I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that.
I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through with any plans I’ve made, but I guess that’s why I take Valium. Even if I don’t feel up to it, taking medication helps me follow through with plans that I’ve made.
I know that my depression has been weighing on my husband. He already has enough on his mind. Between his mom’s cancer, his brother’s possible heart problem, and his own back problems, he has enough to deal with. The fact that he cares about me is wonderful, but I feel like I’m a downer on life in general; I’m just putting a bigger strain on life. I hate being a drag to others. I wish there was a way around all of this, but there isn’t. So, I just have to accept life the way it is, and maybe things will improve over time.
I spent some time alone with my mother-in-law yesterday. I showed her the notebook I made to keep track of all her medical issues. She loved it and was extremely grateful of all the work I did. The visit went well; we get along great. It was just emotional for me. There were a lot of details in the notes that my mother-in-law didn’t understand. However, I knew what they meant because I heard them a lot from my father’s cancer. Her illness is bringing up a lot of emotions and memories of my dad. I just want to be able to support her and my husband without bringing up stuff about my dad. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’ll do my best.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I have difficulty with a lot of things. I have an extremely hard time saying no to people. I struggle to stand up for myself. Even when someone asks me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering them. I would rather do something I don’t want to do and be unhappy (without saying I’m unhappy, of course) that tell someone what I really want. Life feels like a giant problem, as if it’s an obstacle I may never complete, but I’m not giving up.
My ex, from before I got sober, was very abusive. I suppose that it just became second nature to do whatever he wanted. I would never dare to say no to him; I knew what the punishment would be if I didn’t behave properly. Even though he’s gone, I still react that way. I want to stop putting others before myself, but I haven’t been able to. Reacting the way I do is a force of habit. It has nothing to do with the people I’m with today, such as my husband, family, or friends; it has everything to do with me.
My days seem to be going by extremely slowly. It feels like each day is dragging on and on. I wish I could make things go by quicker. Buying a house is complex. I need to make a list of everything that I’m going to need once I’m in my new home. I have to be as accurate as possible. I also just have to sign my tax documents and return them to the company that completed them.
I’m ready to start moving. I have a few people who have offered to help us, mainly my stepdaughter’s boyfriend. I’m already planning a housewarming party. Nothing big; just something small to celebrate this huge accomplishment.
I’ve been thinking about going back to work. Only for me to work from home. I could do something, like be a typist. I type anywhere from 60 to 80 words per minute (sometimes even more) with at least 96% accuracy. I wonder if I could do it. Could working be something good for me? Could I handle it? I have lots to think about. I’m going to keep it as just a thought for now. Maybe later it can actually become more than a thought.
I’ve been having some problems with motivation lately. It has been a struggle to get my normal household activities done. Whether it’s cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, or grocery shopping; I seem to have a difficult time doing any of it. I’ve been writing everything on my to do list. Having everything written down really helps me be productive. I even ordered a new journal, called a bullet journal, that will help me be even more organized. I can’t wait until it gets here!
Not only do I struggle with completing daily tasks, I also struggle with reaching out to friends and family. I even put making a phone call to someone in particular on my to do list. If I don’t write it down, then I won’t remember to do it, no matter how much I really want to talk to that person. I tend to isolate when I’m feeling down. In fact, I tend to isolate all the time, no matter how I’m feeling. When I’m by myself, no one can tell me that I’m wrong.
I still have a lot to do while I wait for my new journal to arrive. Today has been a very productive day. I’ve done everything that is written on my list (I don’t like it when I’m not able to cross everything off). I try to motivate myself by creating to do lists. It is helpful, but only to the extent that I allow. I often leave multiple things off of my to do lists because I don’t think I’ll be able to complete them and I don’t want to have something on my list that is not crossed off. I’m hoping that this new journal will help me be a little more productive. I’ll let you know how it goes when I receive it.