Off To The Airport

I’m all packed and ready to go. My ride will be here soon and then I’m off to the airport. All of the sudden, my nerves are kicking up. I’m afraid that anything could go wrong. What if I don’t make it to the airport on time? What if I miss my flight? Will I be able to find a comfortable spot to sit down while I’m at the airport? Will I end up sitting next to someone who is polite or annoying? There are so many thoughts and possibilities bouncing around in my mind. I don’t know the answer to any of them. No one knows the answer, until they actually happen.

I’m trying to figure out when to take my first Valium for the day. It’s an entire day of flying for me, which means I want to make sure my Valium lasts as long as possible. The one thing that’s making me feel better is that I know at the end of the day, I will be with my mom. That makes everything better. I can’t wait to give her a hug. She makes all of the airport crap worth it.

Well, it’s time to pack my laptop. Here I go…

Reaching Out To Our Loved Ones

Reaching out is not something I’m good at. In fact, I have to write it down on my list of things to do so I remember to call a friend or family member. My husband encourages me to reach out to people. If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. It’s extremely important to reach out to friends and family, it’s a great way to take care of ourselves. Reaching out to others during every state of our bipolar disorder allows us to maintain friendships. Creating and maintaining relationships is vital to our health; we don’t have to do this alone.

We can reach out to our friends and family in many ways. Even just a simple text message to let others know that we’re thinking about them is helpful, it helps maintain the relationship. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m manic, I tend to reach out to others more often. The things I say are not always the most appropriate. Luckily, my friends and family are very understanding. One of the things I’m working on is reaching out to others during depressive episodes. It’s extremely difficult, but I want my loved ones to know that I care about them and that I’m not just reaching out when I’m manic.

When I’m depressed, I don’t always know what to say to others. I have a hard time talking to other people in general. I have realized that when I reach out to loved ones, I can simply say, ‘Just saying hello; I want you to know I’m thinking about you. How are you doing? What’s new?’ Saying something that simple to someone you love can make them feel loved. Our loved ones are usually the ones that do most of the reaching out. I’m working very hard to change that; I don’t want to be the person that never calls or sends a message. When I receive a phone call or text from someone I care about, it makes me feel really good. It makes me smile and feel loved. I want to give that good feeling to my friends and family as well.

In my opinion, I can’t expect others to always reach out to me if I never reach out to them. Relationships go both ways. I believe that I need to put more effort into my relationships. I have been doing this with a couple important relationships and it has made a huge difference. For example, I’ve been reaching out more to a family member; I email, call, and text her and she does the same to me. I’m going home tomorrow and I can’t wait to see her. Our relationship has grown in just a short amount of time and it has had a huge and wonderful impact on my life. Every person that I’ve reached out to has been a success; I’m building and rebuilding relationships slowly but surely.

Planning Ahead For My Trip

I’m trying to plan ahead, trying to get ready to go away again for 8 days. I always try to pack for any situation; you never know what you’ll need while you’re away. I’m even going to a different climate, making it even more difficult to pack. I have to go through my closets to find some long sleeve shirts in case it gets cold. I also have to find my suitcase that is somewhere in my garage. I’ve written out the list of everything I need to pack including toiletries, clothes, shoes, medicine, and extras. My plan is to lay everything out on the guest bed and check things off as I pack them in my suitcase.

I still have errands to run. My weekly prescription went through yesterday without any problems, which is the first time that happened problem free. I have to go grocery shopping and pick up my script today. I also want to go shopping for some clothes, mainly pants, if I have the time. All of that has to be done by the end of today. Tomorrow, I’m spending a good portion of the day with my in-laws; it’s my stepdaughter’s first Mother’s Day, and I won’t be available on Mother’s Day to be with any in-laws. I don’t like leaving things to the last minute. Tuesday morning I have to leave for the airport; I will need to be completely packed by Monday night and have my clothes for the day left out on the dresser. I plan on having everything laid out on the bed by the end of the day, and then simply packing everything by the end of the day tomorrow. A few things will be left out that I need in the morning; otherwise I will be ready to go.

While it’s important that I pack everything I could possible need, I also have to make sure I set my husband up so that he has everything he could need. I don’t have to do these things for my husband, but since he works and I don’t, I feel that I should do these things for him. I like to make sure my husband has all the food that he’ll need. I also have a couple of bills to take care of before I leave.

I’ve been told that I plan too much, but I don’t think that’s possible. I’ve been told that some things you can’t plan for, which is probably right, but there’s no harm in trying to plan. The way I plan is by making lists. I’m a very visual person and if it’s written down then it will get done. I try to think of every situation, like going out somewhere fancy and bringing back birthday/holiday gifts, to make sure I will have everything I need. I always believe it’s better to have something and not need it than need something and not have it.

Overwhelmed and Anxious

I have so many things to get done in a limited amount of time. So many things, such little time to do it in; we’ve all heard that before, we’ve all probably said that before. Right now, that seems to be my life, except I feel frozen. I’m struggling to get things done, even some of the smallest things. All I can think about is all of the other tasks I need to complete. It’s weird to have your brain running so fast but also be frozen at the same time. What do I do now? Where do I start? Sometimes I feel as if I’m outside of my own body. I feel as if I’m looking at myself and all the things I need to do, and still can’t get it all done.

I feel off, something feels off and I can’t pinpoint it. Is it because I forgot to take my Clozapine two nights ago? Maybe it’s because I’m on a time schedule? It could be because I’m dealing with what appears to be a minor depressive episode, hopefully it doesn’t get worse. It could just be because I’m about to go on another trip to visit my family. I love my family and we get along wonderfully, but it’s still stressful. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family. I can’t wait to have one-on-one time with my mom, nieces, nephew, aunt, grandma, and more. There are so many people to see, and I have only one week to get it all done in.

My best friend from high school just reached out to me and she wants to get together for lunch while I’m back where I grew up. I haven’t seen or talked to this girl since I was 17 or 18 years old. Now, she wants to catch up and that worries me. Now that I think about it, this is probably why I’m having so many issues right now. This is overwhelming. I tend to have anxiety attacks when I go visit my friends that I see regularly, what will happen when if I visit with someone I haven’t seen or talked to in over a decade. Thank goodness for Valium. I don’t take it that often when I’m in my normal surroundings, but I know I will go through quite a lot while I’m away. I won’t take more than I’m supposed to, but I’m allowed two 10 mg pills a day, and that is a lot to me.

Understanding and Accepting Mental Illness

I was talking to my husband this morning, we were having a conversation about something and then suddenly I changed the subject. I thought he was following along with me, I thought he understood, but apparently I just started talking about something completely different with no notice. My brain was thinking too fast; there was no way for anyone to keep up with what I was saying. I was going from one subject to another, just a single word would trigger a different thought process and then I would be off on that new subject. I spent about 10 minutes just trying to explain how I got to the new topic I was on, and then I had to explain exactly what it was that I was talking about.

I’m not so sure if my husband will ever really understand how my brain works. How is anyone supposed to understand something that they are not themselves? No matter how much someone studies the bipolar disorder, I don’t think they will every really understand what it’s like to live with this illness. That is why support groups are so important; they bring people together who live with the same diagnoses. Support groups provide comfort and understanding that cannot come from people who do not have the bipolar diagnosis. This doesn’t mean that people without bipolar cannot support us. I have several people who support me. My family especially is very accepting of my diagnosis and they do the best they can to understand what I’m going through. It means so much to me that my family cares considerably, I’m extremely lucky.

In my opinion, others can only understand so much of how we think, but they can accept us for who we are. I know this isn’t easy; sometimes I have a hard time understanding and accepting it all myself. It’s hard to explain to others what I’m feeling, what/how I’m thinking, and what would be helpful. When I’m manic, it can be difficult to slow down enough so I can make sure that I’m making sense, and when I’m depressed, it can be difficult to care enough to explain things to others.

I have found two different country-wide groups. The first is NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which supports both individuals with mental illness as well as their family and friends. NAMI has a free 12 week program called Family-to-Family that is meant to educate family, friends, and significant others of individuals who live with mental illness. My mother and sister completed this program when I was in high school. I remember that after one of the sessions, my sister came home, hugged me, and told me she was sorry that I had to live with this. She and I struggle in our relationship at times, but the fact that she cared enough to complete the Family-to-Family program, meant a lot and helped us grow closer. I felt more comfortable around my mother and sister after they completed this program.

The other national support group I know of is DBSA, Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. DBSA also supports both those with mental illness and their family and friends. The local support chapters are run by volunteers. Their website helps people find local support groups for friends and family members, for parents, and for loved ones as well as support groups for individuals with mental illnesses. They also have online support groups for each of these different categories of people. DBSA also has educational materials and training options so individuals can start-up and run their own peer support group. I used to go to a DBSA support group, and I found it to be extremely helpful. I also met a lot of friends there that I’m still friends with, which is a big deal for me.

Maybe it’s weird that I don’t think others without mental illness can truly understand how I think and what I go through, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think they can care about me or try to understand me. For example, I’ve never broken my leg before, so I don’t really know what it’s like to have that happen to you. I don’t know what it feels like, how much pain it is, how inconvenient it can be, and how you have to change your life so you can heal. I still care about those that I know that broke their leg; I show that I care and that I’m compassionate, but I don’t know what it’s really like. That’s exactly how I feel about mental health. If someone has never experienced it themselves, then they don’t know what it’s like to personally live with mental illness. I’m not sure if that makes any sense to others, but it does to me. Even though no one in my family is also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, they all still try to understand and show me how much they care. I do have an aunt that also struggles with depression, and that brings us closer together. It’s a connection that I don’t have with other family members. My family loves and supports me, and that’s all that matters to me.

Preparing To Travel

Traveling is something that can be fun to do, depending on several factors such as how you get there, who you’re with, and your destination. I have two different getaways coming up, and I know that it’s time to start getting ready for at least the first one. I want to be prepared for them, and the only way to do that is to actually do the work, both physically and mentally. Traveling when you’re bipolar takes more than just packing. The more prepared I am for the actual traveling, time management, and visitations with others, the more I will enjoy my trip.

My first getaway is this Wednesday and it’s just one night away with my husband. A friend of his is getting married and we decided to go away the day before so we don’t have a lot of driving to do all in one day. Plus we get a night away from our normal lives, which every couple needs to do now and then. I should be looking up activities to do while we are away other than just go to the friend’s wedding. Instead, I’m just anxious about going somewhere I haven’t been before and going to a wedding where I’ll be surrounded my other people. I know that I’ll be with my husband, who makes me feel safe, so I’m sure everything will go okay. I just need to stop playing it all over and over in my head, that’s doing me no good. As I was writing this, I realized I need to start planning some things to do while I’m away with my husband, we like to stay active. With one simple Google search I found a Dolly Steamboat tour and an entire Ghost Town to explore! It was so simple, and it looks as though we will have a lot of fun together. We can start making plans soon when he gets home from work. I’m actually looking forward to it.

My next trip to plan for will take a lot more planning. I’m going across the country to visit my mom and the rest of my family. I will actually be with my mom on Mother’s Day, I can’t wait! The most difficult part of the trip is the flying. I love to fly, my dad was a pilot, but it’s the airports that get to me. People don’t respect each other’s space and everything is crowded from the security lines to the bathrooms. People act as if you’re going to win a million dollars by boarding the plane as quickly as possible; it’s the same problem when it comes to deboarding the plane. I don’t like to be rushed, so I get there early, but that just means I have to deal with the crowds longer. All I really want to do is find a quite place to myself, anywhere I can sit down and plug my laptop in while I wait for my plane. I look for the same thing during my layover. It’s not usually a successful venture, but it’s still worth a try. To keep myself calm I take my Valium and I remind myself all the time that I’m on my way to see my family. Nothing is better than being able to see my family.

I’m going to visit with my mom, nieces, nephew, aunt, grandmother, family friends, and even some old friends I’ve been out of touch with. I’m lucky that my family is extremely accepting of my bipolar disorder and my anxiety. It can be difficult to fit in everything I want to do during the short amount of time I’m there, especially when you’re trying to adjust to a different time zone. This time, I’ll be there for eight days. I’ll get as much done as I can, but I can’t overextend myself, traveling is hard enough already. It is hard living away from my family, I need to take advantage of the time that I do have with them while I’m there. This visit in particular, I’m looking forward to one-on-one time with certain people such as my mom, aunt, and grandmother. I mostly just hang out with my family, but there are a few things I want to do while I’m there. I want to complete my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) with help from my mom, I still have to do blood work and get medication, I have a birthday gift for my niece, and there’s a 3D Leonardo Di Vinci exhibit I can’t wait to see. This is all I can think of at the moment. If I want to get all of that done, then I better start planning.

What’s Coming? I Hope It’s Not A Crash

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’ve been manic lately; I’ve been in a mixed episode more or less. Everything changes day by day; whether or not I’m able to get things done, how much energy I have, my emotional state, how much I reach out to others, if I can complete my goals, and how impulsive I am. These are my major signs that show what state I’m in; manic, depressive, or mixed. Since I had an ECT treatment yesterday, I generally slow down for at least a few days as my body recovers.

When I’m manic or mixed, I tend to get a lot of household responsibilities done. I can go all day without stopping. I make sure that I can complete every goal I set out for myself. I can’t stand not being able to cross off every item on my to-do list. I also usually reach out to others, both friends and family, when I’m manic or mixed. I withdraw as the depression sets in. I usually don’t have elated feelings to begin with during mania or mixed episodes; I still tend to feel bad about myself, unable to see the good things that I have done.

Every day, I see certain symptoms changing. For example, today I’m having a hard time getting things done. It is the day right after ECT, so I’m trying to give myself a break, but reaching out to others is also very hard. I’m also feeling the emotional depressive symptoms, wishing I wasn’t around is a common feeling for me. I’m not sure if there’s a crash coming, or if I’m just reacting to life’s circumstances. The worst part, in my opinion, is I keep gaining weight. It’s been happening for a few months now. I’m up 30 pounds, and I don’t have the will power to fight it. I have been wondering what’s coming for a little while now. Sometimes I think my episodes happen in waves; often never-ending and they don’t often last long enough to realize what’s happening, which is an improvement from before, now that I think about it.

If this is a crash coming, then it’s probably the easiest one I’ve gone through. Or maybe the new medication, Clozapine, is helping ease the fall a little bit. Other times, I have spent all my money, gained 80 pounds, or withdrawn completely from my loved ones. I’m still productive, no matter how difficult it is, and I’m working at keeping my relationships healthy, which is extremely difficult for me. I’m still trying, that’s what matters. Maybe I should just be grateful that I am still able to work at it. When my depression hits, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I still don’t get things done like I want to.

Gift Giving Is A Gift Itself

Everyone has something they enjoy doing. When you’re dealing with depression, those things you normally enjoy seem to become work instead of fun. One of the things I like to do is search online for gifts to give my loved ones. I even tend to enjoy it when I’m going through a depressive episode. I greatly enjoy giving people personal and meaningful gifts, something that they would enjoy. I don’t always know why I like doing this so much; I just do. Better yet, I’ve been told by many family members that I’m really good at it. I suppose that when I’m looking for the perfect gift for someone, I think back through all of my memories I have with that person. I think about that individual, what they enjoy, and I get to replay our good times together. Then, when I give the person their gift, I get to see the enjoyment on their face and/or in their voice. All of that is a gift that I get.

For example, my brother just got married and I gave them a set of four stone coasters. Each coaster had a different vintage map on it; his new wife is into vintage things. I put a different map on each coaster. For their honeymoon, they went on a cruise. I looked up their cruise and found out where it was going. I put the different places they went during their honeymoon on the coasters. That way, every time they use the coasters, they would remember their honeymoon. I wasn’t sure if they would like them or not, but they ended up loving them. I really enjoyed hearing the excitement in their voices and their thank you card when I heard from them shortly after they returned, which was a great gift to me.

I’ve already started my Christmas shopping this year; actually, I started at least a month ago. I keep a list of all of my ideas, that way I don’t forget since my memory is so horrible. Then I buy a couple of things here and there. This makes it easier for me when Christmas comes along; it takes the stress off during the holidays. I don’t have to spend one large sum of money all at once; I just spend a little bit at a time. I’m not pressured to come up with gift ideas in a short amount of time. Why didn’t I think of doing this earlier? The only problem is that I get so excited about the gifts when I get them in the mail (since I do almost all of my shopping online) that I have a hard time waiting to give the gifts to each person. I’m doing well so far this year; I haven’t given anything away early.

Bipolar Disorder Affects Our Friends and Family

Personally, I mostly think of how much my bipolar disorder affects my life. Bipolar disorder causes my personality and capabilities to change over time. I can be happy one moment, and then suddenly I’m crying. It’s not always this extreme, but my moods do shift without having the power to control them or even know when they’re coming. I’m lucky to have family and a couple friends that are extremely supportive of me. However, no one is perfect. Sometimes one of them may say or do something that upsets me and my mind automatically thinks, ‘Don’t they know what I have to deal with? And they’re complaining because of how my disorder affects them?’ It takes me a little while, but then I realize that my disorder has a huge influence on those around me, especially those I’m close with.

I have to work very hard at remembering that I’m not the only person my bipolar disorder has an impact on. Even when my loved ones are educated, they’re still human, and some of my symptoms can be extremely difficult to live with. This is true especially when I’m in a manic or depressive episode. Recently, I was experiencing a mixed episode, some of my manic symptoms included constant fidgeting, increased talking, and was barely sleeping. It took me a while to realize that my symptoms were also affecting my family, especially those I live with. One family member recently said something that hurt my feelings. All I could think was how I didn’t have control over what I was doing, and I felt as if this person was blaming me for that. It took me a while, but now I realize that my family has to live with bipolar disorder as well.

Many individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder at some point struggle to work. Personally, I went through a huge manic episode with psychosis that caused me to be unable to work at all. I have been on Social Security Disability since 2009. I still bring in some money thanks to SSDI, but I don’t make the money that I used to make. For many people, this type of situation often causes problems in families and couples. Our support systems often feel helpless because they can’t fix us, and they often can’t even understand us when we’re manic. But they’re not helpless. They can help to make sure we are taking our medication, help us come up with strategies to reduce stress, encourage us to contact our doctors, and if necessary they can contact our doctors if given permission when we have failed to do so. These are things that my family helps me with.

It’s a lot of work to be the support system for someone with bipolar disorder, or any mental health illness. Our loved ones can experience emotional and financial distress, they often have interruptions to their routines, they have to learn to handle our unusual and sometimes reckless behavior, and the stress they experience can often cause health problems. There are support groups and meetings for our loved ones, just as there are support groups that we can go to. It’s vital for our support system to receive support; otherwise, they won’t be able to be there for us. If we want someone to be patient with us, then we need to be patient with them. It’s much easier said than done.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 9

Last night, I increased my Clozapine dose to 100mg and decreased my Seroquel dose to 100mg as instructed by my psychiatrist. I fell asleep last night around 2:00am and I was in and out until 8:30am. I probably got a total combination of 5 1/2 hours, which isn’t that bad. I woke up with sore muscles and I feel pretty tired, but it’s not as bad as it has previously been. I’m a bit unsteady on my feet, which is a new side effect for me. I still feel pressure in my throat, but it appears to be getting better. The chest pressure is there again, but very minor. And my temperature is 97.7. So I guess I do have a lot of side effects today, but I think they will go away as the day goes on, just like it has been happening every other day.

I have a busy day today that I’m looking forward to. My step-son, who is 24 years old, is coming over to visit. I love spending time with my step-kids. Then we’re going to dinner at my step-daughter’s house, she is 22 years old, which means I get to see my granddaughter again. We saw her this past Sunday, but I felt so weak from the medication that I was afraid to hold her; I didn’t want to drop her if my muscles gave out like they have a few other times. I’m going to continue to try to think positive even though it’s extremely difficult, at the very least, it can’t hurt.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Family