Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.
My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.
I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.
I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.
I have been on disability for many years. I have thought about going back to work, so I discussed the idea with my therapist. When I do go back to work, I would need to start slow, probably with only about 10 hours a week, and I would need to work from home. I brought this idea up to my therapist, and he did not like it. He doesn’t think I’m ready to go back to work.
I miss the feeling of satisfaction that you get from working. I know I’ll go back to work some day, at least I hope so, I just don’t know when.
I’m so overly tired the past couple of days. When I’m watching TV, I tend to fall asleep on the couch for hours. Yesterday, I fell asleep for 1 1/2 hours on the couch. I woke up, did a few things, and then fell back asleep for another 2 hours. Then, I slept for 8 hours through the night. I feel like I could sleep for 16 hours a day. I think that my medications might be one of the reasons I’m so tired, although none of my meds have changed. The other reason is because of all the stress.
I try to keep moving. When I’m moving, I can’t fall asleep. I’ve tried to drink energy drinks, but those only seem to last for about an hour or so. I don’t drink coffee, but maybe I should start.
I had another session of ECT last week. My doctor, Dr Espinoza, asked me again if I wanted to switch to once a week instead of once every other week. When I turned him down on that option, he asked me I had any interest in IV Ketamine. I turned that option down very quickly. I know IV Ketamine is a lot different from using Ketamine to get high, but it brings back memories. I told him why I’m so against IV Ketamine. The last time I used it to get high, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend (he asked me to marry him; I’m sure we would have gone through with it, but I doubt that it would have lasted; that’s just how it goes with relationships based on drugs). Then, less than 24 hours after I got home, the cops were at my door to question me. My boyfriend/fiance was killed in a drug deal gone bad. I don’t want to remind myself of that horrible event and the many others that I went through while on drugs.
I’m not doing too much better, but there has been improvement since my last two ECT treatments. I explained to Dr Espinoza that I got a new dog and I think he will be helping me get through this rough time. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I’ve decided that if I don’t improve enough within the next four weeks, then I will go back to weekly ECT treatments. Hopefully that doesn’t have to happen.
I’m feeling better about taking care of my husband. Just a day or two ago, I was all stressed out and worried about not knowing what’s wrong with my husband and about being the one to take care of him. I was worried that I couldn’t take care of him well enough. However, with the help of some of my followers and my family, I now know that I can take care of. My job is not to diagnose him or fix him. My job is to love him, take care of him, and make sure he complies with doctor’s orders. It may not be an easy task, but it is something I can do. I want to thank everyone that helped me to feel better about this situation, I couldn’t have done this without you.
On another story, last night, we had Achilles sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, and it went very well. He didn’t make one noise, he slept soundly. We are going to continue having him sleep in our bedroom, in his crate, for a while, until he gets more comfortable in our home. I’m afraid that if we have him sleep in our room, outside of his crate, we’ll trip over him when we get up. He definitely has separation anxiety.
I have been sleeping on the couch for the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to leave Achilles alone in the living room. He’s not allowed on the furniture (we put pie plates up on the couch to keep him off of it). Two nights ago, he jumped up on the couch, despite the pie plates, and woke me up. We decided that he would have to sleep in the crate.
Last night, he slept in his crate and I slept in my bed for the first time in two weeks. I woke up at 4:30am and let him out because he was making a lot of noise. I decided to use the bathroom and then I would let him outside. When I came out of the bathroom, he had gotten sick all over the carpet. So I’ve spent most of my morning cleaning up the white carpet. It’s not an easy task.
The past few days have been pretty rough. My husband hasn’t been feeling well, and we don’t know what’s wrong. At first, we thought it was just the flu. Some blood work came back, and we’re afraid it may be an autoimmune disease, liver disease, or something else more serious. So now, we’re waiting for more blood test results. I hate waiting.
The past few days have been hard for me, even though I’m not the one that’s ill. I keep trying to find ways to help my husband feel better, but there’s nothing that I can do to help. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 or 13. He was pretty sick fairly often, especially from chemo and dialysis. I remember hanging around my dad when he was sick and feeling completely useless. He wasn’t feeling well and there was nothing I could do to help. That same feeling is coming back now. My husband isn’t feeling well, and nothing I do is helping.