I’m massively overwhelmed. I keep going from feeling nothing at all to feeling everything and crying. I have too much going on right now. I just closed on buying a house yesterday. I’m officially a homeowner, for the first time ever. I’m also dealing with my dog being sick and dying. There are many, many small things going on that I have to deal with in every aspect of life. I don’t know how to handle everything. Luckily, I have three weeks to move, so I can take my time and do it right. I’m going to take everything in life, one step at a time.
Category: Depression
ECT Today
I have my next ECT treatment in a couple of hours. I think they have been helping a little bit so far. Since I started the treatments, I am finally able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep throughout the night. Prior to restarting ECT, I was not able to fall asleep easily, and when I did fall asleep, I woke up within a couple of hours. The progress with my sleep is huge! I wonder what will change next because of the ECT treatments. It would be nice if it could help my depression. I guess I just have to wait and see.
Emotional Detachment?
I’ve been having a hard time staying in contact with friends lately. I think it’s my bipolar depression that makes me not want to connect with people; even when I want to connect with people, it’s a difficult activity. It takes a lot of work to stay in contact with people. Talking to people, whether they are family or friends, often feels like work, even when I’m talking to people who I want to talk to. It maybe something similar to emotional detachment, or it could be a reaction from my PTSD due to fear.
I do my best to stay in contact with a couple of people, such as my husband and mother. However, it gets harder and harder as time goes on. I’ve always been such a talker, so I find it weird that talking to people is so difficult for me. I notice that as time goes on, I talk to fewer people. Especially my friends; I let go of them when I’m struggling because it’s too much for me to manage. While I separate myself from them, I’m thinking of them often. When I’m doing better, I then try to reach out to my friends. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family members understand what I’m going through and they don’t judge me for separating myself from them.
Feeling Sad In The Rain
It doesn’t rain much in Phoenix. When it does rain, it’s weird. For example, it can rain on one side of the street but not on the other side. I tend to feel a little more depressed than normal when it rains. I think that may be part of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Since it doesn’t snow in Phoenix, rain is the closest we get to winter storms.
From mid-June until the end of September, Phoenix has what it calls monsoon season. That’s when we get about half of our yearly rainfall. It still rains outside of those dates, just not as much. It has been raining/sprinkling a lot this past week. I don’t like to go out in the rain, neither does my dog. So I stay in, even more than normal, which just adds to the depression. To get Cash to go outside, I have to put a jacket and boots on him. He hates getting wet. I have to force myself to get up and get out of the house. It’s not easy, but I know it’s not healthy to stay in all day every day.
My First Time Back To ECT
Today was my first time back to ECT. It really helped to have my husband there because I was pretty nervous. Everything went really well. I remember the doctor putting in my IV and then they put me to sleep. The next thing I know, they are bringing me out in a wheelchair. I don’t remember waking up in recovery at all. I’m in a little bit of pain, but not too horrible. It’s just my jaw that hurts, no headache or anything.
My next session is on Wednesday. It should have been on Friday, but the doctor is not there that day. So I had to move around a couple of other appointments to make everything work. I think the next time will be easier for me since I now know all of the doctors and nurses.
Feeling The Depression, Mentally and Physically
Today my depression is extremely bad. Moving at all, even just to get up and go to the bathroom, is more than difficult. My body hurts, my mind is sad, and I don’t believe that anything can help me, at least not today. I’m still waiting for ECT to call me to schedule my first session back with them. Waiting is so hard. ECT feels like my last hope, and it’s hard to have hope and wait at the same time. Hopefully, today will go by a little quicker than it has been.
I’ve been so busy for the past six days taking care of and worrying about my dog. Now that he’s improving, I no longer have to worry so much. He doesn’t require my full attention all of the time, and that allows the depression to get worse. My husband asked what I’m depressed about and I tried to explain that there’s no reason, it’s just a part of the bipolar disorder that I have. He didn’t quite explain, but he tries and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.
Getting Through Another Day
Today is feeling like just another day with depression. No matter what I’m doing, my thoughts are constantly wishing I wasn’t around. My mind keeps telling me a wide variety negative things. I try to find something that I enjoy doing to help me get through the day, I use my wellness toolbox. Today, I’m going to a Coyotes game. I love hockey and I love the Coyotes! We’re playing the LA Kings. Going to the games can be tough because they’re so crowded, but my husband helps me through it all. Only 4 hours until we leave to go to the game. I’m hoping I’ll feel even a little better once I’m watching the game.
Handling My Depression
I’m in the midst of another depression. Each day I just try to figure out how to make it through. I make a to-do list and try to get everything done on that list. Staying busy helps the days go by quicker, but actually doing anything is more than difficult. I can’t even find the right words to describe how hard it is to really do things. Yesterday was a decent day according to how active I was. I cleaned the whole house and did the laundry. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it did make the day go by faster.
However, today is not going as well. I’m having a hard time getting myself moving. I just don’t care that much about anything. But I am trying to put on a face; I don’t like showing the people around me how depressed I really am. So I put on a fake smile and talk like there is nothing wrong.
Depressed Isolation
I find myself isolating more and more. I feel the depression getting worse as each day goes by. I have no desire to talk to people, and when I do talk to people, it’s difficult. Writing is also difficult. I guess I just don’t have anything I think is worth sharing with others. That is not normal for me; that’s the depression. Usually, I’m a very talkative person, but now. Right now, I would prefer to stay home and do nothing, but that’s not always possible. I do the best I can when I’m out in public and when I’m talking to others, but it’s getting harder as each day passes.
Loved and Supported
My husband came home last night with a bouquet of flowers for me. He said he got them just because I wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to help me feel better. It definitely brought a huge smile to my face. My husband does this from time to time; when he thinks I need some cheering up or sometimes just because. I’m very lucky to have so much support. He’s always trying to look out for me.
In fact, my entire family supports me. This afternoon I received a card in the mail from my aunt. It was just to let me know that she supports me and loves me. It was the perfect card. It’s a good feeling knowing that my family supports me unconditionally. It helps with the depression.
My Side of the Pole 