My husband has been talking about moving for a couple of years now. I ask him where he pictures us moving to, and he says that he would like to movie back to Connecticut where my family lives. I never really believed him until yesterday. He says that the summers are way too hot for him to deal with any more. He has burns on over 30% of his body, making it very hard during the Arizona summers.
I always thought he was teasing me when he would talk about it. Now that I know he’s serious, there are a couple of things we need to look into. I told him he needs to go to Connecticut during the coldest part of the winter so he knows exactly what he’s getting himself into. I also told him he needs to spend at least 2 or 3 weeks there to see how it feels.
I have no clue what’s going to happen, but we’re at least looking into moving at this point. Surprisingly, I don’t have that much anxiety over the whole thing. It would be really nice to see my family regularly. That would actually be amazing.
I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I think that if you want to make a change to your life, start right away. What is the point of waiting? It seems like an excuse to put off making a change. At least that’s how it used to be for me. I do it throughout the year as well. For example, I say that I will start eating healthy again beginning next week. I did that a couple of weeks ago and it didn’t work that often. I keep finding excuses to push back the start date. If you want to make a change, do it as soon as possible. Don’t put off any changes you want to make.
My therapy session went okay yesterday. We talked about what I’m going to do about the weight gain from the Clozapine. I want to go off the medication, but I’m afraid that if I do it will cause some horrible episode. I need to think about both my physical and mental health. The decision is impossible. I wanted my therapist to tell me what to do, but I know he can’t do that. I want someone (that I trust) to tell me what to do. I’m leaning towards going off the medication after the new year. I’m even willing to try IV Ketamine in order to get off Clozapine. I would do almost anything to get off this medication.
The weight gain is causing me to feel bad about myself. I’m crying off and on and I have no desire to leave the house. I would rather stay home alone where no one has to see me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I hate my life. I’m too overwhelmed with everything.
“Every accomplishment begins with a decision to try.” – Edward T. Kelly
Nothing can be accomplished until you try; put in a little effort and then you can see what you have created.
Individuals with bipolar disorder can have either manic, depressed, or mixed episodes. I’m used to those; I’ve had each of those episodes many times. Right now, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle of everything. I think I’m closer to depression at this time. My usual depressions include an inability to complete tasks such as cooking and cleaning, I sleep a lot, and I also fail to have good hygiene. I’m still having the suicidal ideations that go along with the depression and the lack of desire for almost anything, but none of the symptoms that I just listed. I’m not happy, but am I depressed? I know I don’t feel good, but I do feel better today than the last few days. Maybe it’s just going to pass by.
So where does that put me? I don’t think it’s a mixed episode, I’ve had plenty of those and none of them were like this. Maybe this is just me trying to get out of the depression I’ve been struggling in for about six months. I suppose I’ll find out on Wednesday when I go to see my psychiatrist.
At my therapy appointment, we came to the realization that I put others ahead of myself. If someone wants to do something, I almost always do it, even if it’s not what I want or if it causes anxiety. For me, saying no takes a lot of work. I think it causes more anxiety to say no than it does to do most anything anxiety provoking. My therapist wants me to work on this. He actually wants me to say no more often; to stand up for my own desires and opinions.
So I did it, I said no to something. There is a large family get-together this weekend that I don’t want to go to for several reasons. There will be a lot of people there that I don’t know, it’s out of my normal comfort-zone, and my husband wouldn’t be able to come with me. Normally, I would say yes to the invitation and then have anxiety attacks all week leading up to the get-together and then at the event itself. Instead, I said no; I’m still having anxiety attacks, but they’re a lot less than they would have been if I said yes.
Are there other people who struggle in this way as well? What do they do to help them?
With racing thoughts, comes an assortment of emotions. Right now I’m stuck in jealousy. In 2010 I had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision. Every day I hate that I did it, but I’m also extremely grateful. I know that I can’t take care of myself or my dog when I go through manic or depressive episodes, how could I even try to take care of a child. It was the right thing to do for me. However, my jealousy comes out when I see any parent with their child. I tend to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make that decision. But seeing as how I’m still struggling with my mental health 6 years later, I suppose I did the right thing. I’m also dealing with a lot of regret. Is it normal to regret something that you are glad you did?
I miss the job I had before I went on disability. I was really good at it and my employer was very nice. I went on disability not too long after getting a huge raise and a promotion. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where I was 8 or 9 years ago. These are just the most repetitive thoughts going through my mind lately. There are a lot of other racing thoughts, but they’re not as persistent as the ones I mentioned.
My thoughts are racing. Thoughts go through my mind, in and out, so quickly that none of them are full ideas. My racing thoughts are making it extremely difficult for me to focus on any one important idea. For example, I’m trying to figure out what health insurance would fit me best, but my mind can’t focus on anything, especially things that are that important.
It’s difficult when you can’t make up your mind. My husband asks me questions, simple questions, that I don’t know the answer to. My husband can’t understand why I can’t figure out what I want. Most people can’t understand why I can’t make decisions; even I can’t figure it out. Is it just because my thoughts are racing, is it because I’m over-tired, is it due to my anxiety? If I could figure out why I can’t make decisions, then maybe I could start learning to make up my mind.
My psychiatrist gave me three options. Option #1 is to go back on the Mirapex. Option #2 is to restart ECT twice a week. My psychiatrist says that ECT in combination with Clozapine has good data and experiences. Option #3 is to try IV Ketamine. I’m starting by going back on Mirapex. If that doesn’t help in a few weeks, I will probably try IV Ketamine. The IV Ketamine scares me, but it does have really good results.
Lately, I’m sleeping a lot, more than 12 hours a day. I’m having a really hard time doing anything. All I want to do is just lay down and fall asleep. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. I know it’s the depression. Hopefully it will get better in a week or so, now that I restarted the Mirapex.
I’ve learned a lot of different lessons over the years. I thought I might share what I have learned with you one lesson at a time; hopefully you don’t have to learn these things the hard way like I did. One of the more recent lessons I’ve learned is to be open-minded. I have always wanted to do things when they were my ideas. I would listen to other people and allow them to explain why they believe I should try something their way, but then I wouldn’t act upon it. A few of these examples include writing, meditation, and doing research.
My AA sponsor used to tell me all of the time that writing would help me work through some issues. I always told her that writing wasn’t for me, even though I never spent much time trying. This went on for years. Writing was also suggested to me by others, and I continued to ignore the suggestion. Finally, my aunt told me that she thought I would be good at blogging and that I could get something out of it. She suggested that I simply look over the idea and see if it’s right for me. After a few weeks, I finally took her suggestion. I now blog every day, usually multiple times a day, and I find it to be extremely helpful. I generally can write my way through issues that I’m struggling with; by the end of a post, I have come up with a solution for the problem I started writing about. Imagine how much easier my life would have been if I had simply been more open to the idea about a decade ago.
Multiple people have suggested to me that meditation could help me. My mom, aunt, sponsor, and several others would bring up the idea of meditation. For some time, they tried to talk me into doing it, but I was against the idea. I had an experience with meditation when I first got sober, and it wasn’t a good one. I had a hard time sitting still, and I was forced to work on meditating. Personally, I don’t like to do anything I’m forced to do. I’m extremely stubborn and I would prefer choose to do an activity on my own terms than have someone else strongly suggest I try it. It has been twelve years since my negative experience with meditation and I was unwilling to let go of that until just a week ago. I finally decided, based on my aunt’s suggestion, to try guided imagery meditation to hopefully help improve my painful bladder disorder. Maybe I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I was willing to try meditation years ago.
It has also been suggested that I do research regarding any suggestion from my doctors. Research is something that I like to do, but I generally only do it when it’s about something I’m already interested in. What I should do is research every option so I know the truth about my choices instead of just researching what I think is a good idea. There’s a lot of information available to help make decisions regarding our health. I struggle when it’s time to decide how to move forward with my physical or mental health. The research that I do is a great way to help me make educated decisions.
I have come to realize that my life could have been easier if I had been more open-minded. What I have learned from all of this is to work hard at being open-minded. The willingness to consider new options and ideas is a wonderful quality that a person can have to help make their life easier to manage. I don’t have to keep looking back at my past when I wasn’t open-minded; all I need to do now is look to the future with an open mind.