Struggling

Struggling

I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.

My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.

Eating Healthy – No More Night Eating

Eating Healthy – No More Night Eating

I’m working hard at eating healthy. It’s not an easy thing, but I’m trying. My doctor was talking to me about getting healthy and losing weight. She kept talking to me as if I was stupid and didn’t know what I’m supposed to be eating. I explained to her that I know what I should eat, but knowing doesn’t really mean much. There’s a huge difference between knowing something and putting it into action.

With food, my worst time of day is at night, specifically in the middle of the night between 11pm and 5am. I don’t know why I eat things then. When I can’t sleep, it seems like I fill my bored, tired body with food. It’s completely unnecessary, but I do it anyways. I can eat healthy all day long and then I go and mess it up in the middle of the night for no reason. I’m going to keep working on it. I’ll try again tonight not to eat for no reason.

Food is another addiction of mine. I’m already sober from drugs and alcohol. I know I need to add food to that list, but it’s a really hard thing to do. I’m grateful to have all the love and support that I do have. My family is understanding and encouraging.

Keep Trying

Keep Trying

I went to another meeting last night, but I didn’t like that one as much as I liked the one on Wednesday night. I will have to try out many different meetings until I find the one that’s right for me, I have hope. Even though I didn’t like the meeting, I stayed for the whole thing. The important part is that I keep trying. I won’t be able to go to a meeting today because I have another ECT treatment, but maybe I’ll try again on Saturday. I have to keep putting myself out there. I really want to have that community that I used to have when I was going to meetings all the time. I can’t give up.

Quote by Confucius

Quote by Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

This reminds me to never give up, and that’s something I really need to hear right now. Just because it’s rough at this moment, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way. I will rise again. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

 

Sick and Tired of Treating My Mental Illness

Sick and Tired of Treating My Mental Illness

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder at a young age. I was 14 the first time I started treatment for mental health issues. It was my first visit to an inpatient behavioral health hospital. I have taken medication every day ever since that time in January of 1999 at the age of 14. I know that I will be on medication for the rest of my life; I don’t time mind as much when the medication is working. Bipolar is a treatable disorder, but it’s easier to treat for some than it is for others. My diagnosis includes treatment-resistant bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. I give it all I’ve got, to treat my bipolar disorder.

No matter what, I do the best I can to feel okay with my current status, as long as I’m always working towards a healthy state. For me, that means taking my meds as my psychiatrist prescribes, going to support groups, communicating with friends and family, going to talk therapy appointments, and following all suggestions by doctors. I always do what I’m supposed to do, and I am sick and tired of doing it. Especially when what I’m doing isn’t effective or helping me in the way it’s supposed to.

I work hard every day and it feels as if my efforts go unnoticed by my bipolar disorder. I wish I could just stop my meds and I would somehow slip into a healthy state of mind, but I don’t have luck like that. Instead, I’m the kind of person whose mind and body would lose any mental status they had. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. Of course it’s going to be exhausting from time to time, and of course I’m going to want to give up now and then, but every time, I will remind myself that I am far better off than I am without the treatments. One day, the treatments and everything will work. I will finally get the break that I need.