I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
Cash is doing better now. We brought him to the vet yesterday and had one of the techs show us how to properly bandage him. It really made a huge difference. I’ve been pretty stressed out over everything that has been happening with Cash. I’ve had him since he was 6 months old and now he’s 11 years old. I worry a lot. But I can tell that he’s finally feeling a little better because he picked up and chewed on his bone/toy for a bit. This is the first time he’s done that since his surgery last Thursday.
I got a lot of stuff done today including a therapy appointment, blood work, and grocery shopping. My husband stayed home with the dog while I was out. I don’t want to leave the dog alone, just in case he starts bleeding again. We went to play cards at my mother-in-law’s house yesterday and we brought Cash with us because we didn’t want to leave him at home by himself. I’m really glad we brought him because he bled through his bandages twice in just a few hours. Things are finally starting to look up.
Life is starting to get back to normal, now that Cash is starting to feel better. I’m exhausted from all of my extra anxiety and worrying over the last few days. I’m trying to do a few things that I’ve been putting off for a while. The biggest thing is gathering all of my information for taxes. Tax time is pretty overwhelming, especially since I know I’m going to owe money this year. I’m trying to gather my tax documents a little bit at a time in order to reduce the stress.
My dog, Cash, has an appointment at the vet today for grooming and shots. He’s 11 years old now, so we’re seeing some changes in his capabilities. He was so excited to go on a car ride. I opened the door for him and he jumped in like he always does; however, this time he didn’t make it all the way in. I was able to pick up his hips and help him in the car. Luckily, he didn’t get hurt. This is the first time he wasn’t able to jump into the car. It’s sad and worrisome. I won’t be able to pick him up every time. He’s 88 pounds, which is a lot to carry. This is probably the beginning of some of the problems that senior dogs encounter. It was so hard to watch that happen, but I knew it would be coming soon.
I have been taking anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, and mood stabilizers since I was 14 years old. I’ve dealt with plenty of side effects; nausea, weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, muscle tremors, drooling, increased thirst, slurred speech, and much more. These are all short-term side effects. They are side effects that last as long as you are on the medication.
Most of these side-effects stop when you stop taking the pills, but there are also long-term side effects. I don’t know much about them, but I do know that it happens. One example is Tardive Dyskinesia, a nervous system condition that causes involuntary movements, is caused by long-term use of psychiatric drugs. I’ve started thinking about the long-term side effects recently because I realized I have been on psych meds for 17 years and it worries me. It worries me to be on any medication for 17 years because every med has both short and long-term side-effects. I have been thinking about all of this a lot recently.
Yesterday, my dog, Cash, got sick and threw up. He was slightly lethargic during the rest of the day. He ate a smaller dinner and the good news was that he didn’t get sick again. When I fed him this morning, he didn’t care about eating any food. He has many allergies, so I have to be extremely careful what he eats. I tried a couple of times to get him to eat, but he still refused. My husband finally got him to eat a treat after a couple of hours, that’s better than nothing.
I’ve been worrying about him all day. Of course, today is Cash’s 11th birthday. I felt so bad for him. I decided that if he was still like this tomorrow, I would take him to the vet. Thankfully, when it was time for dinner, he jumped up and was more than ready to eat. I’m happy to say that he’s doing much better.
Tomorrow would have been my next ECT treatment. Instead, I talked to my doctor a week or two ago and canceled the appointment. I’ve been wanting to stop these treatments for a while, and I finally did. Now, I’m nervous. I’ve been doing this for 15 months. Even though it’s hard on my mind and my body, it has become normal. All of the “what if’s” are going through my mind. What if ECT actually was helping? What if I slip into a huge manic episode? What if my depression gets worse? What if I have to re-start it, will I be willing to do that?
If I have to re-start ECT, then I don’t get to pick up where I left off. I would have to re-start by going three times a week for a month. Then once a week for four weeks, then every other week for eight sessions, and then finally back to once a month. I can’t do that again. I think I would rather try the IV Ketamine, and that terrifies me. Treatment resistant bipolar depression sucks. I wish I could take a vacation from it. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know I’m not going to, but I want to. I wish I could be the person that didn’t always do the right thing.