Preparing For My Appointment

Yesterday went well. I got everything done that I wanted to and I was able to visit with my friend. It really helps to be able to talk to someone who completely understands what I deal with on a daily basis. I slept fairly well again last night. I only one up once in the middle of the night and I was able to fall back asleep in about 30 minutes.

I’m preparing for my appointment with my psychiatrist that I have on Wednesday. I’ve written down all my questions for him. During my appointment I plan to stay calm and listen to what he has to say. I know he has my best interests in mind. I have a feeling I will be going back on ECT. I’m not excited about that, but I am open to it if he thinks that it will help me. Treatments and medications usually work for me for the first year or so, but then they stop working. It’s a pattern I’ve seen in lots of the treatments/meds that I try. That’s another thing that I plan on asking my doctor about.

Ultimatum From My Doctor

Today has been unusually rough. I reached out to my psychiatrist because I wanted to change my meds. Specifically, I want to get off of the Clozapine and possibly try IV Ketamine. However, his response was not as I hoped it to be. Basically, it was an ultimatum. Either I go back on ECT or possibly try IV Ketamine, but it would be in addition to Clozapine. If I go off of Clozapine, he will no longer be my psychiatrist; he would only continue to see me for 30 days or until I find a new doctor.

I’m going to come up with a list of questions to ask him at our next appointment on January 11th. My husband will be coming with me. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m off to go see a Coyotes game; hopefully that will make me feel a little better.

A Bad Day

I’m still upset today about my doctor appointment yesterday. I’m feeling frustrated, shameful, disappointed (in myself), and pathetic. I think that the reason it bothers me so much is because it’s true. I know I’ve gained weight and I’m really struggling to lose it. The weight gain started when I went on Clozapine. I keep thinking about going off of it, but I have a feeling that my psychiatrist won’t like that choice. I don’t think I like that choice. I’m upset with my doctor because of how she talked to me, not what she talked to me about. And now I’m beating myself up about all of it. I wish I could just lose the weight, much easier said than done.

A Rough Doctor (PCP) Appointment

I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Putting Myself First

My step-son turns 25 today and my mother-in-law is throwing a last-minute party for him. I don’t like last-minute plans. Planning ahead helps me keep my anxiety down. The party is at 11:30, but I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:00am and blood work after that. I guess I will just show up late. Normally, I would reschedule my appointments, but I’m learning that I don’t have to drop everything every time someone invites me to something or asks me for help. I can take care of myself first. I have a hard time putting myself first, but the more I try, the easier it becomes.

A Good Psych Appointment

My psychiatrist appointment yesterday went really well. First of all, I love the fact that he is always on time, he never runs late. The only medication change is an increase in Cytomel, my thyroid medication, because my thyroid level is off in my last blood work. Other than that, my suicidal ideations are about the same, my anxiety is worse, and my depression is improving slightly. He also said that my twitching that happens because of the Lithium should not be getting any worse and is not a permanent side effect. That’s not that bad. I go back to see him in three months, unless I decide to retry ECT, which is not something I want to do at this point.

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I’m all ready for it; I have my list of things I want to talk to him already in my purse so I don’t forget it. Now, all I have to do is get through the appointment. I always wonder what he thinks of me. Does he think I’m ridiculous because there’s nothing that can help me regularly? Probably not; he is the one that diagnosed me as bipolar 1, rapid cycling and treatment resistant. I probably think I’m ridiculous more than other people do. I think those type of things about myself more than other people do. Well, here’s to hoping the appointment goes well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

A Busier Week

While last week was very slow due to having only one appointment, this coming week is going to be a busy one. I have appointments Monday through Thursday. It feels as if I’m making up for the lack of doctor appointments this past week. I just wish I could even out my appointments so I don’t have weeks where I’m overloaded, like this upcoming week.

I’m going to need time to get ready for my upcoming trip. It will take some extra work since I’m traveling with my husband, I’ll have to plan and pack for two. I can’t wait for this upcoming vacation to visit my Mom and the rest of the family. We will be gone for eight days, so I have to get everything done that I would normally do during that time at home. I think life is going to be pretty busy in general until vacation comes, but it’s all worth it.

An Easier Week

This week has been the slowest week I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve only had one doctor’s appointment this week, it was this past Wednesday. That appointment, therapy, went pretty well. Normally, life is only this slow when I go away on vacation. I normally have multiple doctor’s appointments and other engagements throughout each week. Having such a slow week has thrown off my routine. I like it, but it’s different from normal, and different can be difficult.

The free time has given me the opportunity to start working out again. I’ve worked out at home and at the gym on my free days, which for this week has been often. I’m glad that I was able to do something positive with my free time.

Out of Control Thinking

Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.

I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Doctor Appointments