Bullying

When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me. I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

Trick-Or-Treating with my Granddaughter

I did more than I thought I would do last night. My plans were just to go to my mother-in-law’s house and see the kids in their costumes. However, I saw them in their costumes and then walked around a couple of blocks with them as they went trick-or-treating. It was so adorable to see the kids enjoying themselves. Once there got to be more people and more lights, I decided that I had enough. I said my goodbyes to everyone and walked back to my car.

On my drive home, I drove by the church that the kids were headed to, and it was packed. There were probably about 500-800 people there. I’m very happy that I left when I did. I was already having anxiety before seeing that large group of people, and I had already taken Valium.

It’s important for me to go outside my comfort zone and try new and/or different things, especially when they are family events. Lately, I’m having to take Valium to do most things out of the house, whether they’re family or not. I think that when I make commitments, they should be small ones. Then, if I’m feeling up to it, I can do more than I agreed to do, but if I’m not feeling okay, I can just do the small part I committed to and be comfortable when I’m ready to leave.

Can I Handle Halloween

As we all now, Halloween is tonight, and I have a lot of anxiety because of that. I don’t think there are kids that trick or treat on my street, but I will keep the lights out on my house. My husband works tonight, so it will be just me and my dog until about 9pm. I just hope my dog doesn’t bark all night. I’ll probably put his Thundershirt on him to help keep him calm. I can’t remember how other Halloween nights have been, so this all feels like new to me.

At 5pm, I get to see my granddaughter all dressed up.That gives me something to look forward to today. I think that it will help me get through the day today and minimize my anxiety attacks. I will let you know tomorrow how well I handle Halloween night. Hopefully, I can keep the anxiety and panic attacks to a minimum.

Bipolar Depression Prescription Commercial

Any time that I’m home, my TV is turned on. I’m usually not watching what is actually on TV, it’s just background noise. There are so many commercials on TV that promote prescription drugs to help depression. I do believe in prescription medications, but I don’t like that some individuals, with no mental health experience, now tries to relate to what we go through with our diagnoses.

There’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. I don’t want anyone’s pity, but it would be nice to have others trying to understand. In my experience, only those that deal with the same things that I deal with, can understand how I feel. I don’t think it’s possible to truly understand what a person goes through unless you go through it as well. My family members do their best to understand what I deal with, and I greatly appreciate that because they do it without pitying me.

Reaching Out

I normally am not the person that reaches out to others, not to friends or family. So, I’ve decided that it is something I need to work on. I have friends that reach out to me, and I only sometimes respond to them. It’s important to be the one who reaches out first because I want my friends to know that I care about them. I feel the same way about reaching out to my family.

Even a simple text message let people know you are thinking about them. Sometimes, just a text message can ignite a conversation. It would be great to talk to friends and family, but it is sometimes extremely hard for me to send a text message. I’m going to write it on my to-do list; if it’s on my list, it will get done.

Cleaning Schedule

Yesterday, I cleaned the house. I try to do it once a week, but lately it’s been every 2 or 3 weeks, probably because of my depression. My cleaning routine starts by organizing and dusting everything, then cleaning the kitchen, then the bathrooms, then vacuuming, and finally mopping. I’ve tried to split up the tasks over a couple of days, but for some reason I feel as if it all needs to be done in one day. It takes about 4 to 5 hours to clean the whole house. Most of the problem is dog hair, which is everywhere.

I feel better when the house is clean and organized. I spend so much of my time in my house, I think it should be clean. I just wish the cleanliness would last longer. Between the dog hair and normal living, the shiny cleanliness only lasts a day or two.

I’m Not OCD, I’m Just Organized

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD and I don’t think that it’s something I have. Although, maybe I should mention it to my psychiatrist, I’ve never said anything about it to him before. I just like things organized. I have 2 drawers for filing documents; everything is arranged in alphabetical order. My clothes are arranged by type (tank top, t-shirt, etc) and by color. My spice cabinet is organized by name and by size of the bottle. I pretty much do this with everything, my books, DVDs, medicine cabinet, almost every cabinet, and the closets. I don’t see anything wrong with having each hanger one finger width apart. Each tank top has to be on the same exact type of hanger, and same goes for t-shirts, long-sleeve shirts, etc. Sometimes I must have things that organized, but other times I do okay knowing when things aren’t perfectly organized how I want them. I think of my organizational skills as a positive. Whenever something needs to be found, I know exactly where to find it.

Group Therapy From Support Groups

Group therapy is not something I like very much, but I am getting some of it from the depression support group I started going to. It’s great to get feedback from others who are going through the same type of situations. Having people understand what you’re dealing with is a nice change of pace. Trying to explain yourself to people can be exhausting.

As long as I am comfortable with the people in the group, then I would feel fine opening up to the other group members, but it takes quite a while for me to become comfortable with new people. I’m trying very hard with the new group I attend on Thursday nights. I’ve been there 3 times now and I plan to keep going, except for next week (my anniversary).

One of the things I struggle with at support groups is sitting still while others speak. I don’t mind listening to others at all, but I do have a hard time sitting still, especially if I’m dealing with anxiety. I tend to rock back and forth or fidget with my fingers. I try my hardest not to do that, but I do think that other group members understand how hard it is to sit down for 2 hours. At this point, I have committed to going to this new group, hoping that something positive can come out of it.

Depression and Personal Hygiene

One thing that is not often talked about is personal hygiene; however, it is something that can be a problem during depressive episodes. Sometimes, depression can get so bad that it is almost impossible to get out of bed or off the couch and take a shower. I admit that this is one of my struggles during the deeper parts of my depression. In fact, this was a problem just a couple of weeks ago. My mom was the one who helped me and got me to shower every day. She just kept talking to me about it, without any judgement. Once I was showering every day, it gave me the energy to complete other daily tasks.

Poor personal hygiene can frequently be a sign for a depressive episode. In my experience, I was unable to take care of myself. I also remember not being able to get up to feed the dog. Self neglect, or neglecting one’s daily tasks is not only a sign of depression, but it can also make the depression worse. It’s a vicious cycle, which can often make depression harder to get out of. I’m grateful that I have someone to lookout for me when I can’t lookout for myself. I hope that everyone has someone to help them through these difficult and embarrassing times.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Bipolar