Hiding My Frustration

I’m getting frustrated pretty easily. I keep pushing my frustration down, but maybe that’s not the best thing to do. Yesterday, my car decided not to start. It ended up working out okay, but it pissed me off when it happened. It’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that I’m dealing with.

When I get frustrated, I generally get very quiet. I usually don’t talk, smile, or do anything; I’m just there. Every once in a while, I will vent to my mom or my husband. I think I should allow myself to express my frustration, otherwise I’m afraid it will erupt at some point.

I wasn’t always like this. I used to be able to express my frustration and anger, but now, even the idea of it scares me. I even get scared when I’m around others that are full-blown angry because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have a fear of the unknown. I need to find a happy medium. I know it’s not healthy to be angry every day, but it’s also not healthy to pretend not to be angry.

Unusually Irritable and Frustrated

I got a lot done yesterday. In fact, I got everything done that I wrote on my to-do list. Staying very busy definitely helped the itching. I’m going to try that again today. I’ve been more irritable lately than normal. In fact, normally I don’t get or show irritation or anger. However, I think that having this rash is pushing me to my limits. I’ve snapped at my husband several times regarding things that normally don’t bother me. I’m also responded to some people with a snarling attitude, and I that’s not right. There’s definitely something off about my mood.

I’m starting my day by watching the bunnies in the yard again. I think it puts me in a more peaceful mood and I hope that it will help me feel better today. I wish I could be with my mom during Mother’s Day, but I’ll do that next year. This year, I’m going to make dinner for my mother-in-law. In fact, I’m going to make one of the best meals (and my favorite meal) that my mom would make for us when we were children. That’s my way of bringing my mom closer to me even when she’s not with me.

Up At The Crack Of Dawn

I have no clue why, but for some reason, I woke up at 4am this morning. It was hours earlier than I planned on waking up. And when I woke up, I was wide awake. There was no going back to sleep for me. So I decided to get some stuff done. I might as well be productive since I have such a busy day ahead of me. I started by doing some laundry, then I cleaned the kitchen, and then one of the bathrooms. I’m trying hard no to make any noise so I don’t wake my husband. He was awake at 4am when I woke up, but unlike me, he was able to go back to sleep.

I’m glad I’m getting stuff done early, it will make the rest of my day a lot easier. I’ve actually completed half of the cleaning! I’m going to bring my dog to the groomers very shortly, that way he doesn’t smell bad while my mom is here. I do admit I’m a little frustrated that while I’m trying to clean, my husband is having his brother over to play video games. Somehow, I’m just going to make it clear that they have to pick up after themselves. Hopefully it works out.

Once all that is done, I’m excited for my mom to come visit. My mom is one of my best friends, she’s the best, and I don’t have enough time to spend with her. So I get her for 8 days, which is amazing! Just so you know, I do clean this intensely on a regular basis. I generally clean the whole house once a week.

Too Much At Once

I just got back from the vet with good news; they did not need to redo the stitch that Cash pulled out last night. The vet said that the incision site looked good. And even better than that, it didn’t cost anything.

I’m back home now and have a million things to do. I’m having problems getting my Clozapine prescription filled. The pharmacy keeps saying they don’t have my blood work, even when I called the lab and had them fax it over again. I’m going to wait a couple of hours and then try calling the pharmacy again. It’s extremely frustrating.

I also have more tax stuff to do today. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m hoping that it will be easier if I do just a little bit at a time.

I feel like I’m being pulled in many different directions. How do I handle all of this? There’s too much going on right now. I need a vacation from myself. I’m just going to do a little bit at a time until everything is done. I wonder when that will be.

Another Rough Day

Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.

A Bad Day

I’m still upset today about my doctor appointment yesterday. I’m feeling frustrated, shameful, disappointed (in myself), and pathetic. I think that the reason it bothers me so much is because it’s true. I know I’ve gained weight and I’m really struggling to lose it. The weight gain started when I went on Clozapine. I keep thinking about going off of it, but I have a feeling that my psychiatrist won’t like that choice. I don’t think I like that choice. I’m upset with my doctor because of how she talked to me, not what she talked to me about. And now I’m beating myself up about all of it. I wish I could just lose the weight, much easier said than done.

A Rough Doctor (PCP) Appointment

I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.

I Hate Stigma, It’s Everywhere

I hate stigma. It makes me feel as if I’m nothing or dangerous. I’ll explain. My husband and I record a lot of TV shows. For one of the TV shows, we hadn’t yet watched any of the episodes, so some days we watch multiple episodes back to back. It’s this show that started last year, Secrets and Lies (heads up, spoiler alerts). I was all good with it, until close to the end of the first season. They find psychiatric medications in the woman’s house, Risperdone and Lithium. Then the guy that found the meds looks them up and of course it shows only the negative information about bipolar disorder. It shows information about psychosis and how individuals can go into violent rages when their meds are not level or when they’re off medication.

Maybe there are some people who do go into violent rages when struggling with medication, but that’s not how it goes for everyone. Every person is different and I don’t like it when TV or movies show individuals with bipolar with the most extreme effects. There are probably a lot of people out there that don’t realize that they are only showing the most extreme circumstances. There are people out there that know nothing about bipolar disorder until they see it shown on TV and in movies. It’s stuff like this that gives bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders a bad name.

I looked up the word stigma to see what it says and I found that it says, ‘a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.’ When bipolar disorder is shown on TV or in movies, it is usually shown in a disgraceful manner. I wonder if this will ever change.

I Can’t Stand Solicitors

I hate solicitation. It makes me uncomfortable and full of fear. My husband’s idea is to get a “No Solicitation” sign to put in the front yard, I think that’s a great idea. Normally, our dog scares people away (he’s an 88 pound Pitbull mix), but not this time. Our dog is a sweetheart, but his size and bark tends to frighten people. When I’m home alone, I freak out any time the doorbell rings or when the dog starts to bark. It’s extremely scary for me. Even when my husband is home, I still get nervous, just not as much. I used to keep a baseball bat by the door to make me feel more comfortable. Sometimes I carry a knife with me to help me feel secure.

Yesterday, some guy came by the house trying to sell Tupperware. I told the guy at the door that I didn’t have time, but he kept talking. I told him my husband would be home shortly (which was a lie), so the salesman said he’ll come back in a little bit when my husband gets home. I told him we don’t have time. He said he’ll try coming back next week. I told him I’m not interested, but he still wants to come by again. I have a hard time being direct with people in these types of situations, it feels like confrontation. I wish I could just tell solicitors that I don’t want whatever they are selling and not to come back.

The Importance of Memories

I didn’t realize how important memories are until I lost them. I used to be able to remember things very easily, and now I struggle to remember a lot of things. My memory has improved over the last few months, since I stopped doing ECTs, but it’s far from what it used to be. I have a hard time with both short-term and long-term memory.

One day, many months ago, I woke up and didn’t realize that my grandmother had passed away years ago. I forget family memories often, and I feel that those are the most important. I ask people questions all the time, forgetting that I had just recently asked that same question. I have conversations with people over and over, because I forget that I just had that same conversation.

The forgetting is hard on me. I feel as if I annoy people because I repeat myself often. I try to improve my memory, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I feel incapable, less than, and pathetic. My memory has improved a little since I stopped ECT, but will it continue to improve? Am I ever going to get back to what my memory used to be like?

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Frustration