I spent some time alone with my mother-in-law yesterday. I showed her the notebook I made to keep track of all her medical issues. She loved it and was extremely grateful of all the work I did. The visit went well; we get along great. It was just emotional for me. There were a lot of details in the notes that my mother-in-law didn’t understand. However, I knew what they meant because I heard them a lot from my father’s cancer. Her illness is bringing up a lot of emotions and memories of my dad. I just want to be able to support her and my husband without bringing up stuff about my dad. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’ll do my best.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.