Tag: Challenges

Family Gatherings

Family Gatherings

Not only is Thanksgiving just around the corner, but we’re also having a family reunion next Sunday with my father-in-law’s side of the family. My husband is helping me prepare for Thanksgiving. I now know whose house it will be at and when we have to be there. I also know that there are going to be some people I don’t know, but I will just stick by the people that I know.

There are also going to be a lot of people at the family reunion that I haven’t met. I’m nervous about it, but also excited. I’ve heard stories about these people, but never met most of them. As long as I have my husband by my side, I should be okay. The Valium will also help. It’s a lot to deal with in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll be able to manage.

Then shortly after that, my husband and I fly to Connecticut to spend a week with my family. I’m not anxious or worried about being with my family. Actually, I’m excited to spend time with family. The only thing I worry about is the traveling; I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

No Support Group Last Night?

No Support Group Last Night?

I went to group last night; I had accidentally forgotten to go last week. I was nervous, but I was also looking forward to going. I had a lot on my mind; plus, I had just dropped dinner and dealt with that situation. I want to be going to a group every week; I’m looking for something that will be a part of my normal schedule. I don’t think that this group can give that to me, but it’s still important to go to a group to have support from other people like me.

I waited 20 minutes for someone to show up, but no one came. I was going to just turn right around and go home, but I thought it would be better to stay. I had already gotten myself to the group, which is not an easy task, I might as well stay to see if someone show’s up. They could have made some kind of announcement last week, which I did not attend, saying that group was canceled, I’ll never know. When the time was up and no one comes, I turned around and went home. I’m still giving myself credit for going there and trying.

Learning To Say No

Learning To Say No

At my therapy appointment, we came to the realization that I put others ahead of myself. If someone wants to do something, I almost always do it, even if it’s not what I want or if it causes anxiety. For me, saying no takes a lot of work. I think it causes more anxiety to say no than it does to do most anything anxiety provoking. My therapist wants me to work on this. He actually wants me to say no more often; to stand up for my own desires and opinions.

So I did it, I said no to something. There is a large family get-together this weekend that I don’t want to go to for several reasons. There will be a lot of people there that I don’t know, it’s out of my normal comfort-zone, and my husband wouldn’t be able to come with me. Normally, I would say yes to the invitation and then have anxiety attacks all week leading up to the get-together and then at the event itself. Instead, I said no; I’m still having anxiety attacks, but they’re a lot less than they would have been if I said yes.

Are there other people who struggle in this way as well? What do they do to help them?

Finding Happiness

Finding Happiness

Getting through a bipolar depression episode is extremely difficult. I’ve been going through a depression for many months now, some days are better than others. I’ve been having a few good days lately because I am able to work out and I’m able to smile. Some days I’m not even able to smile. It’s on the easier days that I can work at finding happiness. For those with depression, we know that happiness is not something that just happens; for us, it takes a lot of work.

So what do I do to find happiness? Maybe watching a comedy, or listening to and dancing to some good music, spend time with or talk to friends/family, or do some things that you’re good at doing. For me, I would probably do some cooking and/or cleaning. I enjoy doing these things and I feel great when they’re all done. Reaching out to others is very important; it also helps me feel better.

Everyone is different; no matter what it is that helps you feel better, it’s important to figure out what that is and remember it for when you need it. Remembering is difficult, so I try to write down the things that help me. That way, when I’m in a depression, I have something to turn to.

I Can’t Make Up My Mind

I Can’t Make Up My Mind

My thoughts are racing. Thoughts go through my mind, in and out, so quickly that none of them are full ideas. My racing thoughts are making it extremely difficult for me to focus on any one important idea. For example,  I’m trying to figure out what health insurance would fit me best, but my mind can’t focus on anything, especially things that are that important.

It’s difficult when you can’t make up your mind. My husband asks me questions, simple questions, that I don’t know the answer to. My husband can’t understand why I can’t figure out what I want. Most people can’t understand why I can’t make decisions; even I can’t figure it out. Is it just because my thoughts are racing, is it because I’m over-tired, is it due to my anxiety? If I could figure out why I can’t make decisions, then maybe I could start learning to make up my mind.

Another Coyotes Hockey Game

Another Coyotes Hockey Game

I went to another Coyotes game last night with my husband. We actually left early. He was in so much pain and we forgot to bring him medicine. I told him it wouldn’t be smart to stay and suffer through the next two periods. Also, I was having problems with claustrophobia. The person sitting next to me was so close, it felt like he was rubbing up against me. I took some Valium, but that was only keeping me from jumping off the ledge, it wasn’t helping me feel better like it normally does.

Normally, my husband wouldn’t leave anything early. I’m glad I convinced him that it was the best solution. We listed to the rest of the game on the radio and it was fantastic. It was a nice evening we had together.

Bullying

Bullying

When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me.  I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

I did more than I thought I would do last night. My plans were just to go to my mother-in-law’s house and see the kids in their costumes. However, I saw them in their costumes and then walked around a couple of blocks with them as they went trick-or-treating. It was so adorable to see the kids enjoying themselves. Once there got to be more people and more lights, I decided that I had enough. I said my goodbyes to everyone and walked back to my car.

On my drive home, I drove by the church that the kids were headed to, and it was packed. There were probably about 500-800 people there. I’m very happy that I left when I did. I was already having anxiety before seeing that large group of people, and I had already taken Valium.

It’s important for me to go outside my comfort zone and try new and/or different things, especially when they are family events. Lately, I’m having to take Valium to do most things out of the house, whether they’re family or not. I think that when I make commitments, they should be small ones. Then, if I’m feeling up to it, I can do more than I agreed to do, but if I’m not feeling okay, I can just do the small part I committed to and be comfortable when I’m ready to leave.

Depression and Personal Hygiene

Depression and Personal Hygiene

One thing that is not often talked about is personal hygiene; however, it is something that can be a problem during depressive episodes. Sometimes, depression can get so bad that it is almost impossible to get out of bed or off the couch and take a shower. I admit that this is one of my struggles during the deeper parts of my depression. In fact, this was a problem just a couple of weeks ago. My mom was the one who helped me and got me to shower every day. She just kept talking to me about it, without any judgement. Once I was showering every day, it gave me the energy to complete other daily tasks.

Poor personal hygiene can frequently be a sign for a depressive episode. In my experience, I was unable to take care of myself. I also remember not being able to get up to feed the dog. Self neglect, or neglecting one’s daily tasks is not only a sign of depression, but it can also make the depression worse. It’s a vicious cycle, which can often make depression harder to get out of. I’m grateful that I have someone to lookout for me when I can’t lookout for myself. I hope that everyone has someone to help them through these difficult and embarrassing times.