Cash Is Feeling Sick

I had to take my dog, Cash, to the emergency vet earlier today. Cash was having problems walking, his temperature was 2 degrees low, his gums were pale, his abdomen was enlarged, and he refused to eat dog food or treats (even when they were brought to him). I waited, for what felt like hours (but it was really only 45 minutes), and the vet came into the room to tell me about the results of the tests. It turns out that his blood work shows him as anemic, with some type of big infection (his WBC is twice what it should be), a tumor near his abdomen, and there is also some lose fluid in the abdomen.

I’m so worried about him. He’s 11 years old, I’m not sure if he can make it through this. I’m sleeping out in the living room with him this evening. I’m worried that this will be his last night tonight. Tomorrow, I will be bringing him and all of the tests/paperwork back to my regular vet. I feel more comfortable seeing how it goes with my regular vet (who knows Cash very well). I’m hoping for some better news, but I’m not counting on it. I’m going to stick by his side so he’s not alone. It’s bad enough that he’s in pain, I don’t want him to be alone either. The employees at vet that I went to, were extremely helpful, polite, and nice.

I Spoke At A Meeting Today

The noon meeting I went to today went very well. There were only about 10 people there. I didn’t know any of them, so it was a bit nerve-wracking, but it was much better than a meeting with 50 or 75 people. It was an open meeting, with the subject of ‘One day at a time’. Near the end of the meeting, I spoke up by choice. When sharing, I decided to open up about how I’m nervous coming to meetings because I get nervous around people. Afterwards, one of the guys from the meeting came up to me and thanked me for sharing about my nervousness. He said that he feels that way too, but people don’t usually talk about it. He thanked me for my honesty and openness.

This is definitely a huge step forward for me. I can’t wait to tell my therapist and psychiatrist about what I did today. It’s a big sign that the Clozapine and the ECT are absolutely working. I’m going to try to keep going to at least a few meetings a week. Hopefully, I will find smaller meetings to go to so I feel more comfortable. Maybe I’ll even make friends with some of these people.

Trying Another Meeting

I’ve been thinking of going to another meeting today; however, the meetings I’ve been going to tend to get so crowded that I get uncomfortable. That’s why I thought I would change it up a bit and try going to the noon meeting. I’ve been to it before, so it’s not completely new for me, and there are generally less people at the noon meeting then there are at the 6pm meeting. It’s worth a shot, I should at least try it. If, for some reason, I’m uncomfortable, I can always leave. I’ll let you all know how the meeting goes.

Anxiety Level Rising – Fears About Treatment

My anxiety finally started to lessen after my psych appointment yesterday. I think it’s the fact that I now have a plan of action regarding my bipolar depression. Today, I’m going to call and make an appointment with my PCP to get a physical, EKG, and blood work, which is required for me to start ECT again (because of the anesthesia). However, my anxiety started to rise again late last night. I think that now it’s the fear of going back to ECT.

What if it doesn’t work? Is there anything that can help me (and have it last for more than a few months)? What if it does work? Will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Will the medications he’s going to give me for the memory loss and migraines/jaw pain actually work? There are so many questions in my mind that will only be answered with time.

Confrontation Intimidates Me

I don’t like disagreements, fights, altercations, disputes, or arguments of any kind. I get extremely uncomfortable in any type of confrontations. There are many arguments that occur without yelling. Sometimes there are just harsh yet passive aggressive remarks. When confrontations occur, my anxiety quickly starts as I usually end up getting very quiet and try to find somewhere that private and without noise. I don’t respond well to others at that time.

I really need to learn how to handle confrontations. I need to stand up for myself at times, and also admit when I’m wrong.

Saying No – My Biggest Difficulty

It seems that I don’t know how to say no to anyone or anything. This time, it is affecting my husband. I tried to explain to him how difficult it is for me, but I don’t think he understood (not for a lack of trying). This is something that I really need to work on, but for some reason I haven’t found the right time to try it. Every time I come close to saying no to someone/something, I have an anxiety attack and freeze up. It becomes literally impossible for me to say no. I wonder if I’ll ever get over this. I suppose it’s one of my biggest fears.

A Problem Running Errands

The only errand I had yesterday was to go grocery shopping and get my prescriptions. I didn’t time things well, I ended up going to the store right after most people get out of work, but I thought the store would be slower than normal due to Veteran’s Day. If anything, the store was busier than normal, but I handled it.

As I was leaving the store a guy who appeared to be in his early 20s was in front of me. It felt as if he was trying to hide behind my cart, which made me very uncomfortable. Then two managers from the store came out and asked the guy to come back in the store. The guy automatically started saying, “I didn’t do anything, what do you want?” He was acting very guilty and the employees had to physically force the guy back into the store. I walked away as quickly as possible. I have no clue why I was so uncomfortable and fearful. Why did that situation bother me so much?

I never stole anything before. Growing up in a family that had their own independent pharmacy, there were always people stealing from the store. My dad didn’t press charges on kids/teenagers. Instead, he made them work off what they owed Maybe, what happened today is just reminding me of my childhood.

Barking Dog

I’m home alone, while my husband is at work, and my dog, Cash, keeps barking. Every time he barks it freaks me out, especially since he’s normally so quiet. Each time he barks I get up and show him that no one is outside, the front door and the back. He calms down for a little bit, but he keeps barking about 5 minutes later. The same thing happens over and over with no one and nothing there.

I deal with auditory hallucinations regularly. When I’m at home and I hear things, I look Cash for security. If there was actually something there, he would recognize the sound and and bark at it. There’s almost never anything, so I calm down and go back to whatever I was doing. However, this evening, since Cash is barking at almost everything, I’m very anxious. I can’t wait for my husband to get home from work. I’ll feel a lot better then.

No, Not The Post Office

I have to go to the post office today to mail some paperwork. Normally, I can weigh it at home, put on some stamps, and stick it in our mailbox. However, this package weights about 10 ounces, it’s too heavy for stamps. I really hate the post office. It’s a trigger that causes anxiety attacks. It’s always so busy and crazy. There’s a huge line every time I’ve been there. I’m hoping my husband will go to the post office for me. He’s done it before, maybe he won’t mind doing it again. He knows that it’s a trigger for me.

The post office in the town where I grew up is nothing like the post office in the city here. The longest line I ever stood in at my hometown post office was 2 people. There are a lot of benefits of living in a small town, right now I miss that.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Fear