I Pushed Myself and I’m Grateful

I pushed myself today, much further than I normally do. I took a Valium before I left with my mom, but the event was more than I expected. A friend of the family was putting on a fundraising party and we wanted to go and support it. We got there, and the parking lot was full. My heart started to beat out of my chest. We sat in the car for a little bit while I got the courage to go in. It only took about 5 minutes, and we went inside. I looked around and people were everywhere, both upstairs and downstairs. I stayed close to my mom, she makes me feel safe. I saw a couple of family friends that I wanted to see. We stayed about 30 minutes. I’m surprised I made it that long. People kept bumping into me and others were looking at me. I was terrified inside, and then my mom put her arm around me. I felt safe again. I was ready to go; I hate crowds and did not want to be there anymore. My mom knew by my body language that I was ready to leave, so she helped me make it out the door.

I was also worried that I was going to run into someone I grew up with, someone who I used to get high with. It really doesn’t matter, but I’m always afraid to run into some of these people. It’s really just a trigger, seeing people from my past. I have enough triggers already; I don’t need to add in people from my past. Luckily, I went to the event, stayed for 30 minutes, and left without running into a single person that I used to get high with. There were lots of people I know, but they were family friends, so that was okay.

We got to the car and my mom told me how well I did and how proud she was that I pushed myself to do that. I was still a little freaked out, but after a little while I was able to get myself to calm down. At that point, I was happy and grateful that I went to this event. I did it to show the person running in how much I care about her. Friends and family are important, and it is vital that we show them how much we care. I did the best that I could tonight. Everything was terrifying and felt awkward, but I did it. It was such a huge accomplishment for me. It’s okay to say no to some things, but it’s also okay to say yes. Today, I said yes, and I’m happy I did.

I Arrived!

I finally made it to my destination, and the stress of the trip was completely worth it. Some of the things I fear when traveling occurred, the rest of my fears were just thoughts that never took place. When standing in line to get on and off the planes, I made sure to wear my backpack to keep some distance between me and the person behind me. This worked a couple of times, but the other times I could feel the people behind me pushing up against my backpack. I was lucky to have polite people sitting next to me on the plane. However, the people behind me on the 4 hour flight were loud, obnoxious, and most likely drunk. I took medication as necessary; I did my best to time it all well.

I won’t take more than two pills of Valium in a day, that’s what my prescription is for, but I wanted to make sure that they would be effective when I needed them. I left my home at 9:20am and I arrived at my destination at 10:40pm. There’s no way that my Valium would be effective all day long. I had to choose when to take them so they would be most effective and helpful. I think I did a pretty good job today. It was all worth it when I got to hug my mom; she was waiting for me at baggage claim. Then we had over an hour drive back to her house to chat and share stories. We stayed up even later talking, probably because it’s so easy for us to talk to each other. I’m very blessed to be here with my mom and the rest of my family. I can’t wait to see everyone else starting tomorrow. I better start making a list of everything I need/want to do. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean I should stop making to-do lists; they really help me stay organized and focused.

Off To The Airport

I’m all packed and ready to go. My ride will be here soon and then I’m off to the airport. All of the sudden, my nerves are kicking up. I’m afraid that anything could go wrong. What if I don’t make it to the airport on time? What if I miss my flight? Will I be able to find a comfortable spot to sit down while I’m at the airport? Will I end up sitting next to someone who is polite or annoying? There are so many thoughts and possibilities bouncing around in my mind. I don’t know the answer to any of them. No one knows the answer, until they actually happen.

I’m trying to figure out when to take my first Valium for the day. It’s an entire day of flying for me, which means I want to make sure my Valium lasts as long as possible. The one thing that’s making me feel better is that I know at the end of the day, I will be with my mom. That makes everything better. I can’t wait to give her a hug. She makes all of the airport crap worth it.

Well, it’s time to pack my laptop. Here I go…

Overwhelmed and Anxious

I have so many things to get done in a limited amount of time. So many things, such little time to do it in; we’ve all heard that before, we’ve all probably said that before. Right now, that seems to be my life, except I feel frozen. I’m struggling to get things done, even some of the smallest things. All I can think about is all of the other tasks I need to complete. It’s weird to have your brain running so fast but also be frozen at the same time. What do I do now? Where do I start? Sometimes I feel as if I’m outside of my own body. I feel as if I’m looking at myself and all the things I need to do, and still can’t get it all done.

I feel off, something feels off and I can’t pinpoint it. Is it because I forgot to take my Clozapine two nights ago? Maybe it’s because I’m on a time schedule? It could be because I’m dealing with what appears to be a minor depressive episode, hopefully it doesn’t get worse. It could just be because I’m about to go on another trip to visit my family. I love my family and we get along wonderfully, but it’s still stressful. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family. I can’t wait to have one-on-one time with my mom, nieces, nephew, aunt, grandma, and more. There are so many people to see, and I have only one week to get it all done in.

My best friend from high school just reached out to me and she wants to get together for lunch while I’m back where I grew up. I haven’t seen or talked to this girl since I was 17 or 18 years old. Now, she wants to catch up and that worries me. Now that I think about it, this is probably why I’m having so many issues right now. This is overwhelming. I tend to have anxiety attacks when I go visit my friends that I see regularly, what will happen when if I visit with someone I haven’t seen or talked to in over a decade. Thank goodness for Valium. I don’t take it that often when I’m in my normal surroundings, but I know I will go through quite a lot while I’m away. I won’t take more than I’m supposed to, but I’m allowed two 10 mg pills a day, and that is a lot to me.

Beyond Frustration – Clozapine Refill Issues

One thing after another, it never seems to end. There is always something that needs fixing or needs to be completed. I had my weekly blood work done on Friday and I’ve been checking for the results a couple of times a day. Normally, it’s done and I get the results the same day or early the next morning. For some reason, this week and last week, it took longer for my results to come through, but they finally did this afternoon. Once I know that my lab results are in, I call my pharmacy to make sure they received a copy. I usually spend the first five minutes of the phone call with them telling me they didn’t receive a copy until they finally look in their fax machine to see it sitting there.

They generally talk down to me, as if I don’t know what I’m doing. Today, the pharmacist kept telling me that they need to receive my lab results every week in order to fill the prescription. If only she would have stopped talking, she would have realized that I’m well aware of that and it was even the reason for my phone call. Shortly after hanging up with the pharmacist, I received a phone call from her. She called to tell me that my white blood cell count was high and she was concerned about filling the script. I explained to her that my count has decreased, improved, since last week and that my only current side effect is fatigue/low energy, but it is almost gone. I told her that I would have my psychiatrist call her. Then, she informed me that she would fill the script, but starting next month any time my lab results are off, they would be required to send my results to a central database location. The pharmacist would no longer be able to decide if it is okay to fill the script or not, someone at the central database would have to decide.

Now, I’m sitting here thinking that I could be taken off Clozapine any time if my blood results are off. I’m basically living week to week, never knowing if I’ll be able to get my next prescription of Clozapine filled. It’s adding on so much anxiety to an already stressful life. My psychiatrist says that they need to be concerned about a low white blood cell count, not a high count; however, I have so many more questions.

If at some point the pharmacy, or central database, won’t fill my script, do I just stop the medication immediately or am I supposed to titrate down off the medicine?
What side effects can I expect from going off Clozapine?
What levels of a WBC (white blood cell count) are good, and which are bad?
Is it bad that my eosinophils count is very high? At what level does that count make a difference?
If I have to go off the Clozapine, what medication would replace it? I’m no longer on Seroquel or any other antipsychotic.
How long would it take for a new medication to start working?
How likely am I to have a major episode if I go Clozapine?

Once I know the answers to these questions, I will let everyone know. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about any of this. Hopefully, my next blood test results will be back to normal. Until then, I am just going to stress over it all.

I Hate Confrontation

Confrontation scares me, I hate it; it puts me into a panic attack. I keep everything inside and I do my best never to let it out. I would rather hold it all in and be a complete mess, than confront someone about any situation, whether it’s serious or not. I don’t show my anger, I just keep stuffing it down, holding it all in, although I am a pretty sarcastic person. I know that one day I’m probably going to explode, but I just don’t know what else to do with it all.

When I was in rehab, we had to confront each another in a large group setting using the form, ‘When you…I feel…’ format. It may sound somewhat corny, but it does work, when you have the guts to actually do it. I remember when I would have to confront someone, my heart would race so fast and I would start sweating; I would even forget my words, why I was confronting someone, and even how it made me feel. I would do it while I was in rehab because I had to. Now, I do everything I can to avoid it.

I guess I’m afraid to upset other people. I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings or make someone mad. I would prefer to be extremely uncomfortable if it would make other people happy. That sounds weird when I say it out loud, but it’s just how I am. My therapist is trying to get me to work on this, but it’s not as simple as he explains it. Even admitting to myself that I’m angry is difficult for me, why would I be able to tell someone else how I feel?

There are several things that I deal with, such as my anxiety and fears, and I know where those things originate. I think my fear of confrontation probably comes from the same place as my other fears. My ex used to get very physically and emotionally abusive when I would get upset with him. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I just shouldn’t confront him on anything. I guess I just let that issue seep into every other part of my life. At some point, I need to start taking control again. Right now, that’s too scary for me, but I’ll keep it in my mind as an option.

Weekly Blood Work – Same Phlebotomist

I have been nervous for days now about the blood work I had to get done today. Most of my nerves were because of the inappropriate phlebotomist from last week that kept asking me personal questions and telling me what I should do for my bipolar disorder. I have been practicing all week just what to say to her if she was the one drawing my blood again. I was prepared; at least I kept telling myself I was prepared. I was ready to tell her, “I don’t want to talk” if she asked me a question, or to ask for someone else completely. To be honest, I wasn’t prepared. I took a Valium to calm myself out of my anxiety attack and I went to the lab.

I arrived at the lab and stood in line to check in. I made a 2pm appointment, but they were running late. At least my Valium was kicking in, I was able to breathe, my chest pains stopped, I started shaking less, and my mind began to slow. I looked behind the counter and only saw one receptionist and one phlebotomist. Then my heart started to beat a little faster again, it was the same woman from last time. As I walk past her, she asks me “Did you think about what we talked about last time?” I can’t believe that she was that invasive two weeks in a row, better yet, she broke HIPPA laws two weeks in a row. I was surprised, but my response comment came to me quickly. I told her, “Yes, and I’m happy with the way I’m doing things.” I couldn’t believe it, but she actually backed off. The only other things she said was just normal chit-chat, to make time go by quicker. What I said was nothing like what I planned on saying, but it still seemed to work, and that’s all that really matters.

If she says something to me again next week, I will report her. It’s really hard for me to report her or tell her boss about the situation; I’m not sure why it’s so difficult, it just is. My husband keeps telling me I should report her. He’s probably right; I should probably do it for the people she treats after me. Even just the thought of reporting her, or having my husband report her, makes me start to have a panic attack. I don’t know if I could do it; I don’t know if I want to do it.

An update regarding the Clozapine: My fatigue has been decreasing every day and I have no other side effects that I’m noticing. I informed my psychiatrist these facts and that I completed my weekly blood work today. He told me I could up my Clozapine dose to 125 mg. I was so excited when I heard, I was worried he was going to stop the medication because of my blood work results, but he is still allowing me to move forward on my dosages.

Venting: Letting Out My Day

Normally, I just push through my days, no matter how bad they are; I find some way to make the time pass. I can usually hold it together; I can put a fake smile on and say what I need to in order to make others think I’m fine. Today, however; was not one of those days. My psychiatrist is worried and wanted me to be checked for Clozapine-induced myocarditis. I went to the doctor, and it was a waste of time. I checked her notes afterwards, and she only listened to about half of what I said. I also couldn’t get the ultrasound they referred me for; I wonder when I’ll actually have that appointment. My psychiatrist isn’t taking me off the Clozapine yet, but I’m just guessing that based on my luck, there’s going to be some reason to take me off it.

I’m overwhelmed by life. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, or how much I want to take. Aside from my mental health diagnoses, I’m also diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, a painful bladder disease. The treatments that I am using for it are called “installations”. Basically, every three weeks, I get catheterized so medicine can be put directly into my bladder. I’ve been doing this for over a year now. Most patients can go longer in between treatments, but since stress is a huge trigger for pain, it gets really bad every time I try to stretch out the treatments. However, because my stress has been greatly increased lately, so has my pain, so my doctor is having me do treatments every week for three weeks. The treatments help somewhat, but I still have a lot of pain and frequency problems.

Every four weeks, I also get to go to ECTs (electroconvulsive therapy treatment), and tomorrow is that lucky day. I hate doing it; I don’t want to go. Even though I admit that it was extremely helpful and was a big part of getting me out of a depressive episode I had last year, I still don’t want to continue with this treatment. It’s too much for my body; the past few times it tends to hurt more and more. My psychiatrist said since the treatments are further apart, my body isn’t used to them anymore. I also have a lot of memory loss from the treatments, but it has gotten better than when I first started. However, I don’t stop them because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I do.

A relationship of mine seems to be changing a little; it seems more strained than normal. This friend means a lot to me, to my entire life, and I guess the stress on the relationship is scaring me. I just thought I would say that, because I haven’t actually said it until now. I don’t let a lot of people in, so I don’t have a lot of friends; hopefully I’m not the one pushing this person away.

Well, I just needed to vent today. It was a rough one for me, but at least now it’s close to bedtime. It just seems that crap keeps happening; over, and over, and over again. I just wonder when it’s going to stop. I try to be positive all the time, whether it’s real or not, hoping that it will help, because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, someone today told me that I don’t always have to put a face on, and I really appreciated that. So I decided to be 100% honest and admit that today, things suck. I have been extremely stressed out, very frustrated, overwhelmed, and I still made it. I even was able to clean my entire house, that’s how I like to get out my frustration. I’m unsure if tomorrow will be any better, but at least I’ll start with a clean house.

Planning Ahead Helps Reduce Stress

I have a difficult time doing anything that is not in my normal schedule. Even if it’s as simple as going to a new store to go shopping, meeting someone at a restaurant I’ve never been to before, or going to a get together at a family member’s or friend’s house. I do my best to prepare myself for any situation that I will be getting myself into. Basically, all I try to do is to find out as much information as I can about the upcoming event and come up with a plan for what I can do if I have an anxiety/panic attack, if I start crying, or if I become uncomfortable in any way. Planning helps me feel safer and reduces stress when I walk into these unknown situations, but it doesn’t always solve every problem.

For example, today I went to two different family member’s houses. The first house was somewhere I had never been before. I started planning by trying to figure out who was going to be there, my husband helped me with this. Then, my mother helped me by reminding me that I can handle this. Also, if I became too uncomfortable or scared, I could always walk outside and call someone to talk me through it. Additionally, I planned on taking a Valium on my way over there to help keep me feeling relaxed and prevent an anxiety/panic attack. Furthermore, I planned on sitting by someone I’m very comfortable with and having my husband sit on the other side of me, that way no one could catch me off guard.

Nothing every goes perfectly as planned, but things almost always go better when you have a plan rather than going in unprepared. When I arrived at the first house today, I was surprised to see that there were 5 people there I didn’t know, and I had no clue these people would be there. I freaked out at first, my heart started to race, but at least I had taken a Valium, otherwise my reaction would have been much worse and more noticeable. Then I thought about my plan and I sat myself down next to a family member that I find enjoyable and is also understanding of my bipolar disorder. This kept me calm. I used these techniques help me through the day, and to my surprise, it was easier than I thought it would be. I’m sure that the people I didn’t know thought I was different because I avoided them at all costs, but oh well; all I really cared about was making it through the day without freaking out.

The second house I went to was fine; I’m already comfortable with the people there, and everything went well. I’m proud of myself for making it through the day, especially since things didn’t go as I thought they would. Planning ahead doesn’t solve every situation, but it does make it a whole lot easier. It also helps a great deal to be with someone that knows your situation and is there to support you; for me, that’s almost always my husband. He knows how to make me feel safe and comfortable. I’m extremely grateful for his love and support, as well as the love and support from my mother and other family members.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Stress