Every night, I go to bed just a few minutes after my husband. He’s still awake when I come to bed. We have an adjustable, so he puts it so our feet and head are both up a little. We watch TV for a little and I try to fall asleep. It’s not that I’m not tired, I just can’t get comfortable, I think because of the position the bed was in. My husband gets comfortable, and that’s what matters to me.
If I wanted to, I could just go to the guest bedroom, which is empty. However, if I was in the guest bedroom, I wouldn’t have anything as background noise. When I’m in our bedroom or on the couch, I have the TV turned on so I have something to listen to as I fall asleep. I need background noise to drown out my own mind.
Even though I’m having problems sleeping lately, I still go to bed with my husband every night and try falling asleep. I don’t want to give up, so I do my best to fall asleep in my own bed and stay there. It will happen one day.
My psychiatrist gave me three options. Option #1 is to go back on the Mirapex. Option #2 is to restart ECT twice a week. My psychiatrist says that ECT in combination with Clozapine has good data and experiences. Option #3 is to try IV Ketamine. I’m starting by going back on Mirapex. If that doesn’t help in a few weeks, I will probably try IV Ketamine. The IV Ketamine scares me, but it does have really good results.
Lately, I’m sleeping a lot, more than 12 hours a day. I’m having a really hard time doing anything. All I want to do is just lay down and fall asleep. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. I know it’s the depression. Hopefully it will get better in a week or so, now that I restarted the Mirapex.
I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.
I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.
I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.
I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.
As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.
I’ve probably mentioned before that I’m an insomniac. However, the Clozapine I take at night helps me fall asleep with 20 minutes, I just don’t stay asleep. I wake up at least twice every night. It would be nice to sleep through the night, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. My mind is always running extremely fast. It goes from one thought, to the next, and so on. I never catch a break; I never get a moment of peace from my own brain. This happens when I’m manic, depressed, and even when I’m not experiencing an episode.
There are many aspects in life that affect my ability to sleep. These aspects include keeping a routine, medications, my anxiety level, and my honesty. Keeping a routine is important, but it’s something that I’m not very good at. I almost never go to bed at the same time every night. I pretty much go to sleep whenever I feel like it, so that isn’t very helpful. Several of my medications, including Lithium and Tegretol XR, can cause insomnia in patients. I’m sure this worsens my ability to sleep. My anxiety level is high quite often. Even when it’s not high, I deal with anxiety on a regular basis, especially when I’m outside of my home. For me, it’s important to remain honesty. I have a hard time living with myself if I’m not honest. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy; it’s important that when we interact with others, you should treat them the way you want to be treated.
There are many reasons why I could struggle with insomnia. I wonder if this is something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. When I was a young child, I would fall asleep anywhere. Now, I have to force myself to fall asleep. And to make matters even worse, I tend to have nightmares when I finally do fall asleep. My husband says that he can tell when I’m having a bad dream because I talk very loudly in my sleep and I’m constantly tossing and turning. When I wake up, I don’t always remember my dream/nightmare, but I do remember feeling terrified. I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help get rid of these nightmares.
My dose stayed at 100mg again last night. My sleep keeps improving. Last night, I fell asleep easily and slept about 6 hours without waking up. When I woke up, I was tired, but had no other symptoms. I guess my body is getting used to the medication.
Yesterday, after taking a showing and getting dressed, I had to rest for couple hours before running errands. I seem to get tired very easily. After resting, I ran some simple errands. I came home from that and ended up crashing on the couch. I napped for about two hours; however, I could only sleep 5 or 10 minutes at a time. It appears that I get exhausted very easily after any physical exertion.
Today, I feel the best that I have felt since I started taking this new medication. Last night I took 100mg again and my Seroquel is also down to 100mg. I woke up in the middle of the night, but only because the dog started barking continuously at some random loud noise, but he was doing his job. So I decided to sleep out on the couch in case it happened again, that way I could calm him down quicker. Other than waking up because of his barking, I slept through the night from about 2:00am until 8:00am. Every day, my sleep is improving. I was pretty unsteady on my feet in the middle of the night and when I first woke up, but that went away within 30 minutes of waking up. The pressure in my chest and throat has almost disappeared. My temperature is still doing well at 98.1. I haven’t been experiencing any other side effects today.
I am ecstatic that I’m doing so well. The first time I tried Clozapine last year, I had such a difficult time with it. My biggest issues were dizziness and sedation. I’m doing really well with those issues. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really think that it might work this time.
Last night, I increased my Clozapine dose to 100mg and decreased my Seroquel dose to 100mg as instructed by my psychiatrist. I fell asleep last night around 2:00am and I was in and out until 8:30am. I probably got a total combination of 5 1/2 hours, which isn’t that bad. I woke up with sore muscles and I feel pretty tired, but it’s not as bad as it has previously been. I’m a bit unsteady on my feet, which is a new side effect for me. I still feel pressure in my throat, but it appears to be getting better. The chest pressure is there again, but very minor. And my temperature is 97.7. So I guess I do have a lot of side effects today, but I think they will go away as the day goes on, just like it has been happening every other day.
I have a busy day today that I’m looking forward to. My step-son, who is 24 years old, is coming over to visit. I love spending time with my step-kids. Then we’re going to dinner at my step-daughter’s house, she is 22 years old, which means I get to see my granddaughter again. We saw her this past Sunday, but I felt so weak from the medication that I was afraid to hold her; I didn’t want to drop her if my muscles gave out like they have a few other times. I’m going to continue to try to think positive even though it’s extremely difficult, at the very least, it can’t hurt.
I slept approximately 4 hours, but I don’t feel too exhausted yet. I just couldn’t fall asleep for some reason. My psychiatrist had me cut my Seroquel in half since I slept almost 12 hours the day before. I was happy to do so; it just made it difficult to fall asleep, but the sleep I did get was good. Physically, the only problem I’m feeling is a sore throat. It’s more like a small lump in my throat on the right side that I feel as I breathe in. Other than that and being somewhat tired, I feel perfectly fine. I think that I’ll feel better as the day goes on, that’s how it usually goes. I have a lot to do today, hopefully my body can keep up with me.
I fell asleep on the couch last night in the middle of doing something. I slept about 2 hours on the couch then woke up and we to bed. Then I slept 9 hours in bed, without waking up! I can’t believe I slept that much. I assume it’s because of the Clozapine; it does have a sedation side effect. I know that it’s not technically possible to catch up on missed sleep, but I really needed that.
I have some pressure in my chest and throat when I breathe deep, but that’s all. I don’t think it’s worse than yesterday. I tend to get tired easier than I normally would. Taking a shower and getting dressed yesterday wiped me out. I was going to go to a friend’s house, but I didn’t have the energy to do it. However, my temperature is still good at 97.0, so I think I’m doing well. Today, I go pick up my prescription for this coming week, since I can only get one week at a time.