Ultimatum From My Doctor

Ultimatum From My Doctor

Today has been unusually rough. I reached out to my psychiatrist because I wanted to change my meds. Specifically, I want to get off of the Clozapine and possibly try IV Ketamine. However, his response was not as I hoped it to be. Basically, it was an ultimatum. Either I go back on ECT or possibly try IV Ketamine, but it would be in addition to Clozapine. If I go off of Clozapine, he will no longer be my psychiatrist; he would only continue to see me for 30 days or until I find a new doctor.

I’m going to come up with a list of questions to ask him at our next appointment on January 11th. My husband will be coming with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m off to go see a Coyotes game; hopefully that will make me feel a little better.

Something To Look Forward To

Something To Look Forward To

I had a really nice Christmas yesterday with my husband and his family. The molasses cookies were a hit with everyone. Everything went well at his mother’s house and at his father’s house. It was a busy day, we were gone from 10am until 6:30pm. I miss my family in Connecticut very much, but I’m lucky to have family to spend my holidays with in Arizona. I have family no matter where I am.

My stepdaughter asked if my husband and I could babysit our granddaughter overnight on New Year’s Eve. We’re both very excited.  This is the first time they’ve asked us to watch her. I’ll have her on my own for a couple hours until my husband gets home from work. I’m a little nervous, but extremely excited. This gives me something to look forward to all week long. Maybe they’ll even have us babysit more often. I can’t wait!

Molasses Cookies

Molasses Cookies

I’ve decided to bake molasses cookies for my husband today. They’re not just any molasses cookies, they’re his favorite cookies that his grandmother would make for him every holiday (she passed away several years ago). I’m really hoping that these cookies turn out right and make him smile when he gets home from work tonight.

Happy Holidays!!

What Do I Do?

What Do I Do?

My therapy session went okay yesterday. We talked about what I’m going to do about the weight gain from the Clozapine. I want to go off the medication, but I’m afraid that if I do it will cause some horrible episode. I need to think about both my physical and mental health. The decision is impossible. I wanted my therapist to tell me what to do, but I know he can’t do that. I want someone (that I trust) to tell me what to do. I’m leaning towards going off the medication after the new year. I’m even willing to try IV Ketamine in order to get off Clozapine. I would do almost anything to get off this medication.

The weight gain is causing me to feel bad about myself. I’m crying off and on and I have no desire to leave the house. I would rather stay home alone where no one has to see me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I hate my life. I’m too overwhelmed with everything.

Family During The Holidays

Family During The Holidays

I’m missing my family right now. There are so many traditions that my family have that I will not be able to be a part of because I live in Arizona. I have my own traditions here with my husband’s family, but nothing will take place of the traditions I grew up with. I do have a good time with his family, but I will always miss what I grew up with. At least I got to participate in some of our traditions when I went home a few weeks ago. We put up our tree, put up some lights, and set up the Snowbabies. I enjoyed all of those things; it’s better than doing nothing.

I’ve decided that I’m going to make the most of my Christmas in Arizona. I love my husband’s family; I think of them as my own family. The best part is that I get to spend time with my granddaughter.

An Unexpected Family Gathering

An Unexpected Family Gathering

I was at the movies with my husband yesterday when his aunt called twice in a row. Thinking it was an emergency, he stepped outside to answer the phone. It turns out that our cousins were in town for one day and they were having a get-together. However, it seems that we were the only two that weren’t told the day and time of the gathering. Our aunt was calling to see if we were going to come to the party; she said that everyone else already arrived. My husband and I discussed it and decided that it was best to go over there to see everyone, especially the ones that are in town for only a day (we really like them and rarely get to visit).

We left the theater after seeing only the first 20 minutes of the movie. We arrived and realized that even our step-kids were there. It doesn’t matter that we weren’t informed about the party. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets to inform everyone. I looked around and realized that there were 21 people at this gathering. I found a spot where my back was to the wall and I started visiting with family. For the most part, it went pretty well. I even got some time to play with my granddaughter; she is growing up so quickly.

We only stayed about 2 hours. I wanted to leave sooner, but my husband was engaged in conversation with family that he doesn’t see as often as he wants. So I found another seat where I was comfortable and waited for him to be done talking to people. I made it through my time there and even had some good (maybe even great) conversations with people. I wished we knew about the party earlier, so I could prepare myself for it, but it worked out no matter what.

Another Rough Day

Another Rough Day

Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.