Gym Work Out

I’m so proud of myself today. My husband has been talking about going to the gym for a little while now, and he has been wanting me to go with him. Before we started dating, we used to go to the gym together 5 days a week. We were workout partners and we had a lot of fun working out together. Our workouts were what used to get me through my days at work. I always had something to look forward to. So we signed up at a gym so we could get back in shape together. Even though we have a workout room in our house, it’s different. Working out at a gym has a different atmosphere, making it easier and more encouraging to complete a workout than to do so in our own house.

I was scared to go to the gym because it’s something new, and I don’t do new things very well. I told my husband that I could do it as long as he doesn’t leave me alone. He makes me feel safe. Today, we worked out together and he didn’t leave me once. He knows exactly how to work out to get what we want because he used to be a personal trainer. We’re starting out slow, so we don’t overdo anything and then end up not going back. Our plan for now is to work out 5 days a week, like we used to do. We’re doing full body workouts. I’m so proud of myself for doing this. I think this will also help our relationship because it gives us something new to do together. He even told me, before he left for work, how much he enjoyed today.

The Beginning Of It All – My Life: Part 2

Trigger Warning: The following talks about drug and alcohol abuse, cutting, and suicidal gestures.

I believe that I started to change when I was in 7^th or 8^th grade. The friends I chose were different from before and I became a sad and angry person on the inside. Many kids go through changes around this age, but I took it a bit too far. Then, one day, I was told that my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer). I was devastated. My whole life was turned upside down. The day after I found out about my father’s diagnosis, I remember walking into town and feeling very upset. As I was walking, one of my new “friends” saw me and asked what was wrong. I told him about my father and how upset I was. He gave me cocaine and told me it would make me feel better. That was the start of a treacherous journey over the next many years. Cocaine made me forget how horrible I felt, although it caused so many other problems.

My dad’s diagnosis was a trigger for me, but if it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else. My drug and alcohol use as well as my mental health problems were not my father’s fault; in fact, they were no one’s fault. It’s just a part of my story. I couldn’t believe I was losing my father and I didn’t know how to handle it. My parents had me go to therapy, but it wasn’t helpful because I wasn’t honest with the therapist. Over the next six or seven years, I tried just about every drug except for meth, and that’s only because it wasn’t available where I lived. The beginning of my drug use was the beginning of my downfall, mentally and emotionally. I also started cutting around the same time that I started using drugs and alcohol. Cutting caused physical pain, which replaced the emotional pain. It was another outlet that caused more harm than good.

I remember that I got caught smoking one day. My parents confronted me about it and I lied to them, which is what they were more upset about. Instead of grounding me, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, but I had to be with one of my parents at all times. My mom said that I lost their trust. The punishment lasted several months, which felt like forever, until I could prove that I was trustworthy again. I didn’t understand then, but I get it now. Trust is something that’s earned; it’s not a right for anyone.

When I was 14, I made a suicidal gesture. I took a lot of a medication, but I took just less than what would kill me. I knew exactly what I was doing; it was a cry for help. This was my first hospitalization. I met my first psychiatrist at this hospital; he treated me while I was admitted and I kept seeing him after. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder. I think the only reason I was diagnosed as borderline was because of the self-harm. I still think about cutting, but I haven’t done it in well over a decade. My family was very supportive and caring. I even remember at one point, my mom and sister completed the Family to Family course offered by NAMI so they could better understand me.

I tried just about every medication and med combo available, but nothing really worked. They probably didn’t work because I was also self-medicating with all sorts of drugs and alcohol. I actually told my psychiatrist about the drugs I was using. I often went to our appointments high. He did nothing about it except ask me not to do that again. Of course I didn’t listen to him. There were also some medications that caused me to gain weight. One med caused an 80 pound weight gain, yet he never mentioned that it was an issue at any of our appointments. Now, as an adult, I’m surprised and disappointed that he never informed my parents about my drug use or the side effects such as weight gain. It never seemed as if that psychiatrist at that time cared about my well-being.

I left high school after my sophomore year and went to college at the age of 16. The college was meant for “younger scholars”. I did meet some great friends there who I’m still friends with now, but I also started using more drugs. The actual school part was not a problem. I still did well in my classes, but I stopped caring about school in general. I only lasted one year at that school before dropping out. School was interfering with my drug use, and my mental health was a huge endeavor. I couldn’t do it all, so I left college and eventually got my GED, since I left high school before graduating.

I think that the biggest reason that every attempt to stabilize my mental health didn’t work when I was younger was because of my drug and alcohol abuse. I don’t know how to use anything in moderation. I could never have a drink, I would have a bottle. I couldn’t take just one hit; I had to smoke the whole thing. Even if I was doing well, the drug use would screw me up completely. I also didn’t work very hard on my mental health, I didn’t care very much. Now that I know how much of a difference I can make on my own mental health, I take responsibility for my teenage years being mostly a disaster.

Further Frustration with My Pharmacy

I’m beyond frustrated at this point. I’m so annoyed and pissed off. I’m still having problems refilling my Clozapine. Yesterday, I had to call the pharmacy 6 times. I finally found out that the problem with my prescription is because of the national database. I don’t know what problem the national Clozapine database has found. My blood work is better than it used to be, it’s finally back to normal. My doctor waited a few extra days to write my prescription because he was waiting for my Clozapine level blood test to come back. That test took a few extra days. I usually get my script on Sundays or Mondays, and this time he didn’t write my script until Thursday. Maybe that’s the problem.

I have an appointment to go do my weekly blood work today. Part of me is wondering if I should even get it done since my script from last week hasn’t been filled. I’m out of Clozapine. If I can’t get my script to be filled today, then I have no Clozapine to take. I wonder if there will be bad side effects or withdrawals. I’ve forgotten to take the medication by accident once or twice. When that happens, I usually end up feeling sick to my stomach, more like a stomach pain. I have no clue what to do. I keep calling the pharmacy, but I’m getting nowhere.

Clozapine Refill Frustrations

I started my Clozapine rechallenge on April 3rd; I have now been taking it for close to 8 weeks. My doses have increased slowing over that time. I’ve had some side effects, but nothing that can’t be managed or dealt with. Some of the side effects have gone away over time and others I’ve learned to deal with to the best of my ability.

I just had my Clozapine level taken and the results finally came back yesterday. My level came back at 80, which is very low. I’m assuming that my doctor is going to be increasing my dose, but I’m not sure. I don’t really know where he wants my Clozapine level. A low level is between 50 to 150 ng/mL, 200 to 300 ng/mL is a medium level, and 350 to 450 ng/mL is a high level. I’m pretty sure that the therapeutic level begins 100, which I haven’t reached yet.

Every week I seem to have problems with my blood work and filling my prescription. People at the pharmacy tend to lose track of my blood test results, which they need in order to fill my prescription. I have finally learned that if and when the pharmacy says they haven’t received my weekly blood work, I just need to tell them to look in my file. I thought getting my script filled would be easier now that I’ve figured out that part. However, this week’s prescription has been difficult for another reason. First, my doctor wanted to wait for the Clozapine level results so he knew how much to prescribe. I normally get my script filled on a Sunday or Monday. It’s now Thursday, so I can’t last much longer without a refill. My doctor has called the prescription in twice to the pharmacy. He said that he was on hold for 10 minutes just to leave a message. I’ve called the pharmacy 3 times today regarding this script, and it still isn’t filled.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get this prescription. It seems to add a great deal of anxiety to my life every week. I’m actually taking Valium just to deal with this situation. I wonder if it does more good than harm.

Knowing Your Diagnosis

Understanding your own mental health is extremely important. Even though most of us have some type of support system, knowing your own illness is the best way to take care of ourselves. I know that I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I have manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. While others may be able to see some of my symptoms, I try to be the first person that can see them. I am aware of the symptoms I exhibit for each type of episode. Knowing my symptoms helps me to catch my episodes before they get too far. Those that I’m close with, such as my husband, family, and best friend are also able to see my symptoms when they start to appear. I can ask these individuals for help to better maintain my mental health.

Hopefully, by paying attention, I will be the first to notice when I’m not sleeping, if I become obsessive, if I have racing thoughts, if I spend too much money, or become overly talkative. These are all signs that I’m becoming manic. I also hope to be the first to notice if I’m sleeping too much, if I feel pathetic or empty, if I cannot find pleasure in activities, if I gain weight, or if I start planning a suicide. These are all signs that a depression is coming. A mixture of these symptoms can mean a mixed episode is starting. I want to be the first to notice my symptoms so that I can get a jump-start on treating the symptoms and episode.

It’s not easy to know and understand your own mental health. Every person’s bipolar disorder is different. Each person has different symptoms occur, and each person has different ways they have found that treat their symptoms. Knowing your symptoms also allows the individual to contact their doctor so he/she can alter medication as necessary. Some of our episodes come from medication changes, from stressful events, from medical changes, or even from out of the blue. The sooner we begin to treat our episodes, and allow our doctors to treat us, the better off we will be. Success comes from knowledge of our own diagnoses.

Vivid Dreams

Insomnia and other sleeping disorders are common among patients with bipolar disorder. I personally have suffered from insomnia. I have taken Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel, Trazodone, and other medications over the years to get me to sleep. Right now, the Clozapine I take gets me to sleep and keeps me asleep. It is also common for individuals with bipolar disorder to have very vivid dreams, especially nightmares.

Patients diagnosed with bipolar disorder often have strange and scary dreams. Many of these patients have anxiety in their dreams. Their type of dreams may also change depending on their status, whether they are manic or depressed. My husband tells me that I am very active at night. I tend to talk a lot in my sleep and I also move around a lot. I’m not sure, but I think that this is related to the type of dream I am having.

Nightmares tend to occur more often for those diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Personally, I tend to have very vivid and scary dreams, but if I don’t talk or write about them right away, I will easily forget the dreams. For the past couple of weeks, my dreams have been extremely vivid. Everything seems so real. The dreams I’m having are mostly everyday situations. I’ve actually had a few times when I’ve confused my dreams with real life. The dreams are common occurrences such as disagreements with my husband or family members, difficulties with doctor appointments for my physical health, or problems with pets.

One of the things that suck is that I have been feeling physical pain in my dreams, specifically bladder pain like I feel from my bladder disorder. I wish I could get rid of these dreams. Isn’t it enough that I have to deal with this crap during the day? Why do I have to deal with it again in my dreams? I had a conversation with my husband in one of my dreams. I ended up using that conversation from my dreams in a real life situation. My husband had no clue what I was talking about. It took me a while to realize that what I was talking about actually came from a dream.

I think I should start keeping track of my dreams. Maybe I’ll keep a journal next to my bed. This way I can write down what my dream was about as soon as I wake up. If I wait too long, then I completely forget what it was about. I’m interested to find out how my dreams change based on what episode I’m in.

Family Dinner

My husband and I decided that we want to see our granddaughter; it’s been about a week since we’ve seen her, and so we invited his daughter and boyfriend over for dinner. This all happened last night, and the dinner is tonight. That’s a lot for me to handle. I have to clean the entire house and cook a meal. Then, my husband decided he would invite his mother over because she doesn’t get to see the baby very often. It’s a very sweet thought, but it doesn’t mean more work for him, just more for me. Then I realized I can make lasagna! I made some lasagna with my mom when she was out here last time. I don’t have to do anything, just heat it up from frozen!

Okay, so now all I need to do is clean the house, do laundry, and make garlic bread. That’s not that bad. However, cleaning the house will take a while; there’s dog hair everywhere, even though I cleaned the whole house just a couple of days ago. I also have to figure out where people can eat. There’s not enough room in our house for our dining room table, at least not the way I want it. A couple of people can eat at the counter, there are bar stools there. And then there’s the couch and the desk. I can make that work.

Why is it so stressful having people come over your house? Is it just me, or are other people like this as well? I feel like my house needs to be sparkling clean and organized if I’m having any company over. At least all I need to do is clean the house; I have more time to do it since I don’t have to cook. I don’t think I’ve ever had this many people at my house at one time, so I’m a bit anxious. I’m sure it will all work out, but I will probably worry about it all day.

Waiting Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Right now, I’m waiting, and I’ve been waiting for days. I’m waiting for the results to my Clozapine level blood work. The results to this test will tell my doctor whether or not he wants to increase the dosage of my Clozapine. I’m currently at 200 mg every night. I did the blood work on Friday. My normal weekly blood work was completed on Friday, but the Clozapine level takes longer to come back. I just don’t know how long; I even tried to figure out how long it would take by researching it online, but I came up empty-handed. I told my psychiatrist that I’m in a depression. I informed him that I’m sleeping too much, I’m overeating, I feel worthless and empty, and I’m easily irritable. He told me to hang in there; we are waiting for the results of the Clozapine level. Once we have the results, then we can figure out our next step.

So now I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my blood test results, I’m waiting to find out what change my psychiatrist wants to make, and I’m waiting to start feeling better. When you’re waiting for something, every moment seems to drag on and on. I’m just trying to get through this, one moment at a time, but how much longer do I have to wait? Even if my psychiatrist decides to add a new anti-depressant, we all know that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to start working, if it’s going to work at all. So that’s more waiting. No one should have to wait this long to feel better.

I’m compliant with anything I’m told to do by my doctors. However, I am getting sick and tired of it all. I wouldn’t mind the waiting, if I knew that there were going to be positive results. I also wouldn’t mind the waiting if I knew that the positive results that I was going to get would be more than just temporary. We all know that no medication to treat bipolar disorder is permanent. Every time we try a medication, our bodies react differently; we almost never react the same way twice. How a medication works varies depending on our current mental state, the medications we’re currently taking, and any treatments we’re currently undergoing.

I just wish there was an easy answer to treating bipolar depression and mania. There should be an answer, an easy way to help us, where we don’t have to spend most of our time waiting. My bipolar disorder is very gray, nothing is absolute, and everything is questionable. I wish my bipolar disorder was more black and white, I wish it had easier, faster, and more accurate answers.

I Feel Like Two Different People

I often feel like I’m two different people. This is the ‘pretend’ or ‘fake’ person. It’s not that I’m being fake, I’m just holding back. I’m one person when I’m around people I trust, such as my husband and my mom. I can fake being okay and my paranoia, anxiety, and fears decrease. This is the person that I make up; the person I let others see. I can also be this person around other people such as family members and friends. It’s just harder for me to keep up this person. But for some reason, I always feel like I need to put on this other persona. I don’t exactly know why, especially with the people I trust the most. Maybe, I’m just trying to give myself a break from the other person that I am; allowing myself to release some of my anxiety and paranoia. I usually need the help of Valium to do this with people other than my husband and mom.

Then, there’s this second person, the real me. I’m the person who jumps at every little noise. This is the person who sometimes keeps a baseball bat by the door and keeps a knife in my pocket when out for a walk, just in case. My paranoia increases when I’m alone. I have more auditory hallucinations when I’m by myself, although I’m learning to tell which things I hear are real and which are hallucinations. When I leave the house by myself, I’m constantly looking around, especially behind me, so I can see everything that’s happening. I never want to be caught off guard. I rarely ever take anti-anxiety medication when I’m by myself in my house. I prefer to use it when I leave my house or when I with others, that way I can be that other ‘pretend’ person.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe again when I’m by myself. Despite the fact that I’m pretending when I’m around others, I do feel safer than I feel when I’m alone. I feel like two different people. Each ‘person’ comes naturally. People I trust tell me I don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything, but it just happens. For some reason, I don’t feel like I have control over which person appears, it’s just instinctive. Does anyone else have this issue or feel this way?

Home Maintenance Means Strangers In My House

While I was away visiting my family, I get a phone call from my husband telling me that the ceiling fan and garbage disposal stopped working. Of course it had to happen when I was gone, but I put in a maintenance request (we rent this house) and then had to wait. The maintenance man called a couple of days ago and scheduled an appointment to come over yesterday. I wasn’t too worried about it because my husband was going to be home with me. However, it’s still difficult for me to have a stranger in the house. My anxiety tends to skyrocket when there are people in my house I don’t know. I have my husband and my dog (who looks mean but is far from it) to make me feel safe and protect me.

Of course, it can’t be just one problem at a time. Apparently, while I was gone, all of the television shows we record on local channels won’t play. It gives an error message saying that there is no audio or video available. The weird part is that all of our other channels had no issues at all. I called DirecTV and they were very polite on the phone. Their technical support staff did all they could, but were unable to fix the issue, so they are sending someone out here today. I’m happy to have them come fix the issue, and it’s great that they can do it so quickly, but that means another person in my house.

I’m really hoping that my husband will still be home when they get here, but it’s a four-hour window when they will arrive. My husband will probably have to go to work at some point during that window. When he’s home, I’m much more calm. When he’s gone, my anxiety goes through the roof, especially when someone knocks on the door or when the dog starts barking, usually for no reason. I wish I was able to feel safe. I’m pretty sure that I am safe; I just don’t feel like I am. Safety, for me, is a feeling that must come from inside. The best way for me to start feeling safe is by continuously telling myself, ‘I can do this’.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Anxiety and Panic