I’m about halfway packed and so stressed out, I can’t wait for vacation to start. I slept about 3 hours on Sunday night, which is probably what made Monday a difficult day for me. Why is it so hard and stressful to prepare for vacation? As if the regular day-to-day stressful events of life aren’t stressful enough. Hopefully I will get a good night’s sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow.
It seems that I don’t know how to say no to anyone or anything. This time, it is affecting my husband. I tried to explain to him how difficult it is for me, but I don’t think he understood (not for a lack of trying). This is something that I really need to work on, but for some reason I haven’t found the right time to try it. Every time I come close to saying no to someone/something, I have an anxiety attack and freeze up. It becomes literally impossible for me to say no. I wonder if I’ll ever get over this. I suppose it’s one of my biggest fears.
Why am I awake? I have so much to do tomorrow. There are only two days until I leave and I have way too much to get done. My to-do list is so long, I hope I can get it all done. A good night’s sleep would really be helpful, but of course that’s not going to happen tonight. I would like to get started on my list right now, but that would make too much noise and wake up my husband.
I can’t wait to be with my family, I miss them all so much. I’m overly excited to spend time with my mom, siblings, aunt, grandma, nieces, nephew, and some good friends. Maybe it’s the excitement that is keeping me from sleeping. That seems like a good explanation.
I made it through another family get-together. There were only a total of 10 people, but I only knew 2 of these people. This was a long overdue family reunion. I took a Valium on my way over there, and it kicked in just in time. I automatically introduced myself to people when I arrived, which is something I would never normally do; thank you Valium. I offered to help out in the kitchen, and I ended up doing a lot. I was even hugging people when I said goodbye at the end of the night. It’s amazing what 10mg of Valium will do.
Yesterday was a rough day. I couldn’t get myself to do almost anything. I did force myself to do a couple of things, but I had a lot more on my to-do list that did not get done. Normally, I do much better when I’m home by myself, but yesterday was not one of those days. Maybe it was my way of letting go of all the buildup from Thanksgiving. However, I have a family reunion tomorrow that I need to mentally prepare for. I will be cooking in the morning so I can bring some food with me to the get-together. I will be meeting some people for the first time. This is very anxiety provoking. I’m very thankful for Valium.
I have to really push myself harder. There’s only a couple of more days until I leave for Connecticut. I’m half ecstatic and half stressed/overwhelmed. I guess I’m worried about the unknown. That’s almost always what I worry about. Maybe I need to focus more on what I do know and less about the unknown.
I absolutely love this time of the year in Arizona. I can keep the doors open for most of the day without have to turn the air conditioner or heat on. It isn’t often that the weather is this nice in Phoenix, AZ. I don’t mind keeping the back door open, but I can’t have the front door open unless my husband is home with me. I’ve tried to do it before, but every single noise freaks me out. So I keep one door open, and then when my husband gets home from work, I open the front door too. Then we get the wonderful cross-breeze, which is so refreshing.
It’s not often that there is this perfect weather. It’s usually either too cold or way too hot. The chilly air here is just enough for me to put on a sweater and get under a blanket. I don’t really need one, but I enjoy getting all bundled up. It reminds me of the cold days in Connecticut, without having to deal with the actual extreme freezing cold weather.
I did everything I could to avoid shopping yesterday. I made sure that I didn’t even leave the house. I can’t imagine dealing with the chaos that goes along with Black Friday, it would probably give me a heart attack. Anyway, I’m starting to get organized for my trip back to Connecticut. I wrote out my packing list. On Monday, I’ll start my packing. Over the weekend, I will be running errands, doing laundry, cleaning, and cooking.
My brother-in-law is staying at our house while we are away to take care of the dog and the house. That makes it so much easier (and cheaper) than boarding the dog. I am going to cook a few things so that he has food to eat while we are away. He’s doing us a big favor, so I want to make his stay at our house as comfortable as possible.
As if there weren’t already enough things to go to, I was invited to go to a graduation for a cousin. We just had Thanksgiving, then on Sunday I have a family reunion, then I travel for a week, then there’s a friend’s birthday party, and then we celebrate Christmas at two different places. Isn’t that enough to do? Plus, this graduation is an overnight event, and my husband wouldn’t be able to go.
When I was invited, I just said that I would have to check to see what’s going on at that time. I have to figure out how to say no. It should be okay to say no, that I have too much going on, but it makes me very nervous for some reason. I think it would be better to say no, than to go away for a couple of days without my husband and have anxiety attacks.
Thanksgiving ended up going pretty well. There were 17 people there, which is less than I was expecting. I knew all but 6 people, and I only took one Valium. I stayed close to the people I knew. At one point, one of my cousins asked how I handle large groups of people because he could see that I was anxious. I told him some of my tricks, like sitting in a corner or staying close to my husband. After dinner, several of us sat around the fire pit. I sat next to one family member who I’m very comfortable with and had a great conversation. That was the only part of the day that felt natural and easy.
The important part to remember is that I made it through the day. In the beginning, I wasn’t so sure if I was going to make it, but I did. Staying close to those I’m comfortable with really made the day possible.
I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all are able to be with and/or talk to your loved ones on this special day. I leave at 2:30pm to go to our cousin’s house, where there will be a lot of people. I’ll let you know how I do when I get home. I have several coping mechanisms that I can use if my anxiety gets to be too much. I’m going in with a positive attitude.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
My Side of the Pole 