Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

A Sick Cash

A Sick Cash

Yesterday, my dog, Cash, got sick and threw up. He was slightly lethargic during the rest of the day. He ate a smaller dinner and the good news was that he didn’t get sick again. When I fed him this morning, he didn’t care about eating any food. He has many allergies, so I have to be extremely careful what he eats. I tried a couple of times to get him to eat, but he still refused. My husband finally got him to eat a treat after a couple of hours, that’s better than nothing.

I’ve been worrying about him all day. Of course, today is Cash’s 11th birthday. I felt so bad for him. I decided that if he was still like this tomorrow, I would take him to the vet. Thankfully, when it was time for dinner, he jumped up and was more than ready to eat. I’m happy to say that he’s doing much better.

Jealousy and Regret

Jealousy and Regret

With racing thoughts, comes an assortment of emotions. Right now I’m stuck in jealousy. In 2010 I had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision. Every day I hate that I did it, but I’m also extremely grateful. I know that I can’t take care of myself or my dog when I go through manic or depressive episodes, how could I even try to take care of a child. It was the right thing to do for me. However, my jealousy comes out when I see any parent with their child. I tend to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make that decision. But seeing as how I’m still struggling with my mental health 6 years later, I suppose I did the right thing. I’m also dealing with a lot of regret. Is it normal to regret something that you are glad you did?

I miss the job I had before I went on disability. I was really good at it and my employer was very nice. I went on disability not too long after getting a huge raise and a promotion. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where I was 8 or 9 years ago. These are just the most repetitive thoughts going through my mind lately. There are a lot of other racing thoughts, but they’re not as persistent as the ones I mentioned.

Out of Control Thinking

Out of Control Thinking

Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.

I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.

List For My Doctor

List For My Doctor

I made a list of the things that I need to talk to my psychiatrist about at my appointment with him next week.

  • Racing thoughts
  • Stomach problems
  • Suicidal ideations
  • I’m no longer sleeping all day long
  • Greatly increased anxiety, causing breathing issues
  • My feet hurt in the morning, not sure if it’s a side effect
  • Twitching is happening more often and in more than just my hands
  • Having a harder time getting tasks done, possibly a lack of motivation

I know I’m forgetting some things, but this is a descent start to making a list. I know that if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to bring it up in the appointment. Most of these have easy solutions, so I’m not too worried at the moment.

Heavy Thoughts

Heavy Thoughts

I woke up after only a few hours of sleep; my mind was wandering like it always does. Thoughts are going in and out of my brain, covering all different topics and raising questions that I don’t know the answer to. Instead of laying in bed and trying to go back to sleep, I give in to the racing thoughts and go out to the couch. I turn on the TV to help me drone out the racing thoughts that I can’t manage.

Normally, I can fall back asleep once I’m on the couch because of the TV background noise, but this time I have no luck. The air feels dense, my thoughts feel heavy. Every thought adds weight to my mind. I finally give up on falling back asleep, so that removes one of the many thoughts. I can’t give up on anything else, so I just have to fight my way through.

Finding Happiness

Finding Happiness

Getting through a bipolar depression episode is extremely difficult. I’ve been going through a depression for many months now, some days are better than others. I’ve been having a few good days lately because I am able to work out and I’m able to smile. Some days I’m not even able to smile. It’s on the easier days that I can work at finding happiness. For those with depression, we know that happiness is not something that just happens; for us, it takes a lot of work.

So what do I do to find happiness? Maybe watching a comedy, or listening to and dancing to some good music, spend time with or talk to friends/family, or do some things that you’re good at doing. For me, I would probably do some cooking and/or cleaning. I enjoy doing these things and I feel great when they’re all done. Reaching out to others is very important; it also helps me feel better.

Everyone is different; no matter what it is that helps you feel better, it’s important to figure out what that is and remember it for when you need it. Remembering is difficult, so I try to write down the things that help me. That way, when I’m in a depression, I have something to turn to.

How Did I Change?

How Did I Change?

I often think about how I was when I was younger. I was a happy child and I entertained myself easily with games and toys. My mom could and did bring me everywhere with her because I was so easy. I had my own desk supplies; I would tape and staple random papers together and then show my mom what I made. She says I was a simple child.

So what happened? I ask myself all of the time, where did that happy little girl go? I know what happened when I was a teenager, hormones. But what about the rest of the time? It seems like bipolar disorder took over my mind and body. I think that’s pretty accurate. I feel as if I’m the exact opposite of who I was when I was a child. I wish I could be that happy kid again. I know it’s not going to happen, but when I remember being that happy-go-lucky child, I can smile. That is a gift in itself.

Living In The Moment

Living In The Moment

Yesterday I worked out again, which makes that two days in a row. I probably won’t be able to workout again today because my brother-in-law is coming over. My goal is to work out anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week. I think that’s possible. I don’t want to set the bar too high in the beginning and feel as if it’s unattainable, so I’m starting out easy. I’m trying to live in the moment, which is a lot easier for me to do. Normally, I plan way ahead and then I can’t reach the unrealistic goal I set.

My brother-in-law comes over so my husband and him can play games on the PlayStation, which is great because it’s important for my husband and his brother to spend time together. The only thing I don’t like about that, is that they get very loud and yell back at the game. I know that pretty much anyone who plays the games they play also yell. The yelling just bothers me, so I go in the bedroom and turn the TV up loud. It’s a simple solution.

How To Find Middle Ground

How To Find Middle Ground

I often feel guilty about other people’s emotions and situations for no reason. I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about something unless there is a reason. My husband came home in a bad mood last night and I really didn’t want to feel responsible for his emotions when I know I’m not. I don’t know how to do that, so I just stayed quiet and kept to myself. I do that with anyone, not just my husband. When people are upset, I either take on their emotions or I get completely quiet.

I tend to go from one extreme to the other. I know that there’s a middle ground between feeling guilty and not talking at all. I have no clue how to find that balance or how long it will take for me to find it.

Nightmare

Nightmare

Apparently, I was having some pretty bad nightmares last night. My husband woke me up to see if I was okay because I was tossing, turning, and screaming. I have no recollection of the nightmare I had. I decided to get up and go sleep on the couch. I was worried that the yelling would happen again and keep my husband awake. Since I don’t mind the couch, I figured that would be the perfect solution, and it was.

I don’t remember my dreams or nightmares very often. I know that I have them, I just can’t remember any of the details. I used to remember my dreams and nightmares, but that hasn’t happened for several months. I wonder if that’s due to a side effect of a medication.