A Bad Day

I’m still upset today about my doctor appointment yesterday. I’m feeling frustrated, shameful, disappointed (in myself), and pathetic. I think that the reason it bothers me so much is because it’s true. I know I’ve gained weight and I’m really struggling to lose it. The weight gain started when I went on Clozapine. I keep thinking about going off of it, but I have a feeling that my psychiatrist won’t like that choice. I don’t think I like that choice. I’m upset with my doctor because of how she talked to me, not what she talked to me about. And now I’m beating myself up about all of it. I wish I could just lose the weight, much easier said than done.

A Rough Doctor (PCP) Appointment

I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Putting Myself First

My step-son turns 25 today and my mother-in-law is throwing a last-minute party for him. I don’t like last-minute plans. Planning ahead helps me keep my anxiety down. The party is at 11:30, but I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:00am and blood work after that. I guess I will just show up late. Normally, I would reschedule my appointments, but I’m learning that I don’t have to drop everything every time someone invites me to something or asks me for help. I can take care of myself first. I have a hard time putting myself first, but the more I try, the easier it becomes.

A Good Psych Appointment

My psychiatrist appointment yesterday went really well. First of all, I love the fact that he is always on time, he never runs late. The only medication change is an increase in Cytomel, my thyroid medication, because my thyroid level is off in my last blood work. Other than that, my suicidal ideations are about the same, my anxiety is worse, and my depression is improving slightly. He also said that my twitching that happens because of the Lithium should not be getting any worse and is not a permanent side effect. That’s not that bad. I go back to see him in three months, unless I decide to retry ECT, which is not something I want to do at this point.

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I’m all ready for it; I have my list of things I want to talk to him already in my purse so I don’t forget it. Now, all I have to do is get through the appointment. I always wonder what he thinks of me. Does he think I’m ridiculous because there’s nothing that can help me regularly? Probably not; he is the one that diagnosed me as bipolar 1, rapid cycling and treatment resistant. I probably think I’m ridiculous more than other people do. I think those type of things about myself more than other people do. Well, here’s to hoping the appointment goes well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

A Busier Week

While last week was very slow due to having only one appointment, this coming week is going to be a busy one. I have appointments Monday through Thursday. It feels as if I’m making up for the lack of doctor appointments this past week. I just wish I could even out my appointments so I don’t have weeks where I’m overloaded, like this upcoming week.

I’m going to need time to get ready for my upcoming trip. It will take some extra work since I’m traveling with my husband, I’ll have to plan and pack for two. I can’t wait for this upcoming vacation to visit my Mom and the rest of the family. We will be gone for eight days, so I have to get everything done that I would normally do during that time at home. I think life is going to be pretty busy in general until vacation comes, but it’s all worth it.

An Easier Week

This week has been the slowest week I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve only had one doctor’s appointment this week, it was this past Wednesday. That appointment, therapy, went pretty well. Normally, life is only this slow when I go away on vacation. I normally have multiple doctor’s appointments and other engagements throughout each week. Having such a slow week has thrown off my routine. I like it, but it’s different from normal, and different can be difficult.

The free time has given me the opportunity to start working out again. I’ve worked out at home and at the gym on my free days, which for this week has been often. I’m glad that I was able to do something positive with my free time.

Out of Control Thinking

Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.

I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.

List For My Doctor

I made a list of the things that I need to talk to my psychiatrist about at my appointment with him next week.

Racing thoughts
Stomach problems
Suicidal ideations
I’m no longer sleeping all day long
Greatly increased anxiety, causing breathing issues
My feet hurt in the morning, not sure if it’s a side effect
Twitching is happening more often and in more than just my hands
Having a harder time getting tasks done, possibly a lack of motivation

I know I’m forgetting some things, but this is a descent start to making a list. I know that if I don’t write it down, I won’t remember to bring it up in the appointment. Most of these have easy solutions, so I’m not too worried at the moment.

Sick and Tired of Treating My Mental Illness

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder at a young age. I was 14 the first time I started treatment for mental health issues. It was my first visit to an inpatient behavioral health hospital. I have taken medication every day ever since that time in January of 1999 at the age of 14. I know that I will be on medication for the rest of my life; I don’t time mind as much when the medication is working. Bipolar is a treatable disorder, but it’s easier to treat for some than it is for others. My diagnosis includes treatment-resistant bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. I give it all I’ve got, to treat my bipolar disorder.

No matter what, I do the best I can to feel okay with my current status, as long as I’m always working towards a healthy state. For me, that means taking my meds as my psychiatrist prescribes, going to support groups, communicating with friends and family, going to talk therapy appointments, and following all suggestions by doctors. I always do what I’m supposed to do, and I am sick and tired of doing it. Especially when what I’m doing isn’t effective or helping me in the way it’s supposed to.

I work hard every day and it feels as if my efforts go unnoticed by my bipolar disorder. I wish I could just stop my meds and I would somehow slip into a healthy state of mind, but I don’t have luck like that. Instead, I’m the kind of person whose mind and body would lose any mental status they had. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. Of course it’s going to be exhausting from time to time, and of course I’m going to want to give up now and then, but every time, I will remind myself that I am far better off than I am without the treatments. One day, the treatments and everything will work. I will finally get the break that I need.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Doctor Appointments