Vacation is over. I’m on my way home today. I was worried about checking my bag. It seemed to be extremely heavy. I thought that it was going to be over the 50lb limit. I had no scale to measure it with. Luckily, when I weighed it at the airport, it only weighed 47lbs. Then, I surprisingly went straight through security in the airport without getting stopped by anyone.
I’m early for my flight. I would rather be early than late. I sit down near my gate but far enough away so I’m basically alone. I’m about to be on a 6 hour flight with people all around me. I’ve decided to have as much alone time as possible. I found a group of chairs up against a wall that are off on their own with no one in them. Granted, they are about 30 feet away from the restrooms, but at least no one is coming to sit near me and start a conversation.
I had a great vacation, and I don’t want to leave, however; at the same time, I’m really looking forward to going home. The thing that I really like about this vacation, and pretty much any vacation, is the time I get to spend with my mom. Since she lives so far way from me (about 2,500 miles), I only get to see her about 2 or 3 times a year. Leaving her is hard, but going back home to my husband is good.
Today, my blood pressure was pretty high. I had my BP taken by the nurse before seeing my doctor. She first used an electric BP cuff, and it came out to be 167/147. I told her that it’s usually lower when done manually. I also tried breathing calmly while she was taking my BP manually. It worked! It got all the way down to 147/97. It’s still higher than it should be, but it’s lower than it was just a few minutes before. If you look at how stressful life is lately, it makes sense that my BP would be high. It’s something that I’ll keep working on, and hopefully it will get better. However, I can only work on so many things at one time.
It’s almost time for my vacation. I leave, in just one week from tomorrow evening, to go on vacation to Cape Cod. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family, especially the time alone I’ll have with my mom. I wish I would have lost some more weight before my trip. Oh well, I did the best I could, and I will keep trying every day, even while I’m out there on vacation.
I got a lot done yesterday. In fact, I got everything done that I wrote on my to-do list. Staying very busy definitely helped the itching. I’m going to try that again today. I’ve been more irritable lately than normal. In fact, normally I don’t get or show irritation or anger. However, I think that having this rash is pushing me to my limits. I’ve snapped at my husband several times regarding things that normally don’t bother me. I’m also responded to some people with a snarling attitude, and I that’s not right. There’s definitely something off about my mood.
I’m starting my day by watching the bunnies in the yard again. I think it puts me in a more peaceful mood and I hope that it will help me feel better today. I wish I could be with my mom during Mother’s Day, but I’ll do that next year. This year, I’m going to make dinner for my mother-in-law. In fact, I’m going to make one of the best meals (and my favorite meal) that my mom would make for us when we were children. That’s my way of bringing my mom closer to me even when she’s not with me.
I have no clue why, but for some reason, I woke up at 4am this morning. It was hours earlier than I planned on waking up. And when I woke up, I was wide awake. There was no going back to sleep for me. So I decided to get some stuff done. I might as well be productive since I have such a busy day ahead of me. I started by doing some laundry, then I cleaned the kitchen, and then one of the bathrooms. I’m trying hard no to make any noise so I don’t wake my husband. He was awake at 4am when I woke up, but unlike me, he was able to go back to sleep.
I’m glad I’m getting stuff done early, it will make the rest of my day a lot easier. I’ve actually completed half of the cleaning! I’m going to bring my dog to the groomers very shortly, that way he doesn’t smell bad while my mom is here. I do admit I’m a little frustrated that while I’m trying to clean, my husband is having his brother over to play video games. Somehow, I’m just going to make it clear that they have to pick up after themselves. Hopefully it works out.
Once all that is done, I’m excited for my mom to come visit. My mom is one of my best friends, she’s the best, and I don’t have enough time to spend with her. So I get her for 8 days, which is amazing! Just so you know, I do clean this intensely on a regular basis. I generally clean the whole house once a week.
I got a lot of stuff done today, especially since I started my day out with another ECT treatment. I tried to rest after my ECT, but it didn’t work at all. I just laid in bed for about 30 minutes without the ability to fall asleep; it was extremely frustrating. I also went grocery shopping and worked on my taxes. And soon, I’m about to start cooking dinner; beef and bacon smoked sausage with sun-dried tomatoes and mushrooms. Tomorrow is going to be an even busier day; my dog goes to the vet for a bath, then I have an appointment with my therapist, I need to get my regular blood work done, I need to clean my house, and then my mom comes to visit for a week (yay!!!) I have no clue when I’m going to find time to clean the house and get everything done, but somehow I will make it work.
I also bought tickets to a Coyotes (hockey) game for next Monday. The seats are 4th row almost center ice for only $60 a piece. My husband and I could pass up the deal. This is going to be only my 2nd time with seats this good.
While my mom is visiting, we have lots to do. Everyone (meaning my in-laws) all want to visit with my mom, so I’ve scheduled for us to go out to a few different meals. I understand why my in-laws want to spend time with my mom, and of course I want them to all spend time together; however, I don’t really want to share any of the time that I have with her. I am sharing our time together, but I’m quite a bit jealous.
Vacation continues to go well. My sister, her husband, and their kids left. It was great to see all of them, we had a wonderful visit. That leaves just me and my mom! That’s my favorite part. We can do anything or nothing together and we always get along, everything with the two of us is always simple. We got my weekly blood work done this morning and informed the pharmacy that they should be receiving my blood work results soon. My mom helped me get the courage to go in and talk to the pharmacist, and it all worked out perfectly.
During lunch, one of the things we talked about was how I struggle to say ‘no’ to anyone. She pointed out that I said no to a couple of things such as no more ECT treatments and no to IV Ketamine treatments. It’s so difficult for me to say no; I can’t do it without an anxiety attack. My mom suggested that instead of saying I can’t say no, say “I haven’t been able to say no very often” or “I have not yet perfected the art of saying no”. My mom always has a great perspective and input.
I know that when I say things in a negative manner, it makes that part of life harder. If I work at saying things in a positive way, it helps me actually be positive. I’m going to work at saying these things along with other positive thinking.
I haven’t slept one wink since I woke up yesterday morning, and I’m not even tired. Besides that, my mom and I got my plane ticket to go to Cape Cod to spend a week together! It doesn’t happen until August, but I’m excited now that I made my final decision. This is the only time I get to have real one-on-one time with my mom. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re talking about doing some things that we’ve never tried before. Plus, I’ll get to see my sister, her husband, and their kids! I overlap my vacation with theirs for about 24 hours. I can’t wait to see them all.
I go to the same cottage that my family has been going to since before I was born. I have so many memories of Dennis Port, MA. The cottage is a short 1 to 2 minute walk to the water. I don’t like to go in the water, but I enjoy lying on the beach. It’s a private beach, so it’s not crowded, which makes it easier for my anxiety. My husband wants to come, but we just can’t make it work this year. He’ll be coming back to Connecticut with me in the beginning of December for my mom’s birthday. Maybe he will be able to come with me to the Cape next year. I worry about him being on the beach. He has 3rd degree burns on over 30% of his body. It happened over a decade ago. He’s perfectly fine now; he just has to be very careful when he’s out in the sun.
My flights, both ways, are non-stop. That will help reduce some anxiety. I’m trying to prepare for this vacation, so I want to try to lose a bit of weight. And the more important thing that I have to do is find a lab to get my weekly blood work done. I already found a pharmacy where I can get Clozapine, so the rest of it should be easy.
I finally made it to my destination, and the stress of the trip was completely worth it. Some of the things I fear when traveling occurred, the rest of my fears were just thoughts that never took place. When standing in line to get on and off the planes, I made sure to wear my backpack to keep some distance between me and the person behind me. This worked a couple of times, but the other times I could feel the people behind me pushing up against my backpack. I was lucky to have polite people sitting next to me on the plane. However, the people behind me on the 4 hour flight were loud, obnoxious, and most likely drunk. I took medication as necessary; I did my best to time it all well.
I won’t take more than two pills of Valium in a day, that’s what my prescription is for, but I wanted to make sure that they would be effective when I needed them. I left my home at 9:20am and I arrived at my destination at 10:40pm. There’s no way that my Valium would be effective all day long. I had to choose when to take them so they would be most effective and helpful. I think I did a pretty good job today. It was all worth it when I got to hug my mom; she was waiting for me at baggage claim. Then we had over an hour drive back to her house to chat and share stories. We stayed up even later talking, probably because it’s so easy for us to talk to each other. I’m very blessed to be here with my mom and the rest of my family. I can’t wait to see everyone else starting tomorrow. I better start making a list of everything I need/want to do. Just because I’m on vacation, doesn’t mean I should stop making to-do lists; they really help me stay organized and focused.
I’m all packed and ready to go. My ride will be here soon and then I’m off to the airport. All of the sudden, my nerves are kicking up. I’m afraid that anything could go wrong. What if I don’t make it to the airport on time? What if I miss my flight? Will I be able to find a comfortable spot to sit down while I’m at the airport? Will I end up sitting next to someone who is polite or annoying? There are so many thoughts and possibilities bouncing around in my mind. I don’t know the answer to any of them. No one knows the answer, until they actually happen.
I’m trying to figure out when to take my first Valium for the day. It’s an entire day of flying for me, which means I want to make sure my Valium lasts as long as possible. The one thing that’s making me feel better is that I know at the end of the day, I will be with my mom. That makes everything better. I can’t wait to give her a hug. She makes all of the airport crap worth it.
Well, it’s time to pack my laptop. Here I go…