Getting Sober And Starting A Life – My Life: Part 4

I flew across the country at the end of April in 2004. On April 29^th, 2004 I was admitted to a year-long in-patient rehab. I was excited to go until I got there. Once I arrived, my fears kicked in and I told my mom that I changed my mind about going to rehab. She ensured me that I could do it. I trusted her; I always trust my mom because she has never given me a reason not to.

Rehab was very tough. I couldn’t talk to my family for the first 6 weeks. Then I could only talk to them once a week on Sundays for 15 minutes. There was a strict schedule that had to be followed. On Sundays we had to clean our living areas and everything had to pass inspection. I think that may be why I am so obsessive about cleaning my house. We had to make dinner every night for our houses. This required making a menu, grocery list, and assigning specific tasks. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist that I saw weekly. They managed my medication so I never missed a dose.

We were required to go to AA meetings that were put on by the staff members. A couple times a week we were allowed to go to outside meetings that were supervised by staff members. We were also required to have a sponsor and do step work. In the beginning, it was tough. However, as time went on, it became normal. The step work brought up a lot of issues that I was able to work on. The hardest part for me was believing in a Higher Power. I’m Jewish by blood, but I was raised Catholic. I never believed in what I was taught in Sunday school and I never related to anything I heard in church. I don’t like the word God for many reasons. Overall, I just don’t believe in God. Some people may not like to hear that, but I’m just being honest. The great part about belief according to AA is that you just have to believe in a power greater than yourself. I can admit that. I know that I’m not the most powerful thing out there. I’m not sure what it is, but I know it’s not me. I do believe in science and Mother Nature, which then became my Higher Power.

Family was invited to visit every 3 months for workshops, which helped to work through some family problems. My mom came every time. My brother, sister, and aunt each came for one of the workshops as well as my graduation. I was so amazed at how much my family supported me; especially after all of the crap I put them through over the years. Once I completed the year-long program (which felt like forever), I worked at the rehab for 9 months helping others get sober.

I made some friends from the rehab, but most of those relationships faded off. I did date one of the guys that I met there, and we ended up living together for a while. The school teacher from the rehab became a close friend of mine and we spent time together after I left. His wife ended up being my sponsor when I lived on my own. I even became close with their family.

The First Downfall – My Life: Part 3

Just before I turned 17, I met a guy and was immediately attracted to him. Jared had a personality that was appealing to many. He made friends with people easily, but he only let them see the side of his personality that he wanted them to see. For the first couple months of our relationship, he only let me see positive traits. Once we moved in together, everything changed. He became physically and emotionally abusive. He would tell me when I could see my friends. I had to have dinner on the table when he got home, or else. We did a lot of drugs together. I fell for every trick he played and didn’t stand up for myself at all. He had me convinced that I was lucky to have him; he made me believe that no one else would want me. The worst part of it all is that he broke up with me. He said I wasn’t happy anymore. I remember telling him he would regret it. I was devastated. I don’t know why I was so hung up on a guy that treated me like crap, but I was.

At a party, I met a guy who was so sweet. Chris was the exact opposite of Jared, except for the drug use. I started smoking crack when I met Chris. Jared tried to get back together with me, but I finally stood up for myself and told him no. Jared started stalking me at that point, so I became terrified for my safety even more than I already was. Chris and I dated for several months. He kept talking about getting sober, but I wasn’t ready for that. I was completely addicted to crack that it came before everything. I was even with Chris getting high instead of being at the hospital when my dad died. That is one of the biggest regrets I have. Chris ended up getting killed only a few months after we met.

The loss of my father was exceedingly difficult, even though I knew for years that it was coming. He had been sick for many years with cancer and kidney failure. He ended up dying from an infection on October 10th, 2003. He was in the ICU for a while before his death. I miss my father and think of him every day. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. I wish I had been there to support my family, but I was too far into my addiction. I wish he could have seen me get sober.

My drug use was insane, I was almost always drunk or high on something. All of this made my mental health even worse. I was dealing with rapid cycling; I was either manic or depressed at all times. I didn’t want to spend much time with my friends, the few that I had left. All I wanted to do was die. This was probably my lowest point in life. I finally decided I wanted to quit drinking and using, but I couldn’t do it. I wished I was dead every day. I had lost so much in life, but the worst thing I lost was my self-respect.

One day, I had finally had enough. I went to my mom and told her I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I needed to go back into the hospital. She told me that a behavioral health hospital would not fix things. I needed more than that; I needed to get sober. Apparently, she had already been looking at places to send me. She showed me some of the places she found. I was interested in this one place in Arizona; it was a year-long in-patient treatment center. It treated drug and alcohol abuse as well as mental health. I actually became excited; I finally felt a glimmer of hope. I was scared, but so enthused about the possibility of feeling better, that it actually lessened the fear. Most people don’t go to rehab willingly. I went not only willingly, but eagerly. I was also terrified; the thought of something new scared me, but the depression was so horrible that I felt my only other option was death.

Gym Work Out

I’m so proud of myself today. My husband has been talking about going to the gym for a little while now, and he has been wanting me to go with him. Before we started dating, we used to go to the gym together 5 days a week. We were workout partners and we had a lot of fun working out together. Our workouts were what used to get me through my days at work. I always had something to look forward to. So we signed up at a gym so we could get back in shape together. Even though we have a workout room in our house, it’s different. Working out at a gym has a different atmosphere, making it easier and more encouraging to complete a workout than to do so in our own house.

I was scared to go to the gym because it’s something new, and I don’t do new things very well. I told my husband that I could do it as long as he doesn’t leave me alone. He makes me feel safe. Today, we worked out together and he didn’t leave me once. He knows exactly how to work out to get what we want because he used to be a personal trainer. We’re starting out slow, so we don’t overdo anything and then end up not going back. Our plan for now is to work out 5 days a week, like we used to do. We’re doing full body workouts. I’m so proud of myself for doing this. I think this will also help our relationship because it gives us something new to do together. He even told me, before he left for work, how much he enjoyed today.

The Beginning Of It All – My Life: Part 2

Trigger Warning: The following talks about drug and alcohol abuse, cutting, and suicidal gestures.

I believe that I started to change when I was in 7^th or 8^th grade. The friends I chose were different from before and I became a sad and angry person on the inside. Many kids go through changes around this age, but I took it a bit too far. Then, one day, I was told that my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer). I was devastated. My whole life was turned upside down. The day after I found out about my father’s diagnosis, I remember walking into town and feeling very upset. As I was walking, one of my new “friends” saw me and asked what was wrong. I told him about my father and how upset I was. He gave me cocaine and told me it would make me feel better. That was the start of a treacherous journey over the next many years. Cocaine made me forget how horrible I felt, although it caused so many other problems.

My dad’s diagnosis was a trigger for me, but if it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else. My drug and alcohol use as well as my mental health problems were not my father’s fault; in fact, they were no one’s fault. It’s just a part of my story. I couldn’t believe I was losing my father and I didn’t know how to handle it. My parents had me go to therapy, but it wasn’t helpful because I wasn’t honest with the therapist. Over the next six or seven years, I tried just about every drug except for meth, and that’s only because it wasn’t available where I lived. The beginning of my drug use was the beginning of my downfall, mentally and emotionally. I also started cutting around the same time that I started using drugs and alcohol. Cutting caused physical pain, which replaced the emotional pain. It was another outlet that caused more harm than good.

I remember that I got caught smoking one day. My parents confronted me about it and I lied to them, which is what they were more upset about. Instead of grounding me, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, but I had to be with one of my parents at all times. My mom said that I lost their trust. The punishment lasted several months, which felt like forever, until I could prove that I was trustworthy again. I didn’t understand then, but I get it now. Trust is something that’s earned; it’s not a right for anyone.

When I was 14, I made a suicidal gesture. I took a lot of a medication, but I took just less than what would kill me. I knew exactly what I was doing; it was a cry for help. This was my first hospitalization. I met my first psychiatrist at this hospital; he treated me while I was admitted and I kept seeing him after. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder. I think the only reason I was diagnosed as borderline was because of the self-harm. I still think about cutting, but I haven’t done it in well over a decade. My family was very supportive and caring. I even remember at one point, my mom and sister completed the Family to Family course offered by NAMI so they could better understand me.

I tried just about every medication and med combo available, but nothing really worked. They probably didn’t work because I was also self-medicating with all sorts of drugs and alcohol. I actually told my psychiatrist about the drugs I was using. I often went to our appointments high. He did nothing about it except ask me not to do that again. Of course I didn’t listen to him. There were also some medications that caused me to gain weight. One med caused an 80 pound weight gain, yet he never mentioned that it was an issue at any of our appointments. Now, as an adult, I’m surprised and disappointed that he never informed my parents about my drug use or the side effects such as weight gain. It never seemed as if that psychiatrist at that time cared about my well-being.

I left high school after my sophomore year and went to college at the age of 16. The college was meant for “younger scholars”. I did meet some great friends there who I’m still friends with now, but I also started using more drugs. The actual school part was not a problem. I still did well in my classes, but I stopped caring about school in general. I only lasted one year at that school before dropping out. School was interfering with my drug use, and my mental health was a huge endeavor. I couldn’t do it all, so I left college and eventually got my GED, since I left high school before graduating.

I think that the biggest reason that every attempt to stabilize my mental health didn’t work when I was younger was because of my drug and alcohol abuse. I don’t know how to use anything in moderation. I could never have a drink, I would have a bottle. I couldn’t take just one hit; I had to smoke the whole thing. Even if I was doing well, the drug use would screw me up completely. I also didn’t work very hard on my mental health, I didn’t care very much. Now that I know how much of a difference I can make on my own mental health, I take responsibility for my teenage years being mostly a disaster.

Further Frustration with My Pharmacy

I’m beyond frustrated at this point. I’m so annoyed and pissed off. I’m still having problems refilling my Clozapine. Yesterday, I had to call the pharmacy 6 times. I finally found out that the problem with my prescription is because of the national database. I don’t know what problem the national Clozapine database has found. My blood work is better than it used to be, it’s finally back to normal. My doctor waited a few extra days to write my prescription because he was waiting for my Clozapine level blood test to come back. That test took a few extra days. I usually get my script on Sundays or Mondays, and this time he didn’t write my script until Thursday. Maybe that’s the problem.

I have an appointment to go do my weekly blood work today. Part of me is wondering if I should even get it done since my script from last week hasn’t been filled. I’m out of Clozapine. If I can’t get my script to be filled today, then I have no Clozapine to take. I wonder if there will be bad side effects or withdrawals. I’ve forgotten to take the medication by accident once or twice. When that happens, I usually end up feeling sick to my stomach, more like a stomach pain. I have no clue what to do. I keep calling the pharmacy, but I’m getting nowhere.

Clozapine Refill Frustrations

I started my Clozapine rechallenge on April 3rd; I have now been taking it for close to 8 weeks. My doses have increased slowing over that time. I’ve had some side effects, but nothing that can’t be managed or dealt with. Some of the side effects have gone away over time and others I’ve learned to deal with to the best of my ability.

I just had my Clozapine level taken and the results finally came back yesterday. My level came back at 80, which is very low. I’m assuming that my doctor is going to be increasing my dose, but I’m not sure. I don’t really know where he wants my Clozapine level. A low level is between 50 to 150 ng/mL, 200 to 300 ng/mL is a medium level, and 350 to 450 ng/mL is a high level. I’m pretty sure that the therapeutic level begins 100, which I haven’t reached yet.

Every week I seem to have problems with my blood work and filling my prescription. People at the pharmacy tend to lose track of my blood test results, which they need in order to fill my prescription. I have finally learned that if and when the pharmacy says they haven’t received my weekly blood work, I just need to tell them to look in my file. I thought getting my script filled would be easier now that I’ve figured out that part. However, this week’s prescription has been difficult for another reason. First, my doctor wanted to wait for the Clozapine level results so he knew how much to prescribe. I normally get my script filled on a Sunday or Monday. It’s now Thursday, so I can’t last much longer without a refill. My doctor has called the prescription in twice to the pharmacy. He said that he was on hold for 10 minutes just to leave a message. I’ve called the pharmacy 3 times today regarding this script, and it still isn’t filled.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get this prescription. It seems to add a great deal of anxiety to my life every week. I’m actually taking Valium just to deal with this situation. I wonder if it does more good than harm.

Knowing Your Diagnosis

Understanding your own mental health is extremely important. Even though most of us have some type of support system, knowing your own illness is the best way to take care of ourselves. I know that I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I have manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. While others may be able to see some of my symptoms, I try to be the first person that can see them. I am aware of the symptoms I exhibit for each type of episode. Knowing my symptoms helps me to catch my episodes before they get too far. Those that I’m close with, such as my husband, family, and best friend are also able to see my symptoms when they start to appear. I can ask these individuals for help to better maintain my mental health.

Hopefully, by paying attention, I will be the first to notice when I’m not sleeping, if I become obsessive, if I have racing thoughts, if I spend too much money, or become overly talkative. These are all signs that I’m becoming manic. I also hope to be the first to notice if I’m sleeping too much, if I feel pathetic or empty, if I cannot find pleasure in activities, if I gain weight, or if I start planning a suicide. These are all signs that a depression is coming. A mixture of these symptoms can mean a mixed episode is starting. I want to be the first to notice my symptoms so that I can get a jump-start on treating the symptoms and episode.

It’s not easy to know and understand your own mental health. Every person’s bipolar disorder is different. Each person has different symptoms occur, and each person has different ways they have found that treat their symptoms. Knowing your symptoms also allows the individual to contact their doctor so he/she can alter medication as necessary. Some of our episodes come from medication changes, from stressful events, from medical changes, or even from out of the blue. The sooner we begin to treat our episodes, and allow our doctors to treat us, the better off we will be. Success comes from knowledge of our own diagnoses.

Vivid Dreams

Insomnia and other sleeping disorders are common among patients with bipolar disorder. I personally have suffered from insomnia. I have taken Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel, Trazodone, and other medications over the years to get me to sleep. Right now, the Clozapine I take gets me to sleep and keeps me asleep. It is also common for individuals with bipolar disorder to have very vivid dreams, especially nightmares.

Patients diagnosed with bipolar disorder often have strange and scary dreams. Many of these patients have anxiety in their dreams. Their type of dreams may also change depending on their status, whether they are manic or depressed. My husband tells me that I am very active at night. I tend to talk a lot in my sleep and I also move around a lot. I’m not sure, but I think that this is related to the type of dream I am having.

Nightmares tend to occur more often for those diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Personally, I tend to have very vivid and scary dreams, but if I don’t talk or write about them right away, I will easily forget the dreams. For the past couple of weeks, my dreams have been extremely vivid. Everything seems so real. The dreams I’m having are mostly everyday situations. I’ve actually had a few times when I’ve confused my dreams with real life. The dreams are common occurrences such as disagreements with my husband or family members, difficulties with doctor appointments for my physical health, or problems with pets.

One of the things that suck is that I have been feeling physical pain in my dreams, specifically bladder pain like I feel from my bladder disorder. I wish I could get rid of these dreams. Isn’t it enough that I have to deal with this crap during the day? Why do I have to deal with it again in my dreams? I had a conversation with my husband in one of my dreams. I ended up using that conversation from my dreams in a real life situation. My husband had no clue what I was talking about. It took me a while to realize that what I was talking about actually came from a dream.

I think I should start keeping track of my dreams. Maybe I’ll keep a journal next to my bed. This way I can write down what my dream was about as soon as I wake up. If I wait too long, then I completely forget what it was about. I’m interested to find out how my dreams change based on what episode I’m in.

Family Dinner

My husband and I decided that we want to see our granddaughter; it’s been about a week since we’ve seen her, and so we invited his daughter and boyfriend over for dinner. This all happened last night, and the dinner is tonight. That’s a lot for me to handle. I have to clean the entire house and cook a meal. Then, my husband decided he would invite his mother over because she doesn’t get to see the baby very often. It’s a very sweet thought, but it doesn’t mean more work for him, just more for me. Then I realized I can make lasagna! I made some lasagna with my mom when she was out here last time. I don’t have to do anything, just heat it up from frozen!

Okay, so now all I need to do is clean the house, do laundry, and make garlic bread. That’s not that bad. However, cleaning the house will take a while; there’s dog hair everywhere, even though I cleaned the whole house just a couple of days ago. I also have to figure out where people can eat. There’s not enough room in our house for our dining room table, at least not the way I want it. A couple of people can eat at the counter, there are bar stools there. And then there’s the couch and the desk. I can make that work.

Why is it so stressful having people come over your house? Is it just me, or are other people like this as well? I feel like my house needs to be sparkling clean and organized if I’m having any company over. At least all I need to do is clean the house; I have more time to do it since I don’t have to cook. I don’t think I’ve ever had this many people at my house at one time, so I’m a bit anxious. I’m sure it will all work out, but I will probably worry about it all day.

Bipolar Risk Factors

I suppose that I’ve been in my head a lot lately. I’m trying to figure out the answers to some questions that probably can’t be answered. However, I’m going to try to find some sort of answer because that’s the kind of mood that I’m in right now. I want to know the answer to the question, “why me?” I think about this a lot, but I’ve never actually tried to really figure it all out. Bipolar disorder is not caused by any one single thing; it is instead caused by multiple factors.

The following is general information regarding bipolar causes and risk factors. The information below is not advice, and should not be treated that way.

Family History and Genetics: Individuals that have bipolar disorder in their families are more likely to develop bipolar disorder themselves. This is especially true for individuals with a parent or sibling with bipolar. This doesn’t mean that people with a family history of bipolar will develop the disorder themselves. Also, individuals with certain genetics are also more likely to develop bipolar disorder.

I know that personally, there are mental health issues on my father’s side of the family. His sister and one of his brothers have known mental health diagnoses, but I’m not sure what they are. There is also someone on my mother’s side that struggles with depression. I know that there is no one diagnosed with bipolar disorder on my mother’s side. Neither of my parents has/had mental health issues.

Brain Structure: Individuals that are diagnosed with bipolar disorder often have physical changes to the structure of their brains. There is often a natural imbalance in the neurotransmitters in the brain of an individual who has bipolar disorder. I’m not sure if it would ever be possible, but it would be great if doctors could eventually find out which individuals are more prone to developing bipolar disorder. Maybe it’s already possible, I’m not exactly sure.

Common Issues: There are many types of issues that are known to trigger the first bipolar episode in individuals. These factors include but are not limited to high stress periods, drug and alcohol abuse, major life changes, and traumatic experiences.

I experienced all of these situations. My father was diagnosed with cancer; he lived for several years with the illness before dying. I used drugs and alcohol so I wouldn’t have to feel my emotions. Because of my drug abuse, I met a guy that ended up being very abusive towards me for about 18 months. They may have triggered an episode, but they didn’t cause my bipolar disorder. My bipolar was there to begin with, and these situations probably just helped it come out.

Co-Occurring Conditions: Many individuals that are diagnosed with bipolar disorder often have other conditions such as PTSD, ADHD, various anxiety disorders, drug and/or alcohol abuse, and physical health issues. Individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder are more likely to have both physical and mental health conditions.

I’m also diagnosed with PTSD, I’m 12 years sober from drugs and alcohol, and I have a variety of physical health issues.

There are many factors that contribute to individuals being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, just because some has one or even several of these causes/risk factors, doesn’t mean they have or will end up having bipolar disorder.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Bipolar