Tag: Bipolar

Vacation is Coming… Soon

Vacation is Coming… Soon

As I prepare to go on vacation, I feel excitement begin to flow through my body. Very soon, I will be sitting on the beach and actually relaxing. I’ve made checklists of everything that has to get done before I leave. I have already counted all my meds and refilled the ones that would have run out while I’m away. I’ve started trying on some clothes to figure out what I want to pack. I was worried that trying on clothes would be difficult because of my weight gain, but more clothes fit me than I thought would. What a nice surprise!

I have to make sure everything gets done over the next couple of days. It’s a lot to do, but it will be a stressful vacation if I don’t get everything done that needs to be done while I’m away. I’m looking forward to relaxing. Part of me wonders if I even know how to relax anymore. Soon, when my view is the picture above, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to let go a little and relax.

Getting Ready To Prepare For Vacation

Getting Ready To Prepare For Vacation

The past few days have been very difficult. Last week, I felt like I was passing time and going through the motions. Now, I seem to be fighting to get through each moment. I think it’s because I know I’m about to go on vacation. I know that I struggle when my schedule changes. However, my schedule hasn’t even changed yet. I’m just caught up trying to prepare for vacation. There’s too much to get done. I feel overwhelmed, like I’m drowning. But I do know that it will all work out; I just need to hang on and stay organized.

I have so much to do before I leave for vacation. It starts with making a packing list, and then a to-do list of all the errands and tasks I need to get done. I love to-do lists. If it’s not written down, then it’s not going to get done. I will probably start all of that tomorrow. The biggest task is figuring out all my medications for the trip. I’ll be gone for 10 days, and it would not be good if I run out of meds.

Passing Time

Passing Time

Lately, it feels as though I am just passing time. I’m just trying to get through life; for the time being, it has been more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a clock tick over and over and not get anywhere. I want the days to go by quicker, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help.

I’ve bottled up my emotions for such a long time. I’m finally beginning to express how I feel, but it doesn’t seem to make anything easier. In fact, time seems to be going by slower. I wish I could fast forward through parts of life.It feels as if all I do I go to doctor appointments and take my medication. There has to be more to life than that. This gets so lonely.

Last Night’s Dream

Last Night’s Dream

I’ve been having nightmares lately. They’re so vivid that when I wake up, it takes me a while to figure out what is and is not real. Last night, it was sort of in between a nightmare and a dream. It wasn’t bad, just a little sad and very different from normal. I was dreaming about owning a horse and having to work at the barn to pay for the boarding. Then suddenly, I broke a leg and couldn’t do anything. I lost my horse, but even worse, all of my friends from that part of my life stopped talking to me. I was alone. The next thing I know, I woke up and was sad. It took about a minute to realize that my dream was not real. Normally my nightmares have me waking up crying and/or terrified. This was far from that, but it was memorable.

Expressing Anger

Expressing Anger

I generally hide certain emotions, especially anger, even though I know it’s not helping me. I used to get drink and get high when I couldn’t handle my anger. Over the years, I’ve taught myself to downplay my anger so it didn’t have as big of an effect on me as it used to. I thought this was working, but I now know that I was just avoiding problems instead of dealing with them. All problems need to be dealt with at some point.

I have so much going on in my life right now. I became so overwhelmed yesterday and I finally admitted that I was angry; I said it out loud. It felt really good to say it out loud and express my emotions; it actually lessened my anger. I should have done it a long time ago. I’m hoping that I learned something from this experience.

I started another medication yesterday for my bladder disorder. It seems that my medication list is going to keep getting bigger. I was told that I have to take this medication on an empty stomach and I take it twice a day. I already have a medication that I take with food twice a day. I think that the new medication is what pushed me over the edge yesterday. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Hopefully the new medication will work, but it will take time.

Prescription Assistance Program Denial

Prescription Assistance Program Denial

This evening, I brought the trash and recycling outside. On my way in, I checked the mailbox; there was some junk mail and a letter from Johnson & Johnson Prescription Assistance Program. I’ve been waiting for this letter. I held it in my hand as I walked quickly to get inside my house so I could open it and hopefully find out that they accepted my application.

I opened the letter quickly and started reading. It says, “Thank you for applying to our Patient Assistance Program…Unfortunately, after carefully reviewing your application, we’ve determined that you do not meet the eligibility requirements at this time…” The second I read the word “Unfortunately” I knew they were rejecting my application. This is very upsetting for me. The medication is for a bladder condition I have called interstitial cystitis. It’s very painful and causes many bladder problems. The medication was going to give me the possibility of no longer doing installations (catheterization to insert medication directly into the bladder). I do these installations every week.

The medication costs $500 to $800 per month without insurance. With my insurance coverage, it costs $230 per month. While the insurance does cover quite a bit of the cost, there’s still a lot left to be taken care of, especially since it would be in addition to all of my psychiatric medications. The letter gave several reasons why they may have denied my application. The only one that seems to fit is that you need to be uninsured for the prescription product needed. Even though my coverage for this medication is crappy, it’s still there, and that’s what they are basing their decision on.

This sucks, and is ridiculous (sorry, just venting). This is not the answer I was looking for, but I will have to deal with it. Maybe I’ll try the medication for a couple of months to find out if it would even work. If it does work and I want to continue taking it, then I can figure out how to deal with it at that time. If it doesn’t work, then there’s no reason to be stressed and upset about it. I’m going to have to think about it for a little while before making a decision.

 

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

I am a worrier. In any situation, my mind usually thinks of all the things that could go wrong. I worry about my family, my friends, my dog, my own life, and the future; so, to sum it up, I worry about almost everything. Worrying takes up a lot of my energy. I wish I was able to control it, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful at that. However, I am getting better at it.

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital today. The doctors ruled out a stroke, but they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. They admitted her to the ICU; she is not in critical condition, they just felt that they could monitor her better there. When I first found out, I was thinking that I should fly home so I could be there with her, for my benefit, not hers. Luckily, I was able to talk myself down into thinking reasonably. I know that my mom would let me know if I needed to come home.

Feeling concerned about someone or something is one thing, but obsessive worrying is taking it too far. Most of the emotions I feel are to the extreme; I need to learn to find balance. I didn’t call my mom 10 times today to see how things were going. I called one and sent a couple of text messages. I’m learning how to handle my emotions and conduct myself in difficult situations. My first reaction is never the right or appropriate one, but, with a lot of work, I can talk myself through rough circumstances.

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week or so, and when that happens my mind tends to wander. I tend to worry, and of course every noise my house makes freaks me out. I feel so vulnerable, it’s from my PTSD. I think about when I first got sober, the long-term rehab I was in required that we take martial arts, among many other activities. I loved it! I worked hard at it, and in just about a year’s time, I was able to graduate to from a white belt to a blue belt. I really miss it. It gave me more confidence, and most importantly, it helped me feel safe when I was alone.

I’ve been thinking about joining some type of martial arts or self-defense class. It might take me many months to actually do, but I started thinking about it. I even brought it up to my husband last night. He reminded me that the main reason I stopped doing martial arts was because of the pain in my knees and hips, which I completely forgot about thanks to ECT. This was before my knee surgery. I know it’s really hard on my body, but it may be worth a try. I think a self-defense class would be easier on me physically.

I might start researching the different places I could go to. A one-on-one self-defense class is probably the least anxiety-provoking and intimidating. I get extremely nervous in groups. If I feel comfortable down the road, I can always join a martial arts program. Who knows what will happen, anything’s possible.

 

Unable To Sleep

Unable To Sleep

Lately, my nighttime meds kick in within about 20 or 30 minutes and I’m asleep quickly and easily. Tonight is anything but quick and easy. I was just laying in bed waiting for the meds to start working. After an hour of laying in bed without the ability to fall asleep or even be the slightest bit tired, I gave up, took my pillow, and went out to the living room couch. Sometimes, just changing my scenery helps.

So far, no improvement. In fact, I’m a bit jumpy. I’ve seen some flashing lights racing by my house and a lot of dogs are barking (thank goodness my dog is completely silent). I get nervous when I’m alone. My husband is asleep, so I count this as being home alone. So maybe a change of scenery has been counterproductive this time; maybe I should go back to bed soon.

In the mean time, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I recently had a couple of medication changes, which could be a big factor with my sleep problems. I’m exhausted during the days and awake at night. This may be something I should mention to my psychiatrist.