Tag: Bipolar

Fixing The Numbness

Fixing The Numbness

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been feeling numb for the past few weeks; that nothing seems to matter to me anymore. He responded to me by telling me that he has seen some patients feel numb once they achieve a therapeutic level of Clozapine while they are also on Mirapex. He said that the Mirapex can act like an antidepressant and cause emotional flattening. He said that the technical term for it is alexithymia.

I’m going to cut my dose of Mirapex in half for the next week, and then I will go off of it completely. My doctor said that should help within about two weeks. If that doesn’t help, then he wants to reconsider ECT, which I really do not want to do. Fingers crossed for this medication change to help.

Emotionless

Emotionless

I don’t feel like myself. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. I’m numb, emotionless, disconnected. I can’t figure out if this is better or worse than feeling the depths of depression. I’m still able to fake being ‘okay’ when I need to, but pretending is exhausting. It takes everything I’ve got to put on a fake smile and talk to others.

I keep moving forward, one step at a time. I have no clue how I do it or how I continue to get things done. I spend most of my days alone while my husband is at work. Being alone is so much easier for me than being around people. Every once in a while, I get urges of frustration. I vent for a minute and then it’s back to feeling nothing.

Blood Work Updates

Blood Work Updates

Since the beginning of April, I have had to get my blood work done every week due to the Clozapine that I take. However, that won’t last much longer. Starting in October, which will be after completing six months of weekly blood work, I finally get to switch to doing my blood work every other week for the following six months. After that, I get to do my blood work on a monthly basis.

This will make my life much easier going forward. I know I should be excited about this, it is an exciting thing, but I just don’t feel excited. Probably because I’ve been numb to most things lately.

Pretending

Pretending

I’ve realized that I’m very good at pretending to be alright. I’m not trying to be strong. Most of the time, it’s just easier to pretend to be okay than it is to express how I’m really feeling. I think that’s because I don’t know how I’m actually feeling. I’m stuck between several different emotions and no emotions at the same time. I know that pretending I’m okay when I’m not cannot last forever.

At some point, my emotions will come rushing back to me. It seems that I either have every emotion or no emotions, there’s no balance for me. That’s how it goes with bipolar disorder. When that happens, I know that I have a lot of support from my family and friends.

Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Do you ever feel stuck? As if no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing will end up working out in your favor? That’s how I feel right now. There are too many things going on in life and I’m having a hard time processing them all. I’m emotionally numb; uncomfortably numb (not because of drugs, because of my mental health).

I’m weighed down with life in general. I feel like a failure; like I keep doing the wrong thing. I just want a break from all of the doctor appointments for a little while. I want a break from not knowing how I feel and not knowing how to respond when people ask me how I’m doing. Even my therapist has told me that I’m much quieter than I used to be, I’m not talking very much. That’s just because I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to say.

Physical and Mental Health

Physical and Mental Health

As if I didn’t have enough issues already, I went to my primary care doctor yesterday because my cholesterol is high. Now I have to add a new medication to my current large list of meds. I was told that one of my meds is most likely causing my cholesterol to rise, but no one told me which medication is causing this problem. I think it might be the Clozapine, but that’s just a guess.

It’s getting difficult managing both my mental health and my physical health at the same time. I have also developed some myoclonic jerks, most likely from the Lithium that I take. They’re manageable right now, as long as it doesn’t get worse.

World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is the World Suicide Prevention Day. I have been dealing with suicidal ideations for most of the past year. Besides taking my medication, the thing that has been the most helpful is communicating. It really seems to help when I talk or write about what’s going on with me. I remind myself that my life will continue to have ups and downs. I think that one good thing about having bipolar disorder is that I won’t feel depressed forever. Things will change, nothing is forever. Connect. Communicate. Care.

Emotionally Unbalanced

Emotionally Unbalanced

Not knowing how you feel can be exhausting. For me, I spend chunks of time trying to figure out how I’m feeling, just to end up realizing that I’m depressed, lonely, or confused. I don’t have much to say anymore, to my friends, family, therapist, or even to myself. I don’t have much to write about. How am I supposed to respond to people when they ask me how I’m doing? I feel like I’m lost inside of myself. I usually have way too many emotions to deal with at one time, or no emotions at all that I can recognize. I can’t find a happy medium. It would be nice if I could come close to an emotional balance, but I have no clue how to even begin that course of action.

Overwhelmed and About To Burn Out

Overwhelmed and About To Burn Out

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Too much is going on already. Then I have people asking me for my help, and I can’t say no. I want to be able to help, but I need to learn to set some sort of boundaries. Why is it so difficult to say no to people? I think I just need to schedule my life a little better.

I have too many doctor appointments, it’s very frustrating. Right now, I have to get blood work done every week, but that won’t last much longer. In October, I should only be getting my blood work done every other week. Maybe that will help with this feeling of being overwhelmed.