I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.

My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.

5 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. It’s very true that when you suffered that kind of abuse and reacted to it in fear, that stress still has a great impact on you even when the stressor (may it be a person or a situation) is gone. I hope that you husband and family understand some of your reactions have nothing to do what they do, it’s your residual fear affects your current response. Are you doing anything to process your stress, and build your trust in yourself and people around you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My husband and family are very understanding. Every once in a while someone forgets about it, but not for long. I am going to therapy on a regular basis. This specific issue is one that we’ve been working on together for a few years.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My ex was very abusive. Good thing that I was a happy person and I realized how unhappy and how different I was. I stuck around for the daughter’s sake. It turned out it was not good for her. Anyway, I got out 25 years ago and now am happy with my husband for 21 years. I’m glad that you are in therapy. It takes time. Best wishes for you!

        Liked by 1 person

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