Anxiety Level Rising – Fears About Treatment

My anxiety finally started to lessen after my psych appointment yesterday. I think it’s the fact that I now have a plan of action regarding my bipolar depression. Today, I’m going to call and make an appointment with my PCP to get a physical, EKG, and blood work, which is required for me to start ECT again (because of the anesthesia). However, my anxiety started to rise again late last night. I think that now it’s the fear of going back to ECT.

What if it doesn’t work? Is there anything that can help me (and have it last for more than a few months)? What if it does work? Will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Will the medications he’s going to give me for the memory loss and migraines/jaw pain actually work? There are so many questions in my mind that will only be answered with time.

Motivation

It’s so hard to get motivated lately. I got home from vacation and all my motivation is gone. There’s so much to do and I can’t seem to get myself to do it. I need to reorganize my closet; t-shirts come out and sweaters go in. I have to pick up prescriptions, I need to make an appointment at the vet so my dog can get a shot and a bath. I also need to contact my new prescription drug company and clean the house. Every time I get one thing done, it feels like I find two more things I need to do.

How can I get motivated? Normally, to-do lists work great for me. However, the past couple days I’ve been struggling to even make to-do lists. I’m getting a couple little things done, but I keep avoiding the big stuff like my closet.

Saying No – My Biggest Difficulty

It seems that I don’t know how to say no to anyone or anything. This time, it is affecting my husband. I tried to explain to him how difficult it is for me, but I don’t think he understood (not for a lack of trying). This is something that I really need to work on, but for some reason I haven’t found the right time to try it. Every time I come close to saying no to someone/something, I have an anxiety attack and freeze up. It becomes literally impossible for me to say no. I wonder if I’ll ever get over this. I suppose it’s one of my biggest fears.

Rough Day By Myself

Yesterday was a rough day. I couldn’t get myself to do almost anything. I did force myself to do a couple of things, but I had a lot more on my to-do list that did not get done. Normally, I do much better when I’m home by myself, but yesterday was not one of those days. Maybe it was my way of letting go of all the buildup from Thanksgiving. However, I have a family reunion tomorrow that I need to mentally prepare for. I will be cooking in the morning so I can bring some food with me to the get-together. I will be meeting some people for the first time. This is very anxiety provoking. I’m very thankful for Valium.

I have to really push myself harder. There’s only a couple of more days until I leave for Connecticut. I’m half ecstatic and half stressed/overwhelmed. I guess I’m worried about the unknown. That’s almost always what I worry about. Maybe I need to focus more on what I do know and less about the unknown.

Is It A Lack Of Motivation?

I’m having a hard time getting things done lately, with the exception of yesterday. Every task, no matter now big or small, seems to be almost impossible. Every time I find out that there’s something new I need to do, it feels as if someone is squeezing my chest through my ribs, and my breathing gets harder. It only lasts a couple of minutes, but it’s very annoying. They’re not as bad as my regular anxiety attacks, but they are somewhat similar.

I am still able to get things done, but not without difficulty. Is it just a lack of motivation that I’m dealing with? Is it part of the depression I’m going through? Am I simply on overload right now? Who knows, but it’s time for me to force myself to get some things done today. Hopefully I will have more days like yesterday. I had to force myself to do a lot of tasks, but I was very productive.

Thanksgiving Is Coming

I just realized that Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It’s next Thursday, November 24th. I don’t even know where I will be spending the holiday this year. My husband’s family take turn hosting holidays, thank goodness my house is too small to host a big holiday like that. I’m going to miss being at my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. I always loved it so much; it was the perfect amount of love, laughter, family, and nuttiness. I know all of that will be at Thanksgiving at my in-law’s house, but it won’t be the same as what I grew up with.

It’s time that I start preparing for the holiday. I need to find out where it is and who might be coming. I just want to know how big the holiday celebration will be. I want to prepare myself as much as possible so I can have a good time at Thanksgiving dinner. The more I know, the more comfortable I may feel.

A Busier Week

While last week was very slow due to having only one appointment, this coming week is going to be a busy one. I have appointments Monday through Thursday. It feels as if I’m making up for the lack of doctor appointments this past week. I just wish I could even out my appointments so I don’t have weeks where I’m overloaded, like this upcoming week.

I’m going to need time to get ready for my upcoming trip. It will take some extra work since I’m traveling with my husband, I’ll have to plan and pack for two. I can’t wait for this upcoming vacation to visit my Mom and the rest of the family. We will be gone for eight days, so I have to get everything done that I would normally do during that time at home. I think life is going to be pretty busy in general until vacation comes, but it’s all worth it.

Out of Control Thinking

Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.

I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.

Heavy Thoughts

I woke up after only a few hours of sleep; my mind was wandering like it always does. Thoughts are going in and out of my brain, covering all different topics and raising questions that I don’t know the answer to. Instead of laying in bed and trying to go back to sleep, I give in to the racing thoughts and go out to the couch. I turn on the TV to help me drone out the racing thoughts that I can’t manage.

Normally, I can fall back asleep once I’m on the couch because of the TV background noise, but this time I have no luck. The air feels dense, my thoughts feel heavy. Every thought adds weight to my mind. I finally give up on falling back asleep, so that removes one of the many thoughts. I can’t give up on anything else, so I just have to fight my way through.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Overwhelmed