Living In The Moment

Yesterday I worked out again, which makes that two days in a row. I probably won’t be able to workout again today because my brother-in-law is coming over. My goal is to work out anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week. I think that’s possible. I don’t want to set the bar too high in the beginning and feel as if it’s unattainable, so I’m starting out easy. I’m trying to live in the moment, which is a lot easier for me to do. Normally, I plan way ahead and then I can’t reach the unrealistic goal I set.

My brother-in-law comes over so my husband and him can play games on the PlayStation, which is great because it’s important for my husband and his brother to spend time together. The only thing I don’t like about that, is that they get very loud and yell back at the game. I know that pretty much anyone who plays the games they play also yell. The yelling just bothers me, so I go in the bedroom and turn the TV up loud. It’s a simple solution.

Being Disabled

Being on disability is not easy. I’m on it because of my bipolar disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. As most of you know, dealing with the effects of these mental health disorders is difficult and exhausting. I have so many doctor appointments to manage. Going anywhere new is extremely difficult for me. In fact, my husband has to come with me whenever I go somewhere for the first time because I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t do well dealing with new people, specifically physical contact, I think that is from the PTSD. My social life is small because it’s difficult for me to meet and connect with people. I also struggle to keep in contact with the friends I already have because of the depression.

I wish I could contribute more to our financial status, instead I contribute in other ways. I keep myself busy managing my life and my husband’s life. I don’t know if my bipolar disorder will ever be stable again. It hasn’t been stable since 2009. I don’t know what my future holds, but it doesn’t appear to be a mentally stable state.

Communicating with Loved Ones

It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.

It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.

Bipolar Depression Prescription Commercial

Any time that I’m home, my TV is turned on. I’m usually not watching what is actually on TV, it’s just background noise. There are so many commercials on TV that promote prescription drugs to help depression. I do believe in prescription medications, but I don’t like that some individuals, with no mental health experience, now tries to relate to what we go through with our diagnoses.

There’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. I don’t want anyone’s pity, but it would be nice to have others trying to understand. In my experience, only those that deal with the same things that I deal with, can understand how I feel. I don’t think it’s possible to truly understand what a person goes through unless you go through it as well. My family members do their best to understand what I deal with, and I greatly appreciate that because they do it without pitying me.

Reaching Out

I normally am not the person that reaches out to others, not to friends or family. So, I’ve decided that it is something I need to work on. I have friends that reach out to me, and I only sometimes respond to them. It’s important to be the one who reaches out first because I want my friends to know that I care about them. I feel the same way about reaching out to my family.

Even a simple text message let people know you are thinking about them. Sometimes, just a text message can ignite a conversation. It would be great to talk to friends and family, but it is sometimes extremely hard for me to send a text message. I’m going to write it on my to-do list; if it’s on my list, it will get done.

Isolation

Many people who have bipolar disorder or other mental health disorders tend to struggle with isolation. My husband and family think that I struggle with isolation. Technically, they may be right, but I would rather be by myself than with others. Being social, whether with friends or family, is almost always a challenge. I’m always afraid to say the wrong thing, and I’m fearful of people or things I don’t know. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

I prefer isolation because it’s easier for me to handle. I have fewer panic/anxiety attacks when I stay home. I don’t get bored; I tend to keep myself company. I find things to do during the day to keep myself busy. Many people get bored and struggle when they have to stay home by themselves. I know that my family is just trying to help me by getting me out of the house. Just because some people struggle to stay home alone, doesn’t mean I struggle as well. It’s healthy and important get out sometimes, but I also know my own boundaries. For me, sometimes it’s better for me to stay home. I guess I just have to find a happy medium, some sort of balance between isolation and socialization.

Putting Myself Out There

I’m trying really hard to put myself out there in the world. Not because I want to, but because my husband and family want me to. Also, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the healthy thing to do both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been going to a support group, which is very hard for me to do, but it will be helpful, once I become comfortable in the group. Yesterday evening, I met up with a couple of friends. I’m so happy I did that. It was great to see them and talk to them. It is very important to meet up with friends, but it’s hard to do that and other social things when dealing with a major depression. I’m also trying to reach out a little more to my family, specifically my siblings. I don’t know why it’s so hard to reach out to others. Maybe because I don’t have much to talk about on my end. I don’t really know what to say when they ask me how I’m doing. Any suggestions on how to respond to the how are you doing question? All I can think of is, “I’m hanging in.”

Homesick

I grew up in Connecticut, but I currently live in Arizona. Being that far away from my family is extremely hard for me. Family is very important to me; it’s a struggle not being able to see them whenever I want. Thankfully, I see my mom every 3 months, but I don’t always see the rest of my family. I’m excited because in less than 6 weeks, I will get to see my whole family. I’m counting the days now!

There have been several moments where I came close to caving and asking my mom to bring me home, but I stuck it out. I get home sick for Connecticut fairly often. Especially this time of year, I miss the fall foliage; I deeply miss the beauty of New England. When I struggle with homesickness, my anxiety is almost always increased.

I’m lucky to get along with all of my in-laws. However, sometimes the more time I spend with my in-laws, the more I miss my own family. No matter how much time I spend with my in-laws or how well we get along, I still miss my family. I wonder if being homesick this often is normal.

Generally, when I’m in Connecticut, I miss my husband and friends and want to go back to Arizona. When I’m in Arizona, I miss my family and want to be in Connecticut. No matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else. Does anyone have thoughts on the subject? Do other people get along with their family as well as I do?

Vacation Ending

It’s my last day of vacation, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to go home. There’s so much stress at home. Bills to figure out, a house to clean and organize (it’s probably a wreck since I’ve been gone over a week), errands to run, doctor appointments to go to, and so much more. Plus, I don’t want to go back to the horrible summer heat in Phoenix. I don’t want to deal with any of that, but I don’t really have a choice. Most of the time, by the end of vacation, I’m ready to get back home. Not this time. I wish I could stay here, just me and my mom, a while longer.

This vacation was great. I went out every day, and I even slept every night. I didn’t even take Valium every day. I’m really proud of myself for that. Cape Cod is extremely busy this time of year; people are everywhere. It was difficult, but I managed to go a few days without it. I only want to take it if absolutely necessary. I worry that it could become a problem if I take it too much. I have a history of addiction, so I don’t want to risk anything. I’m going to go enjoy my last day

Day One: Enjoying Myself

It’s my first day of vacation, and things are going pretty well so far. I went to the beach with my family. Normally, I just lay on the beach and don’t go in the water. I don’t like the water; it doesn’t matter if it’s the ocean, a lake, or even a pool, I’m just not a fan. I think it’s because I’m uncomfortable in a bathing suit around anyone and everyone. It was so hot out today, and I went into the ocean all the way up to my stomach. I was so proud of myself. I even had my mom take a picture so I have proof when I tell my husband about it.

I only stayed on the beach for about an hour or so; I don’t want to get a sunburn on day one. Now, I get to relax in the cottage, spend some quality time with my nephew, and maybe even take a quick nap (I still haven’t adjusted to the 3 hour time change). Then, we all had a nice evening out. We went to a great restaurant, did some shopping, and then went to get ice cream. I’m happy to be here with my family. I just wish my husband was here with me, but he’ll come out here with me next year.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Family