation. There are many other ways I could have handled it, but I didn’t. The best thing I could have done would have been to simply say, ‘Let’s talk about something else. This conversation makes me uncomfortable.’ I wish I thought about that at the time, but instead I just got frustrated. I was short with her, but as the rest of the day went on it got a little easier again. That’s when I started getting snippy with my mom. She didn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset, until I finally realized what it was. I was mad at myself for being snippy with my grandma. It was disrespectful. She can’t help it, it’s who she is, and she’s 90 years old. I became mad at myself for being a jerk. It’s as if someone was to get mad at me for being bipolar. It’s a part of who I am and I can’t control it. I had no right to be rude to my grandma.

I need to work on my compassion, especially if I want others to show me some compassion. I was with my grandma today for about 5 hours. Approximately 4 hours and 55 minutes of it went fairly smooth. It was just those 5 minutes while we were waiting in the car together. I have decided that I would rather remember and enjoy the 4 hours and 55 minutes and just ignore the 5 difficult minutes. Almost the entire visit went very well, and that is what I want to remember.

Challenges Show Us What We’re Made Of

I’ve heard it said many times before, ‘Challenges aren’t there to stop us; they’re there to show us what we’re made of.’ If that’s true, then I’m made of medications. It’s my daily medications and my as needed meds (such as Valium) that allow me to face my challenges. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but I honestly don’t think I would be able to do anything without my meds. I can do a lot without Valium; it’s just there in case I need it. While on vacation, I have needed it more, but there have been times this past week when I did things without taking any. I’m going out with my mom and grandma this afternoon for mother’s day and I’m going to do it without taking any Valium, or at least that’s the plan. I can do it, I can do it. I tell myself over and over and eventually it helps. Everyone faces challenges on a daily basis, big and small. Even if I have to take daily medications and some other medications as needed to get through these challenges, at least I’m getting through them. At least I give it a try.

One challenge I’m dealing with right now is getting my weekly blood test results over to the pharmacy so I can get my prescription for Clozapine. I had my blood drawn at the local hospital and then I was told that they could not send my results to the pharmacy even though my psychiatrist requested it on the lab order, he gave them the pharmacy fax number and everything. All labs are closed on Sundays where I am, even the one in the hospital. So tomorrow morning, I have to call the hospital lab and Quest labs and explain the entire situation to them. Hopefully they will have my results and will fax it over to my pharmacy. If not, then I’m going to have to go to the hospital to talk to someone in person. The hospital is 40 minutes away. If that doesn’t work, then I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I will find a way to keep trying. There has to be a solution.

This is a huge challenge for me. I’m extremely uncomfortable talking to people. My anxiety increases, I start rocking back and forth, I lose my words, my heart rate increases, and I start shaking. Maybe no one else notices it, but I feel exposed. I feel as if everyone in the world can see that I can’t even ask people questions. I’m getting a little better at it, but it’s still terrifying to me. Sometimes, I write down my questions in case I lose my focus due to the anxiety. That way, no matter what, I can get my questions answered. I need to at least try to do it. The times that I try and it works out, I feel so proud of myself. It’s a huge accomplishment. I do my best not to let my challenges stop me; I try to find my way around them, one thing at a time.

Visiting Family

There are some people, that no matter how many times you explain it to them, or how many times they see you have an anxiety attack, they will never understand. I don’t think really ask for too much. All I want is to know what is going on. My first 2 visits today went wonderfully. I had a fantastic time visiting with people as planned. My third visit was a bit more difficult. Despite the difficulties, I’m still glad I got to see everyone I was hoping to see. I’m also very grateful that I took a Valium before going to third visit of the day. If I hadn’t taken anything, I probably would have had an anxiety or panic attack at their house because of the surprises I encountered.

I ended up going over to a family member’s house to visit with my nieces and nephew. I was finally told what time to come over a couple of hours before the actual visit (I had only been trying to make the plans for 2 weeks). I drive up to their house, knock on the door, and my nephew lets me in. I’m ecstatic to see him, he’s grown so much. I step into the kitchen and see 2 people who I don’t know at all. Apparently, my brother-in-law planned on having his mother and sister come over for dinner, but no one told me about this. He knows that I struggle with new people. All I wanted would have been to be informed of who would be there. Also, those other people, who turned out to be extremely nice, get to see the kids pretty often. I get to see the kids approximately 2 hours every 6 months. So I also had to share my time with the kids with these other individuals.

The visit was still nice, but it was far from what I expected. Visits always change when you add in other people. I need to change my expectations. Sadly, I can’t and often don’t expect much from others. I generally think I’m going to be let down. Next time, I’m going to do my best not to expect a visit, personal alone time with the kids, or even a response to my text messages. I’m not going to change how I feel about anyone. I love my family and would do anything for them; however, I need to protect myself. By lowering my expectations or having none at all, I’m simply guarding myself from being let down or disappointed. I will still try to see everyone; I’m just going to try my best not to have ideas in my head of how the visits are going to go.

The lessons I learned here are to keep my hopes and expectations to a minimum or not have them at all if possible. It’s another reminder for me to love my family no matter what. Also, it makes me extremely grateful for my relationship with my mother. Everything between us is so simple and loving; I’m so appreciative of everything her and I have.

I Pushed Myself and I’m Grateful

I pushed myself today, much further than I normally do. I took a Valium before I left with my mom, but the event was more than I expected. A friend of the family was putting on a fundraising party and we wanted to go and support it. We got there, and the parking lot was full. My heart started to beat out of my chest. We sat in the car for a little bit while I got the courage to go in. It only took about 5 minutes, and we went inside. I looked around and people were everywhere, both upstairs and downstairs. I stayed close to my mom, she makes me feel safe. I saw a couple of family friends that I wanted to see. We stayed about 30 minutes. I’m surprised I made it that long. People kept bumping into me and others were looking at me. I was terrified inside, and then my mom put her arm around me. I felt safe again. I was ready to go; I hate crowds and did not want to be there anymore. My mom knew by my body language that I was ready to leave, so she helped me make it out the door.

I was also worried that I was going to run into someone I grew up with, someone who I used to get high with. It really doesn’t matter, but I’m always afraid to run into some of these people. It’s really just a trigger, seeing people from my past. I have enough triggers already; I don’t need to add in people from my past. Luckily, I went to the event, stayed for 30 minutes, and left without running into a single person that I used to get high with. There were lots of people I know, but they were family friends, so that was okay.

We got to the car and my mom told me how well I did and how proud she was that I pushed myself to do that. I was still a little freaked out, but after a little while I was able to get myself to calm down. At that point, I was happy and grateful that I went to this event. I did it to show the person running in how much I care about her. Friends and family are important, and it is vital that we show them how much we care. I did the best that I could tonight. Everything was terrifying and felt awkward, but I did it. It was such a huge accomplishment for me. It’s okay to say no to some things, but it’s also okay to say yes. Today, I said yes, and I’m happy I did.

A Great Day

I did well today; better than I thought I would do. I got some things done around the house to help out. In the afternoon, I went to see my grandma and I had a great visit. Her health is declining and I tend to worry. We had several conversations; I love the fact that I can be open with her about my bipolar disorder and PTSD. There were several things she didn’t understand at first, but she listened to me explain various aspects of the disorders. She even repeated things back to me in her own words showing that she did grasp the concepts. I was able to explain to her how my moods can change suddenly; sometimes I am unable to laugh, sometimes all I can do is cry, and sometimes I feel nothing at all. She even tried to understand how my thoughts can take over my mind; how for the past many months, I have had suicidal ideations in the back of my mind. She asked how my ECT treatments are going and how I’m managing my medications. Even though she may not remember all of these things, she still cared enough to listen to my explanations and try to understand the disorders. Bipolar disorder and PTSD were not things that were considered ‘real’ when she was growing up. The fact that she can see them as real and care about my mental health means so much to me.

Then I was able to spend the evening with my mom. We went to dinner and a movie; we saw a chick flick, Mother’s Day. It was a good movie; not great, but not horrible. The best part of it all is that I got to spend time with my mom. I can talk to her about anything, and I’m not exaggerating. The two of us are happy doing anything, as long as we are together. Tomorrow, we are going to the Science Center to see a Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. I can’t wait to see it; the exhibit brings to life 40 of his inventions. I’m excited to have the opportunity to spend time with my mom; it’s a blessing that I’m extremely grateful for.

The best part of the day is that I didn’t take any Valium. There were probably a couple of times that it would have been beneficial, but I pushed through and did okay. I only want to take that medication when I absolutely need it. If I take it too often, then I build up a tolerance to it, and it doesn’t work as well. Today, I was able to get through my day without any Valium at all. That is a big deal for me. I’ve had other days that I didn’t take any, but I usually didn’t leave the house on those days. Today, I was out and about quite a bit, and I was able to manage it on my own.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Valium